Butterfly1313's story

I am struggling to put this all down as there is so much I could probably fill a book. My story is much the same as others. We were both married. We had been best friends in college, he wanted more then, I didn't. We reconnected through Facebook. I was his one that got away and he told me that for the last twenty years I would often pop into his head. I loved my husband but the economy had hit his profession(construction)hard, and most days he would sit on the couch all day while I worked to provide for us. He was also emotionally withdrawn and would never compliment me to save his life, and forget about any kind of romance. With two young kids, I felt depressed and money always seemed to be an issue anymore. This rediscovered friendship made me feel happier and more alive. I am not proud of this, or any of my own actions. My old friend broke down all my barriers and my moral compass. He convinced me we were destined to be together; it was fate and true love. Looking back, there were red flags galore, all of which I excused or ignored.

He turned on the charm. He said all the things I was so starved to hear: I was his favorite person on earth, his best friend once more, he loved my sense of humor, my stories about my kids, my whole outlook on life. He thought I was gorgeous and glamorous. I was the whole package, he told me. I was sweet, sexy, naïve and trusting (yes, he said that), and funny. I was quite simply, "IT" for him. I brought sunshine and joy into his life, he said. He told me about his marriage and his life. His wife was crazy. She was a martyr and enjoyed playing the victim. She made him feel bad about himself and was never satisfied. I couldn't understand it. He was surely the perfect man! (I didn't realize then if she was crazy he made her that way)

He would tell me stories. I want to go to England one day. He has been, so he emailed me a whole story on the two of us travelling to England, saying, "Who knows? Someday maybe we can go together for real." He sent me links: Here's the hotel room we will stay in, here is the first stop on our tour, here is the park we will picnic in. It was brilliant of him. All it cost him was a little bit of time, no money at all, and I was completely captivated. Anytime he told me stories of our possible future, he would send links of the menu to this restaurant, a picture of the dress I would be wearing, or the diamond necklace he would have bought me. He was an amazing story teller.

I never pushed him, I never nagged. I was content just to be with him (I was after all madly in love with him). I loved talking to him every day for hours. I would never have pushed him for more, I don't think. He was the one who pushed for more. He loved me, he wanted to be with me forever. He was romantic and sweet and couldn't get enough of me. He craved me, he said, and couldn't go a day without touching me. I was his soul-mate, and it was destiny that had brought us back together. He wanted to take care of me for the rest of our lives. He knew of my money struggles at home (Of course he did. He found me so fascinating that he just had to know what made me tick!). He often stressed how much money he made - he had to tell me the cost of everything he owned. He would tell me he knew that me and the kids were a package deal. He knew I was a strong woman who didn't need a man to take care of her, but he hoped I would allow him to. He was my dream come true, my Prince Charming.

We soon began spending much of our days planning our blissfully happy future together, our lifetime of love, laughter and happiness. Oh, and lots of travel too. We talked about every single aspect, our wedding, the backyard oasis we would create, even what our pin numbers would be for our joint account! I was unhappy with the way we began, and we discussed cheating at length. Oh no, he would NEVER cheat with me! It was only because I was his true soul-mate that he had done this. Only because he and his wife lived separate lives, married in name only.

My husband became suspicious and started snooping, he blackmailed me into staying by threatening to tell the N's wife about us. This happened twice... twice I stayed to protect his cushy life, his marriage, which he swore he was working to get out of. Multiple times, the N set deadlines that came and went, and still the separation never happened. I still had blind faith in him. No matter what my husband said about what a liar and a player he is, well... I knew this man much better than my husband did. I was there, after all, and knew how completely sincere the N was in all he said.

Rather than appreciating any sacrifices I made for him, the N began throwing jealous fits. He made snide remarks about my "real life" outside of him. He called me a hypocrite and a liar and accused me of having sex with my husband behind his back. Our situations were the same. He was still at home, still living with her, but his double standards were mind boggling. I was expected to constantly keep him aware of my schedule. Any doctor's appointments, vacation days, etc. had to be cleared with him. And yet, I knew very little about his real life. It got to the point that I felt beaten down and dreaded coming into work on Mondays, wondering what new hell he would throw at me. We fought so much, causing me a lot of stress. He never apologized either, the most I would get from him was an admission that he sometimes gets "squirrelly". He was the master of the insincere non-apology (Well I am sorry you feel that way, but-). I convinced myself that it wasn't him, it was simply the situation we were in.

