My Story Needtoheal

My story with a diagnosed narcissist.
He is a psychopath. 30 years.

Please excuse me for my english !

I have lost a lot of weight this month.looking like i have anorexia.
Really want to take care of my own.
I have to. But its like all my energy is gone. Sucked up. like i can not put my feet back on the ground.

My Children need me. I feel so guilty towards them. Their mom is a zombie.

Taking some time right now to just survive every day.. While another family helps me out with my two children. So gratefull for that ! But feeling so lost that i need them ..
im such a mess that i cant even take care of them right now. 24/7. I want to!
But i can not find anything inside me to move on. Right now.

The good thing is that i started to eat some food.. Cause i stopped with eating. Im eating again. Thats good.
And i dont threw it all up.

Bad thing is that when i go out to buy some food its like im f**** obsesssed with other women :/
Every good looking women i see make me think. Would he like her more than me. Would he love her. I know that it isn't normal. Far from that.
But i just cant help those feelings/ toughts.

I cant believe that he once was a man who taked care of us. ( when he would feel like that)
Someone that was my all. Or at least someone i bond with. That i could even love him i dont understand.
He abused me 4 years of the 5 years. Why did i choose to have his children?

My father is a narcissit to and my mother has some really emotional problems. She cant empathize.
My Brothers and sisters and me were Kicked out at the age of 12,12,17
By my father because we wouldnt have our rooms perfectly clean. Or because of our shoes would not stand perfectly .. So all my life i guess i was hoping for " perfect love"
Or somebody who tought i was worthy of it... Cause i didnt get that when i was younger.

Before i met my ex narcissit. I was doing fine. Had a job, was confident and i really tought i was done with my past.

And there he was. Mister perfect ( ieuwwww)
From the first day ( date) i knew something wasnt right.
The red flags i noticed. Was that he called me told me sorry im later traffic was busy. Im infront of your house. I found that akward. But hey, i couldn't start nagging about being late and he had a perfect excuse so i tought allright.. When i stepped in his car ( looking back it was such a disaster date but i would just make up excuses or he would)
In the car he didnt say something like nice to meet you.
But gived me a cheek kiss and started driving.

That did make me feel akward. I mean we did talk for months on the phone/ internet.
He told me how he was in love with me. With my voice.. Etc
So i did expect him to be very happy to see me.
He wasnt.

I begon to think Hmmm maybe he doesnt like me at all.
When i tought that he layed his hand on my hand. It was awkard.
But made me think " maybe he is just shy" .. He was soooo quite!

When we arrivéd at the cinema. He allready had picked a movie.
I was like ok... After the movie we went to his house he told me he wanted to show where he lived.
Told him we can do that another time. But i did agree with it. I was hungry for more.
And still tought maybe he is shy or something.
When we arrivéd at his home he was a different man..
He would tell me how pretty i am. That he wants me to be his wife. And not 1 time but he talked about me being oerfect for ten minuts. It was awkard. He talked alone. Looking at his table.
But hey, i was complimented big time and Enjoy that..
And then all of the sudden he came and sit on me. Told me he wants to smell me. Touch me..
My alarm Bells begon to ring bigtime. And i told him to get off
He laughed very charmant , saying sorry its just that my feelings are so strong. I cant control it i like you so much. He looked like a angel saying that.

He kissed me. I was like WTF!!!!
He kissed like a little child who didnt ever learn to kiss.
It was like completely out of rhytm...

He wanted more but i begon to feel " guilty"
I didnt know why. I believed every word he said.
But i had a guilty strange feeling in my stomach.

He brought me home. And went away.

I was in shock id feel awkard but didnt know why exactly.

After this date he begon to text me a lot. Called me a lot. We had a lot of dates. And he would make me feel like a princes. Made me laugh so hard ( while he doesnt ever laugh when i made a joke...)
Hold my hand.

It was like he was mr perfect. And even though i had those strange feelings.
I tought oh well maybe we just need to know eachother better.
He was in the military. So id only see him in the weekend.
Months went by and we would party every weekend. Have deep conversations ( yeah right)
And the first time we had sex it was like firework..
I did attaché to him.. But strange things begon to happen.
I did find a LOT of pictures of other women on his camera his computer.
And there was one room he had with a lot of pictures of women on the wall.
The whole wall was full with pictures of people he knew.

When i confronted him he told me that that was before me.
And he has find his perfect mate so he didnt need it anymore.
I knew he was a women lover, and women love him to...
He is really handsome. But hey he did change for me he told me and he would never be the same.
He did delete pictures, phone numbers.
Putted my picture on his Facebook. So Every one would know he was with me and im his belonging. from the beginning of our dates he use to make pictures of me all the time.
I guess for his collection to..

