My Nemesis

This is my story.
Its sad, its crazy, its unbelievable and its probably far too long.
I will start at the start because this is how I am processing how I ended up where I am at today at age 54.
I was Child number 6 with yet 2 more to follow me.
Those 2 became my fathers pets and were spoilt outrageously right in front of my total neglect and denial.
I believe my mother wanted me, after all she loved babies but thats where her love stopped. Im sure she tried her best, but with so many children and so many issues she was probably overwhelmed. She is however some what narcissistic. I cannot remember her ever hugging or kissing me but Ive watched her with babies, so at some point im sure she did.
I was totally ignored and invisable to my father.
His attentions were only for his 5 sons and a little for my 2 elder sisters.
His treatment of me was cruel, callous and indifferent.
he never spoke to me directly but to my mother.
I grew up believing I was unlovable, ugly and quite possibly the milk mans offspring.
He referred to me as HER or SHE and I was denied any sort of attention or recognition from him. I was often left at home alone while everyone else went out to have a nice time, my mother included. I was denied things such as a winter coat or bike for school when the rest had these things. My mother always explained that my father had all the money and if he refused to spend any on me there was nothing she could do about it. I learnt the hard way you HAVE to be special to get anything even a rain coat.
I wasnt special.
I loved to dance and my sisters convinced my mother to send me. I became a very good dancer but had to baby sit the neighbour hood kids to pay for my lessons yet I was a still a kid myself. My mother never had any money. I had to beg her for money for my school exams and even though I passed all subjects ( I had missed a lot of schooling due to untreated kidney diseases) my father snarled I wouldnt need any education to change nappies.
Turns out he was right.
I was picked on mercilessly right through my schooling and later learned that some children are obvious 'victims' to predator type children.
So I grew up in a busy , noisy home devoid of much love or attention but for my eldest sister who was like my mother.
As a child I ended up spending almost a year in a hospital many miles from my family. My mother never came to see me and sent my father a few times. I remember. I was petrified and started wetting the bed. As a punishment I was locked in a pitch dark broom closet by a huge scary nurse.
I still to this day sleep with a night light.
I spent most of my teenage years living with my eldest sister and they were my happiest years I can remember.
She died of cancer aged just 30 and it broke my heart.
I was alone with my little boy and a rotten divorce behind me and I was barely 21 years old.
Even my unemotional mother knew how badly her death would affect me.
A few years later after many worthless and humiliating relationships I was to meet the man of my dreams.
Enter My Sociopath. Tall dark and handsome.
Intelligent, employed in the forces and from a good background. He was often quiet and mysterious and sometimes distant. He could hold me in awe at times and other times confuse me with his actions or was that lack of actions?Months into the relationship and he hadnt even tried to kiss me except when dared to by his drunken mates at a party. I remember it was a lightening fast peck and then he was gone! Laughing and joking that he DID kiss me! I see now what that was all about. The narc showing the world he can and he did. Nothing more nothing less.
Over time He reminded me of someone but I couldnt put my finger on whom? The first time we spent any length of time together he arrived with all his washing. I was more than happy to do it all. That was my lifes calling. I had cleaned and scrubbed my way through life so why not for a guy whom I thought was going to be the love of my life and give me the happiness that had been missing for so long. The next day a truck arrived at my home with a dismantled car on board. He was going to build me a car and without any ado he disapeared into the garage for 2 weeks. I fetched and carried and lingered near by . I made wonderful meals and coffees happily, because he was getting me a car! OMG!!! no one had EVER cared enough to do anything remotely nice for me! We never went out because he was tired after slaving over my car each day sorting out the jigsaw of pieces and rightly so! Hence when we should have been dating he was locked away in the garage and I was left in the house waiting and thinking how really I was one lucky gal. Later on he sold that car. I never even got to sit in it let alone drive it.