So disgusted!!

As i was going through some papers yesterday I found a very long email I had written the N towards the end of our relationship. It was written when I was still struggling to "fix" things between us and knew if I could only find the right words he would see the light and change his hurtful behavior. I reread it, and oh my, IT WAS ALL THERE! Every word I wrote was talking about idealizing, devaluing and discarding me. I simply wasn't aware at the time that he was a narcissist or that these things had names and terms for them. Every word I wrote tells me exactly what was going on.

These lines especially: "This abhorrence of admitting any wrong-doing (coupled with the constant verbal attacks earlier mentioned) has led me to feel I can do absolutely nothing right. You are good at arguing. You are good at manipulation (you know you do that). There are many times I have valid points which you then twist, evade, and talk around until you have my head spinning. It makes me feel I am never right about anything, I am always the one in the wrong."

Ugh, I am absolutely disgusted that I knew something was going on, but didn't know what it was exactly. I was in the relationship fog, still believing it was all real. Now it is all so clear.