Please help I'm going mad!

Hi everyone,

Sorry if this comes out as a big jumbled mess but that is how it is in my head!

We met nearly 4 years ago online (first mistake!)

The whole relationship wasn't bad but the things that were bad were really disturbing. So I will just list them otherwise the post will be VERY long.

He had a really odd relationship with his mum. He used to want to see her all the time instead of me. Ok so maybe they are just really close? It wasn't until we went away with his parents (who are not together but very good friends) that I started to realise something was really wrong. She would tell me how he was her miracle, they would twist each others nipples, if I wanted to go back up to the hotel room he would say he wanted to spend time with his mum. He would kiss her neck, if he told me I looked beautiful he told her too, if he kissed me he kissed her too. On our last night away I was really upset with his behaviour and being practically ignored that I called my friend. When I got off the phone I was ignored by him and his family so I had no choice but to go back to the room - he never came up. I had no choice but to leave on my own the next morning as he packed his stuff and left. I didn't want to be rude so I said goodbye to his parents and left. He came to my house a couple of hours later and dumped me saying I was unaffectionate, didn't care about anyone but myself and I was too controlling.... I begged him to stay and sort things out but his mind was made up. He even told me his mum wanted to rip my head off!!! What for? anyway we split and apart from 1 text from me (which he ignored) we had no contact. I was devestated! After 5 weeks he text saying how life was awful without me and that he was so sorry and basically pouring his heart out. We ended up meeting and getting back together.

I caught him on dating sites (the ones on facebook), watching porn and lying about it, making inappropriate comments to women he worked with, texting another girl while my mum was dying - I don't know what these texts said as he deleted them and of course he denies anything was going on and she was just someone to talk to as he couldn't talk to me. I ended up arguing with him about this and he just said if he is so bad then I should dump him.
He was always threatening to leave me and he really made me feel like it was my fault for being neurotic! He asked why I would want to be with him if he was fantasising about other women when watching porn and that he was not a priest. We broke up again with NC and him ignoring me. 2 months later I wrote an email taking the blame for it all and saying sorry and that I could understand why he was looking elsewhere and it was my fault as I was grieving for my mum (and constantly worrying about my relationship silently) and was not giving him enough attention (cringe!!!)

We got back together for a year and now he has dumped me again. 3 weeks before we were to move in together because I dared to get upset with him. I was really sick from a bad reaction to some tablets and he wouldn't even come and see me despite the fact that he had to pass my house on his way home. He could however manage to text me for money! When I brought this up he went mad and wouldn't speak to me. I tried to text and he told me he had no interest in talking to me. He came round the next day and dumped me saying this relationship was making him sick (even tho he was perfectly happy the week before!) he has tried everything to make me happy and he has nothing left to give. Told me he still loved me but that I didn't like him anymore. For god sake can I not tell you you upset me without you dumping me!!!
He kept saying things that made it sound I was the one that didn't want to be with him anymore leaving me completely confused as to whether he actually wanted it over or not. I am so sick of being hurt at this point and I can't have a relationship where I am worried he is going to dump me all the time and I can't speak my mind. Funnily enough in the beginning he told me thats what he liked about me.

Is he a narc or am I? Am I going mad as I feel I need to book myself into the nearest loony bin!!

The problem I have is that he wasn't really that abusive.
He always told me I was beautiful altho he said I am too skinny. I had stopped eating properly through depression. I can not put my finger on it but he just makes me feel insecure, ugly, that I should be lucky he even looked twice at me! (everyone used to ask why I was with him as I was so out of his league but I couldn't see what they were talking about)

I probably sound ridiculous but I just don't know how he can love me so much one minute and then leave saying I am making him ill! We only put the deposit on the house the week before and I had asked him if it was definately what he wanted to which he replied 100% and he has never been more sure of anything in his life.

There is more but I am so jumbled