My Narc story.....

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#1 Aug 12 - 9PM
Shan
Shan's picture

My Narc story.....

My story starts in Sept 2011. I had decided that I would start dating again so my friend told me about POF. I was only on the site for 3 days and I got a message from my Narc. Attractive, athletic, charming, successful, a good father, funny, life of the party, 2 wonderful boys, amazing family. We talked on the phone several times before we decided to meet, but the chemistry was there and we both felt a crazy connection.
Red flag number one: He cancelled our first date 2x the day of. I overlooked this initially because he was a single dad and he had problems getting a sitter both times so I thought that could happen.
We had an amazing first date. And things progressed from there. He told me he was falling in love with me after about 3 weeks of dating, told me I was his dream girl SOOOOOOO many times. I was the light in his life. A breath of fresh air. The girl he always dreamed of meeting and dating, and wanted to marry me one day. Even said he felt more love for me than he did his ex wife. They were together for over 10 years.... HIS STORY is that after she had the 2 boys she went crazy somehow due to hormones. She ignored him, and just focussed on the boys. He said he felt like he lost his wife.... SURE RIGHT.... but at the time I believed the victim story. She also then cheated on him with one of his best friends and is currently living with him now and has been with his other man for 3 years... My N and his ex have been separated for 3 years and are still not divorced.
Red flag number 2: his profile said divorced, he was not. And told me that the divorce would be done in Jan 2012... well we are almost in 2014 and still not divorced... i can imagine trying to divorce a Narc must be hell-
Red flag number 3: he smoked and said on his profile he was a non-smoker ...

The first month was amazing despite a few red flags that you could pass off as white lies. I had met his boys and family by this point and he had met mine. Everyone thought we were soulmates and so did I... We were madly in love, and we had both found the "one".

As I go back to tell the story I am aware of the warning signs now that I just wanted to ignore I guess.. I almost puke telling you all of this and feel like such a idiot...

Warning sign one ... He didn't have his own place.. We always had to meet at a bar or restaurant or he would come to my place ... He told me he just broke up with his GF a month ago and they had been living together so he was staying with a buddy until he moved into a house he just bought, and he was in the process of selling his house with his ex wife so had to wait till that all went through. Well I guess he felt too guilty after telling me this lie and said he was actually still living with his ex gf because he didn't have anywhere to go with the boys for a few weeks until he moved into his house... He said he was afraid if I told him the truth he'd lose me.

So then he ends up moving into his house finally- Things were ok for about a week and then he tells me that his ex gf was supposed to move into the house with him and she had rented her house out, but then they broke up and now has no place to stay.. so he asked me if I would mind if he helped her out and had her stay there until she found something else... My gut was screaming something is wrong here... but it was too late , I was in love with him and chose to ignore this.... I told him I didn't like it, so he understood and told his GF that she would have to find something else because it was unfair to me... The ex GF was pissed... but he made the right choice ...
We continued on and I noticed he would drink alot when we went out to the point of getting drunk almost every time... to the point he wouldn't even be able to get it up ... this got annoying.. and affected our sex life..

He would go thru periods of extreme highs, and then lows.. often I would show up after driving an hour in traffic and he would be drunk on the couch, complaining how empty he felt ...
I don't think he ever bought or paid for much... we split everything and I was ok with this...
I would often catch him sneaking into the kitchen texting, he would be on his phone texting constantly.. but I just minded my own business.. He would ofter disappear and leave to go to the store to get cigarettes and take an hour and the store was just down the street.
3 months in he started to say things like " I just can't give you what you need". He was starting to pull away , would always show up late and leave me waiting for dates, not call when he said he would, just plain ignore me when we were out together, never want to do anything I wanted to do. Never seem to be interested in anything I wanted to do or anything I liked.. Would always say he was the best at everything, everyone loved him, and of course every girlfriend before me was "fucked up". Never wanted to be involved with my friends... and I never really met any good friends of his.. although he always says he has all these friends.
Anyhow.. eventually I was pushed to just end things.... He said he wasn't ready for me and he'd been through too much but would come back for me when he was ready.. I was tired of his bullshit... So our relationship basically lasted 6 months and I was done... and hearbroken.
I decided to get on with my life .. and I did
The Narc kept in contact with me after we broke up always sending shit like i still love you, i'll come back for you, i'm sorry i wasn't ready for you...we met up a few times to have sex but then he'd say he still wasn't ready for me.... the mistake I made is I didn't keep No contact... i would respond to him from time to time... BIG MISTAKE LADIES!!! DO NOT DO THIS!!! KEEP NO CONTACT!!! but still i moved on, but i'd hear from him here and there ...
About 7 months later I met an amazing guy who treated me wonderfully and I couldn't believe I settled for so little for so long... 6 months into my new relationship I am super happy and then Dec 31st 2012 I get an email... "hey beautiful I still love you and think i want to get back together, you are still in my heart and I think of you everyday" FUCK! I responded .....
I continued on in my new relationship trying to ignore my Narc but I couldn't .... and I thought because I thought of him all the time I must be in love with him still ... so what happends... I end up eventually giving into my Narc and going back to him May 2103... It took 5 months for him to get me back, but I broke... and ended the relationship with a guy that loved me to death.....
Well not even a month into the relationship with the Narc and things got really bad fast. Showing up drunk all the time, never paying for things, ignoring me again, this time put downs, and just making mean comments,other girls texting him at late hours saying " oh ya they are from before, i just don't respond".. Making me wait around for him all the time, and always late for everything... not to mention I always drove out to see him and he never came to see me.... I was so unhappy and definitely realized I made the wrong mistake breaking up with my boyfriend for this asshole, I was depressed and unhappy, I realized I too was drinking all the time now to numb the pain... I also found out when he broke up me the first time he ended up going back to his ex GF and then broke up with her and dated another girl and then broke up with her Dec 29th on his bday and then was sending me that email 2 days later on Dec 31st about wanting to get back together... what a prick!!! So I'm starting to lose it at this point and can't take much more.... And this is all it all ends...
He invites me to his friends 40th bday celebration.. one of his "best friends" i've never even met and I've known him for 2 years at this point... but he says it's a Big deal that he's invited me to this party... Like WTF ever.. I was pissed off, and had enough of this prick ... so that was my attitude going into the night... Of course with little food in my stomach, and my drink of choice vodka and redbull.. this spelt disaster... All i remember is maybe the first 30 min of the party and then all hell broke loose... I must have gotten plastered fast!!! And all the hurt and my true feelings just unloaded on him infront of all of his friends... I'll never know exactly what I said to him that night, or what started the altrication ... But some of the girls were nice enough to help me into a cab.. he put his house key in my pocket and told me to go home and we were done...

