Loie's Story

So ladies...you know the drill. After pouring over these stories, it is eerie how alike these jerks are. So, here I am sitting, just over one month of NC, just over one month of the what I predict will be the final D&D. Without further ado, here was my narc road to ruin.

He and I had worked together, him as my manager, for three years. He had a gf that he had been with for eight years, and although I developed a huge crush on him, never crossed any lines to flirting or anything. My father cheated on my mother for my entire life, so I had grown up accustomed to the horribleness that was infidelity, so I would never cross that line. While working with him, I witnessed him cheat on his then gf by kissing two girls that we worked with. So I knew he was a cheat (RED FLAG). He moved across the country for that relationship, and we lost touch. Two years later he came home to visit, and I knew he was now single, so invited him to hang out. After that point, it was roses and rainbows and kittens and everything wonderful. Even though he was 2000 miles away, our relationship was amazing. We saw each other usually every month. He was amazing and so kind, showering with affection. There were a bunch of insanely bleeding red flags that I should have acted on and probably ended things, but he was so wonderful otherwise. When we started dating, he was unemployed and said he was going to move back. He got a really good offer out where he was; I said it was too good to pass up. He maintained he would still move back. Nope, never happened. Secondly, he gave my an STD, and when I told him, he expressed zero empathy for it or the symptoms that will now plague me forever (PID) (RED FLAG). He got really angry if I had plans that would prevent me replying to texts or calls (RED FLAG). He was so materialistic, he spent alllllll of his money on clothes and things. He had to have the best of everything. He never could take teasing about himself. He would interrupt me talking to say something about himself. He would interrupt to say "love me" or "why do you love me?" He was obsessed with his FB and posting so people could comment on how great his life was made to appear. (RED FLAGS aplenty). I accidentally found out he hired his supposed ex gf to work for him (a girl he referred to as a "psycho b1tch"), and he didn't care it upset me that he 1)did it and 2)had hidden it for years.

Still, I began to realize he was never going to move home, so decided that since he was telling me he wanted to marry me, I should look into moving there. I tried, but the economy was so bad in 2009, it was impossible. I work in an industry that only exists in two places in the country, and his city was not one of them. So for me to move would involve abandoning a cut-throat career that I worked my butt off to get into. I have a masters degree, and he has a high school diploma, but I was still willing to give up all my work to cater to this man since he "loved" me so much. I got an offer to move there last summer, but it was a horrible job that came with horrible pay and no relocation payment. When I tried to talk to him about logistics, he did not offer to help me physically or financially in my move (RED FLAG). When I tried to talk about how we would combine finances, he wouldn't talk about it. He would not reveal to me any serious information about his financial status other than that he was "in a little debt." (RED FLAG). He had two cars and always told me I could have one when I moved, but when I pressed him about it, he told me I could take the bus, he was selling the car (RED FLAG). I have a lot of school debt, and debt from a serious health condition from being in the hospital. If I had taken that job, I would have not been able to pay my debts and still live. When I told my job here I was quitting, they gave me a promotion and raised my salary to the point I would be making over triple what I would have made if I moved. It was the hardest decision, but I knew I could not take that job. I said I had to stay, pay off my debts, and move in six months. I told him I would keep working on getting a job in my industry, and take whatever offer I got next. He started to devalue me like no other. I had whiplash from him turning into this cruel man that would ignore me and punish with silent treatment. After 3.5 years, he left last November saying he needed time to figure things out, because he was so mad I didn't take that job. It was like death. I told him if he moved here, I would financially support him until he got work. He refused saying his industry doesn't exist here (Um, it does, he did it before when he was my manager. Also, he works for a global company so could easily put in for a transfer). I got another offer for the same job in December, I said I wanted to take it. That I had made the worst decision not going and being with him was my priority. He said no, he didn't know if he wanted me anymore. He would hoover me telling me he loved me but why did I destroy us and I would plead for me to move. It became clear he was seeing another girl, she flirted with him online blatantly. He maintained she was just a friend (but she was referring to him as her sweetheart). They spent the holidays together, everything.

He came back into my town in January and I hadn't figured out he was a narc, so didn't know about the supply. I assumed he wanted to be with me again, since it is what he told me. We were back together, but never close again. He acted horribly to me once he returned home. The devaluing was crazy, looking back at all the texts from January until now, I don't know what I was thinking not pulling the plug myself. Instead, I was bending over backwards trying to be better, skinnier, funnier, perfect, more loving. I lost 20 lbs from the stress, started taking valium because I felt like my world was imploding. It was clear that his OW was still there, and the flirting and amount of things they were doing together were getting more intense. He didn't care it upset me. I would buy tickets to go see him, and then the week of the trip, he would make me cancel because "something came up." He would fly back here, but I bought his tickets. I took us on vacation. I paid for all the meals and activities whenever we were together. He told me moving wouldn't help anything anymore, yet still punished me almost daily for not taking the job last year. He would ignore calls. He always was MIA on sundays. He would verbally tell me he loved me, but wouldn't do anything else affectionate. Gone were the sweet texts and cards and letters and gifts. I broke my ankle and called him from the hospital, he ignored it and had no empathy when he finally called me two days later. I had strep with a fever of 104 and called to tell him and he yelled at me for wanting to talk. I had to get a heart procedure done, and he yelled at me and made me cry because how upset he was about it and how it was my fault he couldn't focus at work. He never asked how my recovery was. It finally came to a head a month ago when I saw on social media that he told the OW he loved her. I confronted him calmly to see his reaction...he told me he didn't know what I was talking about, that he was having a life crisis and that he didn't know what was wrong with him. He hung up and has never contacted me again. He defriended me on FB, I figured then our relationship was over. He has only hoovered once, a week after, he sent an email with a photo of me, and the subject was "X" (which I don't know if he meant it like 'hug' or 'ex'). From stalking him twice online, I see the OW is now his official GF, and he refers to her as "mine" to which she says "yours." They have their cutesy little inside jokes, vomit. I contacted him to say his brother could come get his things or they were going out, and said that years together couldn't just end in silence. I got no response. I knew he was a cheater. I should have paid attention. I tell myself the OW doesn't have it any better; he was cheating on her with me. I logically know he is very bad and psychologically ill, yet I STILL wonder if I had moved out last year, if everything would have been "perfect." Maaaaaybe he wouldn't have cheated. Maybe I drove him to it. Maybe I was too focused on a career. Maybe I cared about paying off debt too much (lol). So, he's gone, vanished. And I sit here wondering how that man who loved the crap out of me could have an affair, lead a double life and then walk away as if years together were nothing.