Breaking the Silence

Last Wednesday I finally broke. I have been fighting it for years but our last conversation broke me. I layed on the floor sobbing until I threw up. This lasted for hours until I threw up blood. My thirteen year old held my hair and cried with me. I never wanted her to see me like that. So weak and pathetic.

I have been with my husband for fourteen years. I can't begin to tell you what I have endured during this time. During our marriage I would constantly find condoms in his pockets, a secret cell phone, bank accounts and I looked the other way. He would dismiss it all and make me feel like the crazy one for even questioning him.

He was like two different people all the time. I never knew what to expect. He lost interest when we had our first child. He started going out for days at a time and then when he returned he would yell at me for questioning him and tell me to mind my own business. He would go out for steak and bring me and our daughter his left overs. He would buy himself new things while I was wearing three year old shoes or hand me downs from family members. We had two more children and it only got worse.

In public to our friends and family we were a model family. So complete. People would tell me how lucky I was to have such a great husband. When we got home he would lock himself in the room to watch Porn or chat on line and if we tried to disturb him he would yell until we went away. My children and I walked on egg shells. He hardly ever worked. I supported everyone including HIS FAMILY. He was the stay at home parent yet, he hardly cooked, cleaned, or took care of the kids. If he did cook we would have to constantly tell him how wonderful the dish was or he would accuse us of being ungrateful. If he did clean he would tell me over and over until I said thank you like he was doing me a favor. Our children were in daycare because I could not rely on him to pick them up from school.

Sooo much abuse. I could go on and on. He would talk about himself for hours. There were times in the car that I wished I could jump out the window. Nothing in his world was reality. He would make things up and if I would question him or say that's not true he would break me down until I agreed just to get him to stop.

So here is the thing... I am a smart women. I have a college education. I have always supported my family ALONE, I am a good daughter and good friend. I am an amazing mother. Why couldn't I break free from him???

It is like I am drawn to him like a drug. He left me over a year ago to be with the Other woman he has been seeing behind my back for years. We are not even divorced and he is already living with her. He has lost contact with out children. Although they are taking it better than me because he was never a father to them. He treated them like they were a bother to him. Expendable. Property. When he was acting fatherly he would make them feel like he was honoring them with his presence.

He has not paid any child support and doesn't think a thing about it. He literally started his life over. It's like we never existed.

This is the most painful thing I have ever gone through. I have started taking meds just to get through the day. I have three children to raise alone and I can't be this person. I need to be free!!!!