MyTurnToBe Free Story

Seven years. Looking back now I knew something wasn't quite right but that was before I knew he was a N. I met him through an online dating service and we met right away. We hit it off perfectly and he wanted to take me to his house that he was in the process of buying. He had a nice truck and the house was nice. I'm not materialistic so although I could appreciate that everything was nice I wasn't overly impressed. By the third time meeting he convinced me to move in with him and six weeks later we were married. I wanted to wait a year before marrying but he was so insistent, which I chose to interpret as he was totally smitten with me.

It didn't take long after we were married for the complaining to begin. Why did I have to get out of bed early? Why did I have to drink coffee? Why did I have to read the newspaper? Why didn't I give him more oral attention? My thought, and eventually my comment was "maybe I'm not the right woman for you." That comment remained throughout the seven years, repeated by him whenever I didn't meet his expectations.

The purchases started right away. I had money coming into the marriage, he had none. He lost his job two weeks after being married and I invested for him to start up his own business. Any money made was slipped into his pocket for things he wanted to buy. He racked up guns, cameras, vehicles, trailers, computers, eventually horses, and quads. He was incessantly on the computer looking for something new to buy. My oppositions fell on deaf ears. My thought and eventually my comment was "when the money's gone, I'm gone." Another comment that remained throughout the seven years.

In the first year at a family wedding my nephew asked me to dance. I said yes and we proceeded to boogie on the dance floor. N shot up to the dance floor, grabbed my arm and took me to a dark place away from everyone else. His wedding ring was off. He told me I ruined everything and had just ended the marriage by being with another man. I was in tears and disbelief. We went to the room we were staying where he continued to threaten me. I told him I just wanted to get home safely and we could end our relationship. He threatened to rape and sodomize me. I knew he was crazy at that point and I was in fear. Major red flag. Why I remained with him after that I do not remember.

In the second year he secretly went to see his XW who he had told me he always returns to during his breakups. He lied about going, it caused an issue for us and at one point I wanted to confront her. I asked that he put her on speaker phone and ask her a series of questions. He told me he couldn't do that because he couldn't lie to her. Major red flag. Why I remained I don't know.

Although there were events in the third to the sixth year they do not have major red flags like those or the next two.

In the sixth year came the OW. Now having horses he met up with her and wanted to ride with her every chance they could. Of course their budding relationship came through a lie. He told me he was meeting with a group to ride, I found out later they were riding alone. He poured his heart out to her and she offered him a place to stay should he ever need it. I tried befriending her so that she would be a family friend and not his friend. That did not work very well. Any information I shared with her she would immediately send to him. After three months I was ready to leave if he didn't end it. He did.

In the seventh and final year came at first one woman, then two. Both revolve around riding horses. The most painful is that one of the women, and the most prominent to him now, is my niece. They both were assuring me that I had nothing to worry about but as the relationship was building into more than riding partners I asked my niece to back off. Not once, but on five occasions. At first she agreed and said she didn't want to be a factor in our marriage but eventually she stopped responding to me at all and immediately told him everything I was telling to her.

She needed his help over a four day period. I was totally against it and told her I did not support the idea at all. Suffice it to say that they went. When he returned he point blank told me he wanted a separation or a divorce. When he stayed out until five in the morning with OW #4 I told him to leave and told him I was choosing divorce.

He left and has now been gone for five weeks. It was very hard the first few days when I was still programmed to believe that I was the one that caused the issues, that I needed to be more understanding of my husband wanting to spend time with OW and that I caused him to become enraged at me because of things I said or things I did. At the time I was convinced that I was the reason that he had to get away.

I now see a counselor. I have read many online pages about N. I have read books about N. There is now no denying who he is.

His fits of rage, yelling at me for something I said as simple as "you're trying too hard" now make sense. His continued need for other women's adoration and attention now makes sense. His dislike of me spending time with my family now makes sense. His spending habits, his many jobs, his lack of ability to listen to my opinion, his finger pointing and criticisms, his dislike of anything that I liked all make sense now.

I had grown accustomed to the way our marriage had become. I was quick to apologize for speaking my opinion if it differed from his. I knew his NF had issues. I had red flags but I had grown accustomed to making them my fault. I had commented many times I never knew who I was coming home to. I also mentioned that he seemed to flip from happy to upset about things I said that I didn't even mean the way he interpreted them. He always said it was my responsibility to make sure he had the correct perception of what I was saying. What?

Having grown accustomed it was devastating for him to so quickly discard me.

Now I am bombarded with the daily phone calls and texts. "Can I come home?" "Do you want to get back together?" ARGH! While he's sending me the texts he is planning to buy a home with my niece and share a life with her.

I know I will never understand the processes of a N mind. I know that NC is the way to go. I have filed for divorce and only speak with him about divorce details either through text or email. I still have a long way to go. I have a wonderful support system of family and friends who encourage me and contact me regularly to ensure I am okay.

In my weak moments I miss him. I look forward to that passing.

Well, that felt good to get out in the open!