I fell in love with him.

Then the strange things began to happen frequently. ( i wont tell it all it would be to much! )

Like a ex girlfriend who came to See him when i was at his place. Asking him if he came and swim with her.

He didnt told her i was there. Didnt even told her he has a NW so she should stop steeling contact.
He just told her that he went out to the welness centre that day. And that he doesnt have time to go swimming. And sad goodbye.

I was like WTf happened. I asked him why he didnt tell her he is with me.
He told me that it didnt even came up in his mind to say that. That he is done with her and she knows it and he dont want that drama.

I Buyed his crap. Then he told me he had to go and play soccer. And he lefted.
I believed every word he said. I believe he would go play soccer. He lied he went to the swimmingpool to talk to her. Telling her how much he missed her try to seduce her etc.
Then he came back to me told me he wanted to be with me and not play soccer. That he missed me allready when he arrivéd there.. I believed him.

( talked To his ex a long time after this and then i founded out he chased her all the years he was with me)

He started devalueing me. Telling me my hair allways looks the same. Nagging about me wearing high heels.
And when i would wear Nikes or something he told me i look like bad to.
But he told me that with a super charmant face and voice so i just kept on pleasing him.. Change hair, shoes, lingery. Then he told me he had the feeling that i wasnt myself with him.
Every single thing he told me i took it seriously began to doubt myself.

Our sexlife was wild: im so ashamed to tell this.. But i need To.
He spitted me in the face. Choked me while having sex. Pull my hair.
Smacking me. And was acting like a acrobate in the circus while using my body. I never had sex like that.
I just tought he was very kinky.,
He allways told me he wanted a special fetish room i tought it was a joke.
I was so blind and wanted to stay blind.

To the women, the lies the abuse.

I only wanted to please him on a certain point. To get the idealizing fase back.

when i confronted him about his ex ( who still called him) or other women/ pictures / numbers he would make up good excuses, telling me how jealous i was. Or just ignoring me and fall asleep when i was asking about it. Talking about it or something. Just fall asleep or acted like he fall asleep.

When confronting him he would punish me, turn the tables around. Making me doubt myself. He could manipulate so good it was scary.

Right before he had to go to war in another country with the military he asked me to Marry me made a video for me and then discard me two weeks after that. Telling me he never had any feelings for me.
I was devistated

But kept on going. I tought well your löss you sick psycho. Even though i was devistated. I texted him it was the best if he should leave me alone.

After sending that he started texting again telling me how sorry he was. That he was just nervous for the coming war and that he was afraid of losing me etcetera. He was writing poems for me. ( and in the meantime while he was begging me to come back he would f*** other girls i found that later on)

And then stupid me felt for it again.
Gave him a chance.
The first weekend we met the sex was great ( i tought the extremety of the sex was that he did Miss me)

Then the next day when we woke up he told me it felt good to be with me but it would never work out, he doesnt have feelings for me and Walked away. Just like that

I was devistated again but this time i went insane. On the same time my mother was hiding for my father ( Also a narcissist) he was treatening her. And my father raged against me and my family Stalked me. I went ill about all.
Thought it was all my fault. Thoughts about i should never been born and that my life was a failure. That nobody loved me etcetera. On one point i founded out everything my ex N did to me when we were together. I hacked his Facebook account and there were like ten other women. He was telling them all the same. I went nuts.
The stress about that and my father were to much . I called my mother and told her i couldn't take it anymore.
She was telling me that she understand that she was suïcidal and me and her other childeren were his only reason to live. I needed her but she was self suïcidal that broke me. I told her im done with life and wanted to get out and hanged up.

She called the police for me and they did lock me up in a psychiatric hospital.
When i was there my ex n called me to ask if he could come and see me that je was getting ready to go to war and wanted to say goodbye that he felt sorry for me that i was ill. That he was seeing someone else and was happy but just wanted to see me again.
I told him no. Not because i didnt want to see him. ( when i shouldnt i should have hated him but i was to weak i needed someone )
I didnt want him to see me that skinny and ugly... Sick isn't it?
So codepent!!!

After a week he went into the war and i had the permission to go to my house back. When i arrivéd home. I started therapy about my past and wanted to forget him. I talked to his ex sometimes and she was with him for 4 years before me experiencing the same things. But she still tought he had a bad past and felt sorry for him and wanted to help him..

I knew everything about him the other women i was done with him. So mad at him. In the mean while my father Stalked my mother and my mother went into a secret place to hide from him again their divorce began after 30 years of marriage. My father went insane and for months was stalking us to and saying really mean things.
I was done with that 2.