I wondered how I had gone from being on a pedestal, the most amazing, wonderful person, his favorite in the history of ever, to someone whose every word and action was "wrong" suddenly. I went from him valuing my opinion and my point of view to being told everything I thought was "bullshit". His "humor" got steadily meaner and more often at my expense. But then I was simply being too sensitive, you know. I was constantly told I was attacking him. Suddenly, all the traits he had attributed to his wife he laid on me. I was being a victim and a martyr. All I did was criticize him. This was because I expected his words and actions to match up, and they rarely did. I demanded answers from him. I even asked him at one point if he was sabotaging us, since his behavior seemed to have changed so drastically. Of course it was turned back on me, and he said he had wondered the same about me.

The inevitable happened, and my husband found out it was still going on. After confiscating my phone, he kicked me out and called the N's wife and told her. This was all my fault. The N later told me he felt I had hung him out to dry. The fallout was truly awful, his wife attacked and threatened me through text (of course I was the home wrecker, she blamed me. He was the honest family man. What a joke), but I stayed true to our vision. I got an apartment for me and the kids. The N moved to his mom's while he sorted things out. It was all devastating, but the happily ever after we had so wanted was surely right around the corner.

We could finally be together like we wanted to be, with no limitations on time. He came over a few times but the romantic dates he couldn't wait to take me on never materialized. We sat and watched tv and had sex. That was it. And the sex that used to so sublime became rougher, more of an ordeal for me. He was a sadist (admitted it to me) and it made him happy when I suffered. It became everything HE liked, with nothing enjoyable about it for me. But he would tell me how proud of me he was for taking it to please him. What had started out so passionate and wonderful had dissolved into nothing but pain and self-loathing for me. When I tried to talk to him about it he would get angry and threaten to take sex off the table completely. It was clearly causing me psychological damage, he said.

He became vague, closed off, and uninformative as to his life outside of me. Rather than spending every moment with me like he claimed he wanted, he came up with what I felt were sad excuses to ditch seeing me. He would shut down completely and give me the silent treatment for days when I questioned him. When I told him I needed to know what his future plans were (I deserved that much after he planned a life with me for a year and a half!) he told me he wasn't sure about a future with me anymore, as he felt MY ANGER was killing us. Not a word about why I was angry with him, or any of his behavior. I told him I was willing to do whatever needed to be done to fix things, but I needed him to want that too, I couldn't do it by myself. Again, he got vague. One day out of the blue he told me that he had a really weird ability to simply be done with people. He could be friends with someone for years, but if he felt wronged, he was done with them and that was that. It caused him no pain or anxiety to cut someone of long standing out of his life. I asked him if threats were supposed to make me feel more secure in us. He said it wasn't a threat, merely a fact.

The end came suddenly and swiftly. He had come over, and as usual, we had sex. It was horrible for me and I ended up sobbing, which he liked. So afterward, he would usually at least be sweet to me. We were watching tv and cuddling when he suddenly for no apparent reason reached over and pinched my upper arm. It was so unexpected and painful that it brought tears to my eyes. I yelled at him and he got sulky and quit speaking to me. When he left ten minutes later, he didn't kiss me goodbye or tell me he loved me. The next day he texted me like everything was normal, and I tried (thought I had a dark blue bruise on my arm) to act happy and light. I waited until Monday to calmly ask him what the deal was with the pinch. A normal person would have profusely apologized. He told me he was just playing and I got all pissy as usual. I told him he crossed a line and he downplayed it as me trying to change him. I knew I had to be done with him. I sent him an email telling him I was better than that and deserved better. He never responded.

After a week had passed I sent an email No reply. I sent three within the month, none of which he bothered to reply to. Just like that, after two years he had cut me off. I had ceased to exist for him. Me, the love of his life, his destiny, his princess. He had been much of my world, and I felt so lost. He had done such a wonderful job of convincing me that he was the smartest, most wonderful, most loving and caring man on earth. Of course it was all a lie, so now I am deep in cognitive dissidence. It has been so traumatic, and my friend dismiss it with saying "Oh, he was just a jerk." But no, he was far, far worse than that.

It has now been five and half weeks with no contact. At first I admit that wasn't my choice but now that I found this website it is. He is too much of a coward to come back. I believe he knows that I know what he is. I recognize that on some level I was lucky. My kids were never exposed to him. I did not go on to marry him. I can only assume he is now back with his wife, and I hope she makes his life hell.