My Tale of Woe with PMS - The Ultimate Narc and Ultimate Lesson!

4 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Aug 3 - 2PM
Eyes Wide Open
Eyes Wide Open's picture

My Tale of Woe with PMS - The Ultimate Narc and Ultimate Lesson!

I had an affair with a Narc. It lasted about 15 weeks. I was quite emotionally vulnerable. My partner and I moved to a small town 4 years ago. I work from home, and I know very few people. My partner travels extensively. In spite of my efforts to keep busy and make social contact, I was withering from loneliness and isolation. I am very vivacious, and am also a nurturer and 'rescuer'. Yep, perfect recipe for disaster.

When my Narc and I first connected (spoke online for some time before meeting), I clarified I did not want to hear derogatory comments about his W, and I would never speak poorly of my partner. In fact, the more I learned of the Narc's W, I thought she sounded like a very decent person. A fantastic and dedicated mother, devoted and hard working. I paid her compliments, and he would respond with silence.

I have never experienced a Narc before, and now that I've been educated and have had therapy and done homework, I clearly see the many red flags that I ignored because I was so lonely and vulnerable.
Those flags included his immediate effusive expressions of love and his obsession with me. I was perfect, I was his 'tattooed rocker' chic (the antithesis of his conservative, evangelical wife). And other classic signs as well: His lack of interpersonal relationships; his long term grudges and troubled extended family dynamics; his difficulty participating in group functions; his inability to forgive, ruminating on past injustices; his one and only close friend (whom he just reconnected with after 28 years) lives in another state. His many requests from me for phone calls because he needed to hear my voice, needed me to cheer him up, he was stressed and struggling. Narc speak for "my ego isn't getting fed at home, I am low on 'supply'. I need you to stroke me and pump me up".

This Narc is obsessed with his younger years, when he was a 'partying concert goer'. Just after we met, he immediately began sending me pics of him in his late teens and early 20s, when he was rather handsome. He is now 49 and barely average looking. His behavior seemed downright juvenile regarding this and other things too.

But of course being so vulnerable, I soaked up his admiration. He showered me in compliments, adored me, lusted after my body, loved my tattoes (discrete ones on my hips) and my long curly hair. We had great chemistry, laughed until our stomachs hurt, and of course had great sex. Enjoyed the same music. But, towards the latter 2 weeks of the relationship, things began to feel off to me. I couldn't put my finger on it, but that gut feeling was kicking in.

His wife and kids were out of town for a week, and I went to spend the weekend with him. Funny, as I was driving there I realized I was excited but felt anxious too. I felt as if something bad was coming but was trying to ignore it.

Things went okay, but I found myself having to force a smile and laugh. I didn't feel very upbeat. I began to have a crisis of conscience about all of the deceit, and kept thinking of my LTR and how I didn't want to lose it. I saw clearly that this Narc (who is also evangelical and told me he lives in a 'biblical home' and has studied the bible a lot in many classes) was living a completely double life. Or in Narc speak - he was 'splitting'. Outwardly, he is the perfect Christan husband, a nice guy, an excellent provider. Inwardly, he sees himself as a fun loving, free spirited party animal. Smokes pot, drinks, listens to rock & roll, flirts on the internet.

That weekend I was at his house, he wanted to have sex all over his home in the places his W uses. On her desk, on her ottoman, and even in the family room where they spend time watching tv with their CHILDREN. I was blown away by that, couldn't even imagine it. It began to really hit me just how deep his contempt for his W ran. I realized that I was an object of war in his sick power struggle with is W. As I looked around their home, I found there was not a single family picture anywhere in their home. 3 kids, 25 years of marraige, and NO family photos on display!? That is a very unhappy home and marraige is what I deduced.

Earlier than planned, I wanted to leave. I quietly packed and was wheeling my suitcase out of the bedroom when he intercepted me in the hallway. He was shocked, hurt, got teary. So of course I caved. UGH!

