Nonchalant_Muse66's Story

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#1 Oct 25 - 4PM
nonchalant_muse66
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Nonchalant_Muse66's Story

When we first met (February 2012), he came on aggressively strong. He gushed about how gorgeous he thought I was, he immediately asked for my number, and he kissed me more than once at the end of the night. At that time, I wasn’t as into him. Physically he wasn’t the type I was normally attracted to. Plus, he gave off that party-boy vibe, which made me assume that he probably wasn’t all that serious about me and would probably be pursuing several other girls within the week. So after our first meeting I didn’t give him much thought and I honestly believed that I would never hear from him again.

Well, over the course of the next two weeks, I DID hear from him again. I heard from him quite a lot. All of the correspondence was via text, and they all contained flowery messages like “hey beautiful” and “what’s up, Miss butterfly?” (nickname he gave me for being a social butterfly). I responded to the messages out of amusement, but again, I figured he would just disappear before long so I didn’t read too much into the messages. I was actually very surprised when he eventually asked me out, especially since I hadn’t given him much encouragement when responding to his texts (though, in hindsight, knowing now that he may be a narcissist, my lack of enthusiasm in my responses may have triggered him to pursue me even more, since I appeared to be a more challenging target). I’ll admit that I was flattered by his strong interest in me, so I agreed to go out with him.

Well, let me tell you, from the first date onward I was treated like a queen. He sent me sweet texts nearly every day, told me how amazing I was and how he couldn’t wait to hold me in his arms again. He showered me with compliments and gifts. He took me on many short trips, mostly during the weekends, and he was the nicest most attentive boyfriend a girl could hope for. Before long, my former disinterest in him changed into strong feelings for him. These feelings intensified even more when he expressed a desire to introduce me to his parents. For me, meeting the parents is a huge step in the relationship, and at that point we had been together only a few months. I was quite nervous but also very elated as I felt that his wanting to introduce me to his parents meant that he was very serious about the relationship, and perhaps it was heading towards the direction of marriage. Well, not only did I meet the parents, I spent several weekends going on outings with them and having dinners with them. I absolutely adored his parents, especially his mom; they both seemed to like me and were extremely welcoming. I learned all about his family, which included two siblings (both of whom I did not meet as they lived out of state). Over time, I became quite attached to them, and I must say that I still do miss the interactions I used to have with his parents.

My relationship with my ex continued to be a nearly perfect one. We never fought, we had a lot of fun together, our love life was excellent, and we were able to have long and serious discussions ranging from politics to religious beliefs (he was both a good conversationalist as well as a listener). Looking back, knowing what I know now about narcissism, he DID show some of the characteristics right from the beginning. For instance, he was extremely focused on his physique and ways that he could improve his body. He would weigh himself every morning (at the time I thought it was a little quirky, him being a guy and all) and he would comment on whether he had put on any weight (he’s a naturally thin guy so he was trying to build muscle). He was very diligent when it came to his diet: he would drink shakes loaded with protein every morning, he rarely ate anything that was processed, he religiously took vitamins, and he read lots of books on diet and ways to build up muscle by eating certain foods. He was a total gym rat, working out every single day, not missing a workout even on our trips (he always made sure to book a hotel that had a gym included). At the time, I really thought nothing of it, I figured that he was one of those health-conscious types and that it was probably good for him to be doing these things anyway. He was also very particular when it came to appearance. He dressed very well, and whenever he would take me out places, he would suggest that we dress for the occasion. I now realize that I, too, was a big part of maintaining that image he liked other people to see. Many of his gifts to me were items of clothing and jewelry that I could wear; things that would make me look good whenever I was out with him.

I will never forget the day that I was discarded. It happened a couple days after he returned from a short trip to NYC (he was gone for three days). Before the trip, he was affectionate with me as he always was; he asked me if I would drive him to the airport then pick him up when he returned, which I agreed to do. While he was away, he sent me texts that he arrived safely in NYC and he sent me follow-up texts regarding the fun time he was having out there. On the day I was to pick him up from the airport, I tried to get in touch with him to confirm the pick-up time. I got no response for several hours, which was very unusual. When I tried calling him directly, it went to voice mail. I did begin to worry that something may have happened since he never took more than a couple hours to respond to my messages and he almost always would answer his phone. I was relieved when I finally did hear back from him. He told me that his phone battery had almost died so he shut his phone off (he had forgotten the phone charger) and the battery was very low so it was possible the phone could die at any moment. I now believe that this was a lie, but at the time I had no reason to believe that he wasn’t telling me the truth so I bought his explanation. He confirmed the pick-up time with me, all the while calling me “sweetie” and sending me little kissing emoticons like he always did. He also let me know that he would be taking us out to dinner for a treat. After I picked him up, we went to dinner and he told me all about his trip. He was very affectionate with me the entire night, holding me, kissing me, cuddling with me as we watched one of our shows. We even slept together that night, which I now regret but at the time I was clueless as to what had really gone on in NYC, he put on an amazing act and to this day I am not sure why he even bothered to do so.

