Im actually going to die with pain and craving for her.

I asically met this girl (I'm a lesbian) long distance through facebook back in November.  She's from the states and I'm from Ireland.  She contacted me as we had a mutual friend that she dated over here (who wasn't a nice person).  That person didnt treat my partner right, and I consoled her on the phone and next thing I know, we both hit it off.  We spoke most nights, with her being sincere (not overly sickeningly charming) and saying all the sweetest things to me.  We laughed and joked and spoke about everything.  She has a very good job in the States and money no problem to her.  She flew over to Ireland to see me a month later and stayed in a hotel.  Upon first sight, I fell for her.  She had this confident but shy, vulnerable look about her, and I felt so safe, so warm and content in her company.  She knew my history.  I was in an abusive relationship and it scarred me as I had no idea people could be that way.  I suffered from anxiety and she totally understood.  It was like a panic attack (what I originally wrote to you about) thinking "god I dont fancy her, Im trapped".  That panic would pass and I would go back to feeling serene with her.  I have engulfment fears probably but she was worth it and I was willing to fight tooth and nail to fight my commitment phobia.

I went over to see her in the states a month later.  She paid, she brought me to New York where I had a wonderful time.  Loving sex, which blew me away with such intensity that Id cry tears of joy and love after, holding hands, chatting, laughing etc.  She seemed so genuine.  However, when we got back from NY, I Met her parents (she told me she had a troubled abusive childhood).  After I met her parents, for some reason she went all distant with me.  I picked her up on it, and she said it was all in my head.  I started to think I was going crazy.  The more 'needy' i became, the more distant she became.  This went on for three days until I had to become 'more fun' for her and finally when I did (although I had to take a xanax) she went back to normal.  

The sex then returned (after her sleeping with her back to me for three days) and we got back to normal.  However, outside the bedroom, she always seemed bored with me. This baffled me as she had up until that point showered me with love and affection and all the nice things she said such as "you're so cute, you're so sweet, you're stunningly pretty"/.

I returned back to Ireland and we continued to speak.  She arranged another trip to Ireland in May, and she came over.  My friends welcomed her, my mother was delighted to see me with someone good for me and my mam and my sister treated her to a birthday meal (it was her birthday when she landed).  I got her some lovely cosmetic products and a chain for her birthday and she didnt seem phazed at all.  Her thank you kiss I KNEW she didnt feel a thing.  The entire weekend she didnt touch me saying "I cant just turn it on like a tap as I'm waiting on your next drama episode". I was floored with upset and crying.  She fell asleep in her jeans in my bed, spralwed across it like it was a cheap Motel.  

The final night before she went home, we went out for a few drinks.  She got drunk, and when I asked her could we leave as it was 11pm, and her filght home was 7am the next morning and I live with my mother and didnt want my mother seeing us drunk, she went into a rage saying "How long have you lived with your F*CKING mother? I moved out when I was 16".  We ended up going home in the car with me silent and then finally that night, she had drunken sex with me.  I felt used.  I'm very sensitive, even though I appear confident and bubbley.  
She went home the next monring with me crying as I missed her.  I was due to fly over three days later for ten days.  We deliberated on the phone that night before whether I should go over or not considering she didnt seem to fancy me.  She said "If you can have fun, then yeah come over, but I have fun things planned and want to have a good time".  

I ended up going over, her ex husband collected me (her daughter's father who's she very good friends with) as she couldnt get the time off work.  He dropped me to her work where we looked at each other and hugged.  That night, we had a bbq, and it was a lovely eveving, still no sex that night when we went to bed.  The next morning we got up and went to baltimore, a trip she had planned.  That night she wanted to meet up with her ex-gf, a friend who made her first realise she was gay and they hadnt seen each other in 17 years.  I know she isnt attracted to this girl as she's not her type, but that girl is still in love with her as she told me.  I sat there the whole night feeling ignored.  They reminisced with each other.  I had to wear my sunglasses to prevent me from crying.  After many drinks, we went back to the hotel and went to bed, and I said "Could you put your arm around me?" she replied "I've just lay down for f*ck's sake".  I said "forget it, nothing new" and she got up on her knees in the bed, waving her hands around screaming at me "you're f*cking nuts, you're f*cking crazy".  I got up and started packing, even though I'd nowhere to go.  I ended up of course, sleeping back in the bed with her at the end.  
We left the next morning back to her hometown in PA.  With silence in the car on the way home.  She said "Pack your stuff then look for a flight if you want".  I was FLOORED with rejection, pounding heart, disbelief and it kicked off horrendous abandoment issues in me.   I went into her house when we got home and my hands were shaking while trying to change my flight as she watered her plants in the garden.  It ended up after much crying from me that I wouldnt go home.  
We went over to her parents that day as they had a lunch made for the whole family.  My girlfriend afterwards fell asleep on the couch for three hours leaving me to go home with her daughter and boyfriend.  She arrived home 4 hours later.  
The next day, we had a 'good' day.  We spoke on the porch, and she opened up a bit more.  We then went into her hot tub (both of us in our bikinis and not 'naked' as she told me we would do before I went over).  She ended up smoking weed.  I ended up taking a drag and I dont do drugs.  That night we went to bed, with her watching tv and me closing my eyes.  The next morning, she got up and i asked her "what is going on with us" and she said "we're just friends".  I said "Why didnt you tell me that?" and she said "Because why cant you relax and go with the flow"? I said "this time I am going home" and she said "fine, ive to go to work but be ready by 4pm and i'll collect you".  However, at 11am she drove back from work, clicked her fingers and said "come on, out, i'm driving you now to the airport".  Her taking business calls and laughing on her phone on the way and me holding my chest with rejection screaming crying.  She dumped me at the airport and some person who works there had to pick me up off the ground after as I was almost taking a nervous breakdown.  
I got home, and funny she rang me and checked if i got home ok.  It was the longest flight of my life.

For the past two months, we have been talking, with her knowing now the tables have turned and she's in control.  I suggested I moved over to america on a three-months visa waiver and we get couples counselling.  SHe cried.  I told her she was a commitment phobic with engulfment fears, she agreed and said she'd give counselling her all.  Then last thursday we spoke and I said "Did you get the email from that therapist I sent you, she is looking forward to working with us when I go over".  She said "I told you, right now I've my exhibition in work which is 18 hours a day for the next week (this is actually true and she's not lying as I've seen them all talking about it in her job when i was there), and then I have my daughter going of to colege and THEN we will talk about it

I hadnt heard from her in a week (the longest yet) so