the Goodbye I Never Expected

Dear You,

After 15 years, I can't believe it's come down to this goodbye. When you swept me off my feet for the first few years of our marriage, I was dead certain we would grow old together. I never, never, contemplated an end like this. But here it is.

You took me to the mountaintop with a love story too good to be true. Remember how people would tell us that we were their inspiration, and that they wanted something just like ours? How we have fallen.

I realize now that your father is a narcissist, too, and your mother was over-involved with you emotionally, and so you became this person with both an insane need for admiration, with a self hatred inside. Doesn't excuse how you turned my life upside down, but it explains it. You
can't help it. I get that.

My heart is broken, even now... after we broke up a few years ago, but have lived in this quasi-marriage in this house, until we could officially break up. Supposedly I should have moved on by now, as I prepare to move out in a few weeks, but your narc ways still haunt me.

Every time you told me I was weak and needed to be protected by you. every time you told me that NO ONE ELSE would ever love me, because I was so "weird" or "quirky" you set me up for when we did break up, and I would be left feeling worthless without the one person that could "handle" me. You tore down my spirit every day, not with cruel words, but with control, and making me doubt everything I did and said.

You loved to say "why are you making that face?" and "whats with that face?" and scrutinize my expressions constantly, for signs that I disapproved of you. I have become afraid that my face is weird and contorted all the time, because of it. When we had our heated discussion the other night, you got angry because you thought I shrugged when you hugged me, and you got angry because you thought I rolled my eyes. It will take a long time to trust myself again.

For all the times you freaked out because I didn't answer my cell phone fast enough "where were you? why didn't you answer my call?" To your getting upset with me for not wanting raw chicken dripped all over the kitchen, or asking you to wash your hands before you cooked dinner after sneezing, you made me feel as though I was persecuting you. You refused to go out to dinner with me for the past several years... because you feel that I'm too "jumpy" and uncomfortable (hello, it's because of your overbearing energy and criticism.) You know "stop looking around!!!" "calm down!!"

Your controlling ways have made me so anxious... and even when nothing is bothering me, and I call about something you start shouting "stop panicking!" "calm down!" But I'm perfectly calm. And when I had that virus a few years ago, and suddenly couldn't breathe in during a coughing fit, I was almost passed out.. and you said casually from across the room "oh, stop panicking.. you're just panicking." That's your answer to everything. I'm neurotic, I'm weird, I'm weak. And you.. You.. are perfect.

When we had to try and borrow money for the mortgage because of your job issues, you actually told her parents it was because I ran up credit card bills for my business. This was a lie. Not only did your parents not lend us the $1500.00 (and we lost our house,) they started hating me at that point, because you never shared with them all of the jobs you've lost in the past several years...

All of this.. the demeaning me in front of your kids constantly, the lying and sneaking around, the constant attempts to make me feel weak and useless, your refusal to allow ANY dissent of any kind, killed what I thought was a great marriage. I realize now that I guess it never really was what it appeared, or that you just were not able to live with the idea that I'd figure out how "awful" you are (or think you are) inside, if we got too close. And the funny thing is that now I wonder if we were ever really close. You only let me see what you thought would make you seem perfect or heroic. I was okay with the flawed you, because everyone is flawed in their own way.

And now, we've only got a few days left together in this house. I do grieve for the memories, and the hopes, and the dreams, we had. For all of the good times we had. And for the fact that if you could have just found a way out of this pattern of yours, our lives would have turned out so much better (on all levels.) But from what I know about your last marriage, and how SHE ended up an emotionally frail and weak shell of a woman... and how similar it was to us, I know that it cannot change.

This time, like last time, you've already selected your next meal. That woman that I swore you had something going on with a few years back, is now back in your life. Oh, I know we agreed not to date or get involved with anyone while we still had to live together, but you're lying about it. I see the phone bills. You're texting with her hundreds of times a day, talking on the phone. You've lied about going out to lunch with her, concocting these grand stories. And you've been going out to see other bands lately, staying out till all hours, so that you can sit and text with her all night. Yes, I even see that you're texting her 100 times a day at WORK. Another job you'll lose, no doubt, which will destroy both our credit until our mutual debts are fulfilled.

Breaks my heart that it's ending this way. I thought it would be more dignified. We have been able to create a good friendship through this long break up, but you couldn't help yourself. You had to find a new supply. You had to find a way to make the leaving not hurt your pride, so you dumped our friendship and the legacy of the marriage, and took up with her. You can keep postponing the rejection by getting a new woman each time, but it will catch up to you eventually.

I loved you, and always will in some ways. But now I have to rebuild my life and figure out who I really am now. Because I know I'm not this fragile little creature that could only survive with your help.