I am still so lost...

I met my husband when I was 19. He was my knight in shining armor...swept me off my feet. 6 years older than me, extremely handsome, a career firefighter. It was love at first sight for both of us and we moved in together 4 days after meeting...yes, I said 4 days. He had rescued me from a very unhappy abusive home and made me feel safe just by being near him.

Things were pretty wonderful until the children came along. He became very verbally abusive and felt very neglected. My daughter wasn't even 6 weeks old when he first threatened to have an affair if he didn't "get it" soon. Rape, although I didn't admit that's what it was became fairly regular. He would hold me down and force my legs open to pleasure himself while I would lie there with tears running down my face. It couldn't be rape because this was my knight in shining armor who had put me on a pedestal in the beginning...there was something clearly that was wrong with me.

Years passed and two more children came into our lives. My life was pretty consumed with being a full time mother. I had had three children in three and a half years. He became more withdrawn from me and I had found out about an affair. I tried to write his behavior off as a mid life crisis. He was hanging out with people half his age, bought himself all new clothes, was not home very much. Again..I was made to feel it was me...I had gained some weight, wasn't always made up for him and just looked plain tired all of the time. I wasn't fawning over his hero status anymore as a firefighter which was a huge issue for him and he would relish in telling me how other women found his career so "hot".

When I would tell him how unhappy I was and that I just wanted us to be a loving couple and family, he would suggest that I leave but wanted to make sure that I knew I would never find anyone better than him. He knew I couldn't leave. I was complete financially dependent on him and I had 3 babies to care for. I wasn't even allowed to have the passwords to any of our bank accounts and most of them were in his name alone. If I asked, it would start a huge fight and he knew I would back down every time.

Through the years I had tried everything to make him happy, make him love me. I went back to work, lost weight. Was in the best physical shape of my life since I was 18. Things were better for a while. He seemed attracted to me once again but then he started to get, in my opinion, a but twisted sexually. He wanted to whore me out so that he could watch. Show other men his "trophy" wife and get off while doing it. Every time we had sex, he wanted me to pretend I was with another man, never him. I hated it..it was empty and unfulfilling. He forced me through cruel manipulation into going to a nude beach with him where he tried to push me towards other men. Thankfully I never crossed that line but it sickens me to think that I had considered it so that he would love me.

Fast forward another couple of years and I started discovering nude pictures of himself that he would send women over the computer and phone. He was very protective of his computer and phone. I was forbidden to touch it. I would confront him and he said that it's just playing around...it makes him feel good and that it was my problem. I couldn't deal with anymore. We were also having major issues with our youngest son who was a senior in high school by this point. He was seriously into drugs and failing school. I was the bad guy because I was trying to hold my son accountable for his actions. He was the hero because he bought his son a brand new jeep cherokee to boost his self esteem.

I was losing everything...my family, my marriage, my self respect so on November 18, 2010, I woke up, got my son off to school, swallowed 30 sleeping pills and called it a day. It was my only out. The only way to stop the pain that I had endured for so long. He actually came home from the firehouse that day and found me and I ended up in the hospital, then transferred to a psychiatric facility. Of course, I was the crazy one now. Add that to the list of faults.

We stayed together another 2 years after that. It was awful. One valentines day 2012, I received an anonymous letter sent to my office that he was having an affair. Ironically it was 27 years to the day that he asked me to marry him. I had it...he was killing me and I knew it. I went home packed up his stuff put it in the garage and told his mother to tell him to come and get it. He never fought me on it. He picked it up and left. I realize now it was what he wanted all along but he was not going to look like the bad guy. I was a total mess. How on earth would I survive without him? I was with him since I was 19 and I was 48 at that point. I wanted him back so desperately. I didnt know anything but him. I fell completely apart again and was prepared to hang myself this time because the pills didnt work the first time. My neighbors stopped me and I was once again back in the hospital for nearly a month. I was out on disability for the next 4 months while attending an out-patient support group. It was while I was in that group that I got the courage to file for divorce.

So here I am, turning 50, still broken hearted, still thinking about him 24/7. Still dreaming about what could have been our future if we could just get our fairytale back. If I didnt know him or myself and just read this "story" I would say omg, is that woman for real? She is a nutcase! So where do I go from here?