Things between us continued normally until the following night, after we returned from an event hosted by my friends. When we got to his place, he suggested that we sit down together and “talk”. I instinctively got a sinking feeling, but I was certainly NOT prepared for what came next: he told me that he “met someone” while he was away in NYC. I immediately wanted to know how far this had gone (i.e. did he have sex with her or not) and at first he didn’t want to tell me because, in his words, “this has nothing to do with us”. I insisted that it certainly DID have to do with us, if it meant that he was cheating in the relationship or not. He then admitted that yes, he had had sex with her. He also added that he intended to continue to see her. Well, let me tell you, I was completely floored by all of this. Shocked into complete silence. I couldn’t even begin to make sense of any of it, we had a fantastic relationship and he seemed to be so enthralled with me (even after he first got back from his trip) so the fact that he had done any of this was incredibly confusing and hurtful. I truly feel as though he was never sincere with me during our entire relationship, he once told me that he couldn’t afford to lose me, but how could that be true if he was so easily able to discard me in that moment? I did notice right away that he did not accept any personal responsibility for his decisions; he claimed that nothing was wrong with our relationship, that he hadn’t planned to find someone else, that he was tired from the trip, that it “just happened”……..I recognized all of this for what it was: excuses. Not once did he apologize to me nor express any remorse for what he did. He continued with his insincerity by saying “I must be making the biggest mistake of my life” and “you’re an amazing girl”; I’m convinced now that he was only saying the things he felt that I wanted to hear without meaning any of them. Maybe to keep up with the whole “nice guy” image. I decided right then and there that I wanted nothing more to do with him. I immediately gathered all of my things and prepared to leave. He followed me around a bit, the only apology he gave me was “I’m sorry I wasn’t The One”. Well, that comment DID make me very angry (inside, I was screaming “oh, so THAT’S the only thing you’re actually sorry for?!?!”) but I held back any angry outburst, which I am glad that I did. Actually, I was surprisingly calm the whole time, but this could very well have been due to the fact that I was still very much in shock. I think that the only negative comment I made to him was “I deserve better than you” or something along those lines, to which he didn’t respond.

Well, we said our goodbyes, he suggested we stay friends (which I promptly turned down) and we parted ways without another word. That was in June 2012. To this day he has never sent me any apologetic messages nor anything to indicate that he is truly sorry for what he did. I have not contacted him nor reached out to him in any way, and to this day I do not forgive him for what he did since he has never sought my forgiveness. I doubt that he ever will, so it’s safe to say that I will never forgive him. About seven months ago, he did try to connect with me by sending me an invitation to connect on LinkedIn. No message, just an invitation. I suspect this might have been a hoover. I deleted the LinkedIn invite and did not respond. I haven’t heard from him since then, I suspect he’s moved on either with the NYC girl or someone else. I’ll admit that I’m quite embarrassed and ashamed with myself for having been so easily fooled, I used to be proud of the fact that I had the ability to pick guys of a good and genuine character. I can’t say that now, unfortunately.

Finding this website has been a tremendous relief, I am so glad that it exists! For a very long time I remained very confused about this whole ordeal, as much as I tried, I could not make sense of any of it. Not long ago, a close friend of mine told me that she had always felt that my ex seemed full of himself. That comment stuck with me, and after doing a bit of research on “narcissism” I came across this website. Reading about narcissists and how their victims are idealized, devalued, and eventually discarded did clear quite a bit of the confusion away. Although some things will never be entirely clear to me, it does explain some of his actions. While he never devalued me during our relationship (except, perhaps, when it ended) he certainly idealized me, and he most definitely discarded me. I’ve learned that not all narcissists are alike and not all victims get treated the same way, and also that there are varying degrees of narcissism. I believe that my ex falls somewhere along the spectrum; he probably doesn’t have full-on NPD but he does have some narcissistic characteristics. I hope that by sharing my story I may have helped others who have gone or are going through the same thing. Sharing my story has definitely helped me, it’s very therapeutic to get it out of the system and I strongly recommend doing it if you have a story to share.

Please post your comments if you have any, I would love to hear your input and opinions about my story!

Oct 27 - 4PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

This story is my story.. This

Oct 27 - 2AM
RoseAbby
RoseAbby's picture

they read from a script