Anyone else just tired?

Sometimes I just feel tired of all of this. Reading, journaling, thinking positive, remaining NC, good days, bad days, therapy.... It's a lot of work in recovery!

My struggle at this stage is to allow myself to enjoy life. I can be having a good time and this little nagging feeling comes over me like I shouldn't be happy. Oh yeah, the N. Ugh!

I always view myself as the victim of what happened and therefore, being weak. Yesterday, my therapist told me that I reminded her of The Matrix movie. The scene where he dodges the bullet in slow motion. She said she looked at me and saw a strong person who had dodged a bullet by removing myself from the toxic relationship with the N. She said it took strength and courage.

This really impacted me. So today, I am doing well. When the N crosses my mind, I am letting him drift out of my thoughts without feeling sad or analyzing. Because things really are good in my life. I can't keep punishing myself for what happened.

After all, where would I be right now if I hadn't gone NC? Crying, losing weight, sick in bed, missing work, not taking care of my family, feeling isolated, being rejected, abused, suffering from the silent treatment, having anxiety...

I think that today, we all need to pat ourselves on the back for our strength and determination to get through this. And yes, I am tired. But it is so worth it be in a better place at this moment.