My ex n started calling me. And my friend he wanted to know how i was doing. When i heard his voice i would inmediatley turn the phone off.
He started to send emails.
I ignored them.

One day i was on msn messenger and he told me he missed me and was sorry about it all. And if i could do him a favor and send some stuff over to Afghanistan. I didnt want to i was so mad at him for even daring to ask me that. He told me ok find i dont need you im going to ask my ex. And he did and she brought him everything he needed.

When he came back i was almost over him. Building my own life almost healed from what he did to me.
But still blind To his disorder and insecure. He texted me that he was back and wanted to see me just as friends that he learned a lot in Afghanistan and wanted to make things right. I told him no for one month. But he kept on going telling me how sad he feels about that. That he was so sorry blablabla and guess what. I felt for it again and we went out.
And the hoovering started again.
He told me how he missed me so much. That im the woman for him.
Etcetera. Omg and after everything i did believe him. We had sex and i became pregnant.
The next weaks were awesome he was idealizing me again and told me he was so in love and how he had been a fool for treating me the way he did. He told me he was so afraid of losing me in Afghanistan thats why he cheated and chased the women to try and forget about me. Really it was so convincing.
I bought it.

Untill one day he asked me to come and see him and i did and he opened up the door and there he was with his ex in his bed. I went nuts hitted him
And then leave him.
I couldn't understand what was happening i just could not bare it anymore. I lefted
When i asked him why ? He told me that he could see me whenever he liked
And that his ex was very busy woman and he wanted to make time for her.

Well after that i didnt contact him
Untill his birthday he called me up angry why i didnt call him to say happy bday. And to be honest. I was so brainwashed that i even thought well that is indeed not nice of me... ( WTF?)

And then two weaks later i felt sick and founded out i was pregnant.
I was happy and very afraid at the same time. Happy because my uterus was operated and the doctors told me i couldn't have Children. And afraid because it was his child.

After a while i called him up terrofied.
I did not want to my mother forced me to. I didnt dare.
His first reaction was : hahaha and you sure its mine? Hanged up and texted me sorry i need to think about this.
And he did. He told me how he wanted to do everything in his power to make it work. That he loved us. Etcetera told me everything i wanted to hear.
I believed him :((((((

So stupid of me. He would allways talk about his past. That he doesnt know why he does what he is doing with cheating that he would change now for us. ( when jn the mean while was cheating again with 5 other women)
When he called me up to tell me how much he loved me. He would after our conversation call all his other woman up to tell them the same ;)

I founded out about that later.

He was buying me gifts and every weekend came to see me ( he lived on the military basis thru the week)
In that weekend i would take care of him. He wouldnt do a damn for me
He would drive my car and i had to clean it while pregnant.

In the meanwhile he was f**** 14,15 years old in my own car. ( founded out later on)
On christmas day he lefted me for a 16 years old girl... He denied all he was doing then but i allways found out about it mostly after 6 months or a year.

That was enough for me. But he did still find a way back in.
Stupid me....

Then i had hellp syndrom and went very ill . While i was almost dying and my daughter to he came by to tell me he didnt love me and never had and that our relationship wasnt healthy and he only stayed with me for our child.
And then Walked away.
To come Back a day later to tell me that he is just afraid to bond he does love me and she should "make" another baby.....

Well im telling you i was very sick inside and outside i was constant in shock didnt even cry no more.
In the meanwhile he would play this wonderfull daddy and man. Even my mother did believe he wanted to change. While i was telling her all he did and say she was saying while it cant be that bad.

Two days after i have my beautifull daughter with a c section he lefted me again and F**** another.
My daughter was fighting for her life she was born to small to soon. He sitted next to here everyday but just texting other girls and made a fool out of me. I could Barely walk and when i did something ( walk etc) he told me to sit down and take care of myself
When i would sit down i was lazy etcera.
I really didnt know how much i could take. Had so so much pain. My daughter had heart problems. Her father was constantly treating me like shit. And then my father who still Stalked us all and writed me a horrible letter. I really tought there was something wrong with me.
I allways thought that because my father did treat us very bad.
But now a father and man who are doing this to me? I thought i deserved it.

I could go on and on And on about what my father did to me. While my daughter was in the hospital.
It so extreme you wouldnt believe me. Because of him i did almost lose my child.

Finally my daughter was strong enough to go home with me! :)))
I did take care of everything she needed alone. A perfect princess room, clothes. Toys. Everything and this girl did change my life for the good.

