I'm back again.....it's been a year.

I went back to the Narc around this time last year. I was NC for about 4-5 months then I saw him at work and couldn't stop thinking about him and got sucked back in. Yesterday he ended the relationship by email. He blamed me for everything of course. Maybe it was my fault?! I replied by saying I agreed the relationship was over and he was not good for me. I thought I could help him, I did in a way he used me and grew. The more I put into that relationship the more he has thrown in my face, but good I loved him and will for sometime. I hate craving him. I hate having to see him at work. I hate I gave into my feelings and got back with him. I hate I ignored my gut instinct that has screamed constantly things don't add up with this man, he isn't right. I hate I made excuses for his behaviour because he has lived a sheltered life and suffers depression. I feel stupid and alone. He said to me recently I knew him too well and it made him feel vulnerable. I could never be perfect enough, If I was upset with something and told him how I felt he would give me the silent treatment and sulk..., he said I made him feel inadequate and small, I was trying to do the opposite. He said I forgot all the good things he had done for me..... Yet he did exactly what he accused me of. How can I ever be free of this man, he's under my skin, I loved him so much and I have to see him at work. I'm scared that I will never get him completely out of my system. I have helped mess my life up. I feel so helpless, so lost, so sad, so messed up so used for his growth.