Later that week, he said he needed me, to please some spend another night. I thought about it for a bit, had mixed feelings, but decided to go. It was disastrous. I could tell we were in wierd place emotionally, and knew something was WRONG. Then, whilst laying on top of me, his face inches from mine - I asked him a question and he flew into an intense rage. Just inches from my face, he was bellowing and swearing at me, his face contorted in rage and anger. Incredibly aggressive. A bit later that night, he warned me he might do and say things that hurt me because "he does that to people". I left early the next morning, didn't stay for the coffee, and could barely let him hug me. I didn't hug him back.

I emailed and told him I needed a time out, that I wanted to evaluate things, think about my LTR and work on that. I asked for no contact. But the Narc couldn't honor that, and emailed me on the second day and dumped a bunch of truths on me that he had been lying about - of course that included another relationship he had been hiding (her mother had emailed him to let him know the woman was now in a coma, dying of brain cancer).
When we met, he wore he'd never committed adultery before, had only flirted online with a particular woman and she was the one with brain cancer. But of course that wasn't true - he DID have an affair before me and it was with a completely different woman, and she was the one who had the brain cancer. But that she'd hid the illness from him, and had kept him at arm's length. They decided to be just friends, so of course he went looking for someone else. And there I was. He states she had begun emailing him again recently, and then revealed her illness. He was quite upset about it.

Anyhow, long story short, things went from bad to worse for us. His 'friend' did of her brain cancer. I had requested a break, and he began sending relentlessly cruel emails. Vicious personal attacks on me. I was so traumatized and heartbroken. In complete shock that this could be the same man as the one I had been so infatuated with a few months before.

I got angry (YAY ME!!!) and I unloaded on him with both barrels. Attacked him where I knew it would hurt - his overinflated ego, his delusions about his attractiveness, his lack of happiness/fun in his life, his hypocritical Christian husband facade. I warned him if he ever harmed me or continued to verbally assault me, I'd take the many emails/pics he'd sent (including that confession of his previous affair) and in no uncertain terms, I threatended I would destroy his life. I'd inform his wife, his entire family (had collected all of this info off of his FB page), his church....and he would become a pariah. I demanded NO MORE contact. He was shocked, tried to handle me and butter me up and wanted to be friends. Forced the most insincere aplogy ever (of course twisting it to blame ME for our problems). When I rejected his offer of friendship and reconciliation, he again launched more ugly volleys email volleys.

I'm nearly 6 weeks out now. My mother and best friends know and are supportive. I told my partner just a bit of it only because I was so emotionally wrecked that I couldn't hide it. I am seeing a therapist and psychiatrist. My partner has changed companies and no longer has to travel much. We are committed to improving our relationship and working it out. We LOVE eachother so much. I am grateful he has stuck with me through this.

I'm still healing. What astounds me is that the first few weeks after parting, I missed him SO much, and ached for him, and was wondering if there wasn't a way to salvage something!? I can't believe I felt that way now! I still have days where I am filled with anger, and mentally I tell him off 100 times in 100 ways. Thankfully, I now see clearly how SICK he is and how sick the relationship was. Through therapy and reading, I'm learning how and why it happened, what drove me, and I am grateful to be healing. I am grateful it was a short lived relationship and that I had the strength to back off (it wasn't easy, I was addicted for sure).

Before I finally blocked him on FB, I saw that he had just friended "J", the gal he says was only an online friend - the one he used for his subterfuge for is real affair. Yes, he's moving on to his next victim. I've no doubt he'll try to cultivate a real affair with her if he can. He needs that supply. I temporarily scared him about outing him, but his arrogance and need for supply trumps all.

Thank you for reading. Being able to share this with others who have experienced a Narc is so helpful and cathartic. I appreciate it very much!

XO
D

Aug 3 - 3PM
Eyes Wide Open
Eyes Wide Open's picture

I should clarify,.....

Aug 3 - 11PM (Reply to #2)
Beckybird
Beckybird's picture

His Wife

Aug 4 - 2AM (Reply to #3)
Eyes Wide Open
Eyes Wide Open's picture

I agree!