The next day I woke up at his place... he never came home... So I left and went to my place... He never called me so I called him.. his phone was off... He called me later and said he turned his phone off so i wouldn't ruin his night.. told me i embarrassed him in front of his friends and that he couldn't trust to take me anywhere again...Asked me why is everythign all about you? I've never gotten like that ever before.. that was the first time.... He told me we were done and I had to get help and stop drinking... He told me he videotaped me stumbling down the street ... not to show other people but to show me how drunk I was.. Ya like ok asshole.. videotape your drunk gf but don't even help her into a cab or make sure she got home ok... So anyhow that's now it ended.. and his last words were ... Go and talk to someone and when you get better call me and see if I'm around... i'm gonna enjoy my summer... And that was it.. last contact was June 23rd... 2 days later my friend saw him back on POF and his caption reads " LOOKING FOR MY DREAM GIRL" so if you come across this asshole on POF Run!!! and since then there has been no contact...until day 30.. I broke and emailed him and said I was sorry about embarassing him at the party.. I slipped up but i am human.. he has not replied or talked to me since June 23rd.. but in reality he is doing me a favour.. i am sure this guy is a Narc after reading other stories...
I am a 41 year old beautiful, smart, successful, woman.. I am upset at myself for falling for a Narc... but i realize i have been doing this my whole life...
I am in the process of the path forward and I am fortunate and blessed that I found this site... I know I am not alone ... Everyday It's hard but each day gets better and I am getting stronger.. and will not break NC ever again!
Working out helps me, spending time with good friends and loved ones, eating healthy food, I love my job and am good at that .. and am thankful that this asshole is out of my life and didn't pull me down with him. And someone else can deal with his bullshit... I have also read some other great books that might help some of you..
Help I'm in love with a Narcissist by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol ( amazing read)
And i'm reading this book now : Will I ever be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers? (an amazing read again)

I think it is important for us to realize why we pick these Narcs.. I've been doing it since I was 16.. And now I finally have found out why my 'picker' was off.. I thought something was really wrong with me.. but now I am on my way to healing....

I feel gratitude for this site, and all of you on here who are struggling with your own Narc's ,ex Narc's... your stories make me feel that i'm not alone.. and coming back to this site when I have a moment of weakness reminds me why NO CONTACT is so crucial in recovery and why this time it's ALL ABOUT ME.. I CHOSE ME.. I LOVE ME! IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT HIM EVER AGAIN!!

XO Shan

Aug 14 - 11PM
ZanShin
ZanShin's picture

We dated the same guy. Seriously

Aug 15 - 11AM (Reply to #9)
Shan
Shan's picture

Hey!!!

Aug 12 - 11PM
Dallas
Dallas's picture

Hi Shan

Aug 13 - 8AM (Reply to #6)
Shan
Shan's picture

Cool name!

Aug 14 - 10AM (Reply to #7)
Dallas
Dallas's picture

Thanx Shan :)

Aug 12 - 9PM
fefe65
fefe65's picture

Bless your heart; yep I hate

Aug 12 - 9PM (Reply to #2)
Shan
Shan's picture

Dear FeFe

Aug 12 - 10PM (Reply to #3)
fefe65
fefe65's picture

Thanks Shan just hanging in

Aug 13 - 8AM (Reply to #4)
Shan
Shan's picture

you deserve better! we all do!