I Kicked my N out of the house
I was done done with them all!!! Starting to see a therapist again and she told me that because of my N father i was codepent and i was with a N now myself.

After i broke my relationship with the N
He started begging me. And had a real N injury. He seeked help in the church and that changed him a while.
He confessed al his sins and faults and called all the women up to ask Forgiveness including me.
He followed Jesus for a while. That changed him a bit.
I d gave him a chance again and it was good for a while. He takes care of us. And was working on himself really.
I was pregnant again and it went all good for a few months. He dedicated his life to God was honest etcetera. But still he was anti social selfish etc but i thought that part would go to

And one day he cheated again. No surprise. He wanted to leave me again while pregnant. And when i told him no not again. Dont Please dont do this to me again after all i Forgive him. Done for him. He just fall back in his old patron. And then he hitted me while pregnant try yo choke me etc.

He came back one more time.
But i was working on myself and wanted a big change for my Children so finally i broke up with him and my addiction 6 months ago.
After that he begged me really bad this time, went to therapy, where he had all kinds of diagnoses. He did everything he could find in his closet to manipulate me and made me feel bad for him.
And i did. But i didnt gave him a chance no more!!! I started to read about narcism / psychopaths.
I learned a lot.

But i still tried to talk with him.. To make him change. Even though i didnt gave him a chance ( proud of that!!!)
Deep in my heart i hoped God would change his heart. And we could Forgive and forget and be this happy family.
My Children are my everything.
I did the same thing as my mother. Fight for a men to dont have the Children to Miss their father. And to be validate. When this men destroyed me.
And did everything to make me unhappy. He is the most selfish man i ever met.

When we lived together i went to bed every single night in years. Crying. Wanted to talk to him to understand the situation. To escape. When i would cry he started singing infront of me or laughing. Or raging.

And everything behind closed doors.
Other people would think he was a great man and husband. Even my mother thought he was changed.
I became depressive. So he did win.
Cause now he could say its not me she is crazy.
I went to a psychiatric hospital one more time. I was so afraid of him at one point that i wanted to be there . And to be honest i really thought it was me.
He would tell me things to after that deny that he did tell me these things.
He made me believe i saw things that weren't there. Made me started to use medication.

This last 6 months Were hell to me. He tried to get me back went into therapy and was even honest about his disorder. Told me he doesnt feel anything for anybody except lust.
I wanted to help him. Still believed he loved me. In the meanwhile he was...
F*** other women again, lying about me telling that i did destroy his live to people. And than smile to my face telling me how much he wanted to work things out. He used the Children to hurt me. Doesnt hold appointments about them. Just didnt come to See them or pick them up. And when i confronted him he told me there was no appointment. Really made me go insane. The same with the money.
He doesnt pay a damn cent for 6 months now. While buying everything for himself.

He discarded me two weeks ago.
The day before he told me how he missed me and the Children and that he is so sorry for al the hurt he is costing and that he doesnt want to hurt me. That he hates his disorder. He loves me so much Etcertra

The next day he told me how happy he was right now with someone else and i should leave him alone. That he is doing everything he can for us and is paying everything.... That i cant make him happy that im the perfect women but not for him. Acting on the phone.. His NW was there.
When i started to cry he put the phone on the speaker.

I can go on and on and on
About the 30 other women. Or maybe 50
About all his Sick lies. And lying about that he lies. Even his lies are lies..
The manipulating that he did.
He did it all on purpose to bring me to the Edge of insanity.
He would make comments that doesnt make sense.
If the color of a door is white he would say its red.
He didnt agree with me ever never ever.
He didnt make time for me.it was allways about him him him.
He isn't a militair anymore. Right now he works on the gym.
And is showing everyone his body on Facebook
He is somatic
And they all fall for that charmant men with his crazy ex

The sadistic manners. How he would feel like very very happy when i would cry.
How he would Enjoy ignoring me
How he would started fights and drama to turn it all on me. And telling me he doesnt like to fight or the drama.
Made me doubt myself.
How he would do the gaslighting silent treatments when i needed him the most
How he would humiliated me infront of his friends.
The things he did and say against and about me behind my back.
I remember one day telling him that we should be thankfull for medication
He told me no i dont agree with that ^^
It was allways " i dont agree with that"
I have my own opinion about that " your a controle freak"
" you want to much of me"

I Cant stand that he did win and waited al that long to discard me.

And the craziest thing. I Miss him. I just cant believe he is just moving on like nothing happened and its ofcourse all my fault.. The raging Etcertra
I need therapy. For Godsake this needs to stop. For my childeren right now
And i can not take it anymore!
Its to much i became his zombie his puppet
And even right now it feels like he controls my mind still