LisaD's Story

I've written my story in journal form; something about writing it all out here has held me back and I'm hopeful that once I finish, I will be able to move forward more easily.

Most of you know my story from my posts but I'll start at the beginning.

We met him as a family, at the dog park. He was the regular, the resident expert and always gave information to people about their pets, solicited or not. He seemed "different" somehow, not the stereotypical, outgoing, attention seeking type of N. Quiet. Gentle with the dogs. (I suspect this may be a major form of supply for him) He met my whole family, and soon suggested play dates for the dogs outside the park. Thus began a friendship. He offered to babysit our puppy once, we reciprocated by inviting him to dinner. He pointed out things about our home that could use improving, and read over the quotes we got and generally, gradually insinuated his way into our life.

Eventually the other family members would be busy, and I would take our dog alone to meet him. (Sometimes for hours) I began to feel comfortable with him, and our "friendship" deepened. I shared about the difficulties with my children, I shared about my unfulfilling marriage. I gradually grew to depend on his friendship. I couldn't tell other people in my life about my troubles but I shared everything with him. So much was happening at the time. My son was having extreme difficulties, taking drugs, truant, etc. My dad was diagnosed with kidney cancer, I was thinking divorce...

At the same time or slightly before, my husband gave me an ultimatum: Either we have the marriage he always wanted, or we talk divorce. I had been so unhappy for at least ten years but never had the courage to divorce. I haven't worked, never finished college. I was "just a stay at home mom." On the other hand, I didn't want to prostitute myself by staying married for financial reason. I told him I'd think about it. BTW my husband is a nice, normal, sensitive good guy. We've been married 27 years.

The time frame is all jumbled in my head so I don't know truly when I realized I had feelings for the N in relation to the ultimatum. But around that time I realized I did. And soon, he initiated a conversation about it, acknowledging he and I had some affection growing between us.

It happened so quickly from there. He was so romantic with his words. "Wow. I never thought I'd feel this way again", and, "I can't wait to get you home and marry you." We talked about telling my husband, we talked about boundaries. I knew there should be boundaries but I had never felt this way before. My head was spinning. We talked about our first kiss endlessly, before it happened. We built it up and it was everything I'd wanted. Within a few days I told my husband and it was the most horrific time in my life.

My husband felt betrayed. I kept excusing it by saying "you knew our marriage was over" and "I did not have an affair" But it was an emotional affair at that point to be honest.

The kids, the hurt, the pain, it was awful.

The first devalue came the night my husband forced me to tell the kids about the N. I think it was the night after we had told them we were going to divorce, which was within days of me telling my husband.

My 12 year old daughter was extremely upset by this entire episode. I never believed in divorce. I didn't bring my kids up that way. It was not comprehensible.My husband and I were set to use separate bedrooms but my daughter asked if she could sleep between us this one night. And I don't know if it was wrong or right, but for one last night I wanted her to know that no matter what, we both loved her and would be there to protect her and would be her parents, even if we separated.

When I told the N, he was livid. "You did what? I don't care that you were in bed with your husband. I care that you made a poor decision with your daughter. Oh!!! This is BAD!! This is really bad! I don't know if i can process this! Give me space to figure this out!"

That was the first time I saw anything strange.

I didn't think it was strange at the time though. I questioned my ability to think logically and make good decisions.

My family asked me to not see the N for 30 days while they adjusted. I was encouraged to accept this, and I did. We said our "heartfelt" good byes. It was so romantic. I would never hear words like that from him again though. And within 2 days of that period he contacted me. Rules don't apply to narcissists.

And so I texted, emailed, talked, and even saw him during this time, behind my family's back. And all the while he was so angry about this imposed no contact rule. And he'd try to make it so hard for me when I said I could not safely see him. "Well, you're breaking the rule by talking to me there's no difference!!"

I'd say the first 3 weeks after acknowledging our "feelings" were beautiful. False, fake, manipulated, I know now. But that's all that was good. The rest since then has been control, silent treatment, belittling. Anger, frustration. Confusion, CD...

One day about two months ago I saw a psychiatrist to help me get off my anxiety medications. I mentioned very briefly about the N,not yet knowing he was one. And the psychiatrist told me straight out, he's a narc, you're codependent, you don't love him, you just depend on him.

I immediately looked up the definition, not knowing more than "self love" and man was I scared. And I found this site, a lifesaver.

When I first met him, he was so intellectual and smart I just had to let him know up front that I wasn't, that I had never finished college and i did not feel I was smart.And he looked me in the eye and told me how brave I was for telling him. And ironically, the last time I saw him, his words to me were, "Are you RETARDED?" I turned on my heel to get in my car. He blocked my way. I pushed. I kicked. I caused N injury but I'm glad.

I have regrets. I am ashamed of myself. I have apologized directly to my husband's face.

It's true I was unhappy in my marriage, but I had never looked outside my marriage before. And I wasn't looking when this happened either. I wasn't looking. I didn't realize I was falling in "love" while it was happening.

So yes I'm ashamed. But I also accept that I'm human. And I have forgiven myself especially after knowing that these toxic individuals choose us, can actually seek out those who will give good supply. And he manipulated me into abandoning my values. Yes, I do take responsibility, but I also now know what I was up against.

Anyway, all the rest of the story is in my posts. So similar to everyone else here.
Thanks for listening.