My tormentor

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#1 Jul 10 - 3PM
zeldasar
zeldasar's picture

My tormentor

I don’t know if my ex is a narcissist, he is a functioning heavy drinker/possible alcoholic, unreliable, thoughtless, lacks follow through and doesn’t require the connection that most normal people want. He is handsome, has a great build, funny, fun, smart and a hard worker and we have an amazing physical connection. But he has brought out the worst in me; anger, anxiety, tears and depression.

I would like to get feedback and have come to this forum for support.

I considered myself smart, successful generous women who has a lot to offer the right person. But this man has made me wonder why it is I would tolerate such bad behavior and turn the pain inward on myself. My insanity continues to amaze me in thinking things would change.

Here’s my painful story:
I met my tormentor close to a decade ago when we lived in the same city. There was immediate chemistry and physical attraction. We went on a few dates and then he stood me up on New Year’s Eve because he got drunk with his brother. There was no grand gesture to make it up to me. Of course, I was very upset and somehow he tried to turn the blame on me and my anger. Back then, I guess I was much less tolerant of that behavior and that was basically the end. I did see him again once or twice but nothing really come of it and I moved on.
Year later, I moved to a different city. About 2 ½ years ago, out of the blue (ironically I was getting laid off from my small company as it was acquired by a large corporation); he left me a message on my work phone. We spoke briefly, and then started texting but very inconsistency. I saw him a few months later as I still had a home in the State I left. We then started a sexual relationship which included all the push/pull from the past. I did my best to stay away from him and then last September it took a turn and became more consistent. The first 3 months were good; he really made an effort to call, helped me with my condo move and was reliable and consistent. He even spoke about moving here in August. Told me he loved me, blah, blah, blah….
Then it went back to the way it also was the push/pull:
• Not calling when he said he would
• MIA on the weekends
• Not answering my calls
• Canceling plane trips within the last 24hrs (of course he had his reasons)
• Not answering my texts/calls after the Boston bombing, which is the city where he lives, for 18hrs after the attack.
• Forgetting my birthday, and then when I told him, he only sent a text and didn’t call me until I became angry and then tried turn it on me.

And that’s the short list.

Here’s the confusing part for me. When I seriously talked to him about his bad behavior he would own it, apologize, say he would make it up to me, try harder, say that I wasn’t asking for a lot and then go back home and do the polar opposite. The last time he was here, I begged him to hear me. That I couldn’t take the toll it was having on me. My friend said to me that he wasn’t afraid of losing you and that really hit home. I was so upset that our talk didn’t get through to him that I told him I wanted to date other people, reactive my match.com account (which he saw). It was a passive, aggressive move, made out of frustration and of course it didn’t work. The last time we spoke 3 weeks ago, I was in tears and he abruptly ended the conversation saying he would call me back. No call but two texts later and I haven’t responded. Unfortunately, I did the Google thing and found out his brother suddenly died on 7/2. His mother just died in February and I know he must be devastated. But he didn’t reach out to me and I am beside myself at how irrelevant and not needed I am. On paper, I have way more to offer him than he has to offer and should be treating me like a queen. Intellectually, I know I dodged a bullet but my heart can’t catch up. I know I have a lot of work to do on myself since that is the only person I have control over. And I have begun doing that reading Marianne Willamson and others; trying to let go and let the universe provide.

Thanks for reading and any and all feedback.

Jul 17 - 8PM
ziggy
ziggy's picture

I'm sorry. We all know you