The Scary Truth Of It

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#1 Oct 6 - 10AM
tkh198
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The Scary Truth Of It

I am 2 months out of a narcissistic relationship and would like to share. Just the hold these people can have on us knowing the cruelness in their intentions is hard to understand. Say it out loud and tell your story, reading it back can really help you realize what we sometimes choose not to see. I hope this helps in giving insight on what these disordered people are capable of.

Our relationship in the beginning was a breath of fresh air and our chemistry seemed amazing. The physical intimacy was incredible and I couldn't believe how lucky I was to find such a vibrant beautiful woman. She was a high school teacher, very well spoken and carried herself very well. She had a 4 year old daughter and I loved her too. I was proud to have her by my side and for the first year we seemed inseparable. I noticed some odd quirks, but I accepted that nobody is perfect and that is part of loving someone. Right??

The first year she asked to borrow money a few times and after giving it to her, it was never brought up again. I never brought it up either because I didn't want to embarrass her. She would often ask me to tell her the reasons I loved her. I would and she would reply how she could see it in my eyes. She would always tell me how lucky she was and how we were going to grow old together. She was extremely sexual but it was always about her needs, she would dictate how and when it was done. She had fantasies and would sometimes want to act them out and was into things I had never experienced. This was all new to me but I rolled along with it. I didn't think it was bad, just different. She once told me about being with another woman in college and I accepted that as sexual exploration. She would tell me I should initiate sex but when I did, it was almost as if I was committing a crime. She had no friends except for one that she claimed was her best friend not living in the area. In the 2 years I was with her I never once saw her talk on the phone to her.

She told me how abusive her marriage was and even said she thought about volunteering for a renewal house for abused women. She would tell me all the time how much she loved me and always look for me to tell her the reasons why I loved her. She talked often about having children and what they would look like. When we first started dating we would play a game and ask each other deep questions about past experiences, future wants and what made us who we are. These games were found on the computer and were always fun when being intimate and having drinks. What a great way to get to know somebody on a deeper level. She came up with this idea and what I thought at the time as cute, intimate and fun was just a way for her to find my vulnerabilities and get deeper inside my being.

Not only did she teach high school English, she also directed plays put on by the school. She loved the attention and loved the kids and parents doting over her. Then the red flags couldn't not have shown any brighter. A year into it she started hanging out with a female ex student she had taught around 6 years earlier. The girl was hanging around her a lot and it was like I didn't even exist. She did not want me anywhere near this girl and it was obvious she was hiding something. I was not hearing from her and all her free time was now devoted to this new female acquaintance. I called her and asked if the girl she was hanging out with was gay. Her first response was no, then after some prying she fessed up and said yes. Of course she said nothing was going on, she was just a friend. I cornered her about this and the lies she had been telling me and she literally exploded like I had never seen her. My instincts were in overdrive but I chose to let it go. My intuition was screaming and I was not listening. She then came back after a month. Looking back, it was her reputation as a teacher she was looking to protect. It had nothing to do with me.

Fast forward to another year: Things progressed and being around her was much like walking on egg shells. I know realized as long as I was making her happy and things were going her way, things were OK. I was scared to ever bring up any issues whether small or large because I knew how easily she got offended. She was starting to again distance me and I could not figure her out and she made me very confused by her actions. My instincts again were screaming and I chose not to listen. When I asked her if somebody else was in the picture she got extremely offended and said no with certainty in her tone. We were just on vacation a few weeks earlier and had a great time. We were together and she was calling us a family to me and her daughter, who is now 6. She shut herself down and I tried to reach out but it was like I was dealing with a different person. I broke the number 1 narcissistic rule and called her out on the issues we were having. I told her I want to get these things out in the air so we can work on them. I told her it's a 2 way street and it's not always her way. It wasn't that I wanted a break just work on the issues at hand. Anything I said to her she denied and put it all back on me as if I was the problem and not her. She dropped me via email and was vacationing with the next guy within 1 week of me. She had her daughter traveling with him to a theme park within 2 weeks of me. The last day I saw her, her daughter hugged me goodbye harder than ever. It was almost like it was a sign, it has literally ripped me apart. All that I did for her, both of our families involved, and the love I gave her and her daughter was diminished to nothing.

The last day I saw this woman she had spent the day with my sister, came back to my house and jumped in the pool with her daughter, told me she loved me on her way out the door to go and see the new supply. My teenage daughter who thought the world of her sent her a text a few weeks after. It read "How can you call us a family and do that. My dad didn't deserve to be cheated on and he wanted to give you and your daughter the world. People will see right through you." She replied back, "we are both doing fine and are happy, but thanks for asking" then deleted her from her face book account. I don't want to believe this is who she is, but there is a quote by the great Mya Angelou..."when somebody shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

I had no idea what I was dealing with or even that NPD existed. Being completely confused and in utter disbelief, I talked with my mother about the things that had happened and she suggested the possibility. I did the research and was floored. Even early on I noticed there was something cold in some of her actions, almost like there was something emotionally missing in her. I cant help but look back at the good times and want to see the good in her outweigh the bad. I know the truth but it is hard to accept. I cant believe what was a seemingly beautiful person has the capacity to be so cruel. I wonder if she actually knows what she is doing or just so messed up she really cant see it. It is true, the only people that understand are people that have dealt with this. To say your story out loud to anyone else, it sounds so bizarre they look at you in total disbelief. I just didn't see this coming and it hurts to know that after all I gave I was spit on like I was nothing to her. I am 2 months into NC and trying to stay strong, its not an easy thing to get through.

Thank you Goldie and Lisa for an awesome tool in aiding to heal the parts of us that have been broken.
Awesome informational site,
TKH198