Jumbled Thoughts - From the beginning to now

Where to begin?
We met on a night out and quickly fell for each other. He was younger than me and lived with his parents. I had my own place, he quickly moved in and I noticed him being quite tight with his money, holding back to pay for takeaways etc. Asking him soooo many times each month for the rent. BUT I loved him and we were blissfully happy. We did not go out much but were happy to cuddle on the sofa.......I knew I wanted to spend my life with him. In the beginning I was the fiery one. He didn't argue, I gavehim silent treatment if he upset me. He always apologised first, was the perfect guy...
THEN....
We decided to try for a baby so we moved into a larger home. I discovered the debts, he did not pay a penny to move into a lovely 3 bedroom house. I paid the huge deposit, furnished it, everything!!! He just took it all... I didn't mind, I loved him, wanted my future with him. He loved me......

We had ivf treatment and had a gorgeous girl. All through I worked full time up until eight weeks before the birth. While pregnant I discovered more debt!!! His mum paid it off, he didn't seem bothered by this and made no attempt to pay it back. All through my maternity leave I paid half of everything, got a loan to pay my half of bills and mortgage, bought all the baby stuff......he paid half of our monthly outgoings also and never once said 'dont be silly hun, I will pay more don't you worry while you are off work'

He is a fire fighter but refused to get a second job to support me working part-time, said 'why should he?' We only paid interest only on our mortgage. I was made redundant from my job, got a part-time job so I could be with our daughter sometimes. I begged him to get extra work as he had three to four days off a week. I said I had provided our home and it was now his turn to put something in or we would lose the house, he didn't care. Did some half-hearted jobs but gave them up. He said I paid for the house and everything because of circumstance and when we were older I could live off his pension! He told his mum he couldn't worry about money, he wanted to but just couldn't, and I just wanted material things!!! He laid in bed until 11am on his days off while I was up at 5am with our daughter. She did not sleep through the night until she was 18 months. I was exhausted but he did no night feeds as he said he would not be able to wake for her so would have to sit up all night and then stay in bed all day the next day. After working nights he would come home and sleep all day, despite being able to sleep on the job. If he had plans himself he would not need to sleep, if we had plans or I needed help it was always' i've had a rough night Im going to bed' ALWAYS. Other guys from the same station went home and did diy spent time with families etc.

I felt like a nag and still wonder if it was me being cold and moaning all the time just caused him to fall out of love with me??

I caught him smoking cannabis while he was supposed to be listening out for our sleeping daughter, found dubious porn on our laptop, porn dvds in his work bag, evidence of cannabis use, MORE debt, twice his mum paid it off. We were living on a joint budget and had twenty pounds for food one week then I saw a bank statement of his, he had been spending money on crap running up an overdraft!

When I returned to work he started taking our daughter to his family in canterbury. I asked if they could come to us as the long journey made her sleep and she kept me up all night and I was tired for work. He lied about going there and I found texts to his sister laughing about the fact that our daughter slept all the way home. He said he felt 'torn between me and his sister' that she wanted to see our daughter so he had to take her there. They have a strange relationship, he seemed to care more for her well being than mine. Was over-protective of her and always felt sorry for her, even though she only worked two days while pregnant and gave up after and had a supportive husband!!

There is more than this obviously, verbal abuse,belittling me, gaslighting, not being able to voice an opinion to him, having to ignore his debts etc as they were 'just mistakes,dont keep making me feel bad, another woman!! more lies, more buying things for himself behind my back even though we were struggling. Im not innocent, I have a temper and can be nasty. I wonder is Im the narcissist??? He said I made myself 'unlovable'. did i????

WE finally split after an awful row where he sat for two hours saying terrible things and because I said one thing back I got a cushion thrown at my head. He left and didnt look back. He text me the next day to say his sister had lost her baby, no mention of the previous night or me or his daughter. He told me on xmas eve that he was 'excited about starting a new life'. I was devastated. I found out he was seeing a woman from work, a younger woman.He denied it at first but then finally admitted it. They are now looking for a house to rent together. They seem happy which makes me think even more maybe he just fell out of love with me and tried to make it work but was just too unhappy which is where the nastiness came from. We had so many arguments, I threw him out so many times. Sat in my room by myself in the evenings to avoid more conflict. He said that was abuse to him!! maybe it was?? He walked out and did not look back. Did not seem bothered at all, was indifferent to how I felt and the fact I was so devastated. He said he was 'in a bubble and one day it would hit him'

He agreed to help with the mortgage for two years and i allowed him to look after our daughter at home while i was at work.Then i found out he was using washing machine and tumble dryer.He also helped himself to food! I asked him not to as I was struggling with bills, he continued to do it behind my back so I said forget the extra money as I don't want you in this house any more. He reduced maintenance to the lowest possible amount.

Part of him fits the narcissist perfectly but he doesnt like material things (other than xbox)he is not confident, is very insecure yet he is haughty and arrogant at the same time. Does not socailise well, has few friends. His father was abusive to him and his family.

He sees our daughter and is sometimes a great dad, sometimes does not make the best effort. I offered him to come over xmas morning and watch ellie open her presents. He said it was 'too far to travel from his parents in canterbury'. Even though she begged him. I offered him to stay at the house one night a week with her and I would stay at my mums, he said 'i would feel uncomfortable here'.
I asked that he call her every night to say goodnight. one night he called and i said she was in bed early as she had been unwell. he called me a 'nasty cow' and did not even ask how she was!!! not even the next day. His mum said it was because he knows I am a good mum so he does not have to worry!!

He wants to be friends now, sometimes talks about how he wishes things were different and how he loves me. Then goes cold and keeps me at arms length. He says ' we lost each other and never found our way back' and 'we both turned our back on each other'.

When I met someone he said it didn't feel good to see me happy with someone else. Asked me what I felt I had doen wrong in our relationship!!!!

I told him he had made his choice and I had moved on. I do still love him so much but have no idea why!!!!! I know I have to stop the texting. He said he feels guilty that he still loves me and is with someone else?????

He tries to put guilt on ellie as he has nowhere to live. tells her he misses her so much but there are lots of times he could see her and 'has plans'.

I still blame myself. How does his new gf make him happy and I didnt?? Was I too cold and critical?? Did I expect too much?? Why do I even care???? He walked away and did not care at all!!!!!!!!!!!

I thought I was over this as we have been apart for 18 months, I just still feel so confused as to what the hell happened?? I'm still so hurt and still cant stand the thought of the gf and him having the happy life we once had in the beginning.

He still sends silly pics and reminders of our happy days.....I dont get it??

Sorry for this long story, I have left so much out but feel a little better for getting even this much in writing!!