Today is 1 year - holy crap!

1 year ago I found this website. I had been laying on my family room floor for several days and was a wreck. Bathroom issues, compulsive crying, anxiety attacks, a few attempts to do the weird things we do when we are fighting so hard to convince the narc to stay...

A wreck. To say the least. It's a bit blurry now but I can recall it. And good thing in my opinion! I do not want to forget how low I had sunk. I had two boys who were looking at their mother and wondering what the heck was wrong with her. I was ready to throw in the towel, quit my job, surrender my life.... the pain was so bad. And that would not have been the first time I attempted suicide because of this narc.

I was in CD so bad, maybe some thought I might not come out of it. And I was angry. My mix of emotions was amazing.

I did what everyone here said. For the first couple of weeks I spent all day on this site. Even at work. My poor employers. I was not a good employee for a while because of the last round with the narc. But I read. I ordered the books. I went to a therapist immediately. I prayed. I exercised. I wrote gratitude lists and I dumped all my thoughts and feelings on this website. And I stayed NC!

Never ever, had I been asked back then, would I have said yep - I am really being done with this. I had several months where I waited for the other shoe to drop. I was really cautious. I gave up some things that I really liked just to keep myself safe and relatively sane. And I stayed NC!

If there is anyone new reading this, please stay on this site. There is no judgment here. There is a lot of help here and release. And, most of all, there is healing.

I cannot write profound things and statements of wisdom, but I hope some of my tidbits on this site really relay the amount of gratitude I have for people like Grace, DS, Spinning, Lisa, Hunter, and Goldie.

I am a different person today. I am amazed at who I am becoming. I have good days and bad days, but I am truly different than I was a year ago. All the things I thought were what make up one's life: drama, stories, chaos, etc., I have pretty much eliminated all of them. I don't even know if it's something I've done or maybe just where I've been taken too since I have started to change my own thinking and behaviors.

So... happy birthday to me. This morning I am sitting with one of my favorite cups of coffee and my new big screen monitor typing this. Last year I was laying on the floor crying, thinking about getting my laptop. LOL...

And a big THANK YOU to everyone on this site. I hope I have something to give back to someone else the way it was freely given to me.

blessings and prayers
round3