Sue07's Story

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#1 Jun 15 - 8AM
Sue07
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Sue07's Story

Really a NARC or just a major macho-asshole who drinks a lot?

well then again, NARCS ARE major assholes....

So, this is my story.

I live in Europe,was married to an American. Short marriage, and the best thing he ever did, was leaving on my birthday in 2011. It hurt (the whole marriage was a disaster), but I never heard from him again, and that´s perfect.

Still going through grief, my best friend and I decided to spend New Years in a different country where her boyfriend lives (nice guy). We flew and it felt like I left all the bad things that happened between me and my husband plus the "getting over the separation" behind me. My friend´s boyfriend told his friend (the Narc)about me and that I´d be the perfect woman for him (how could he know, what kind of person his friend was/is; behind this facade).

So we land, and both of them picked us up. I see this tall man, but the look: not my type. So we drive to my friend´s house, and talked a little. Then N asked me if I was interested in driving around a little on his bike, he´d show me his city. Yes, why not. Driving around, stopping here and there, and stopping at a bar (nighttime). OK, everybody knew him in this bar and he got drinks for free. Outside the bar, he looked at me saying that he doesn´t care about anything, and that there is only one woman in his heart: Mary. That is was over, but he couldn´t forget her. I see. I gave him the answer that I don´t care about anything either.Later we sat on a bench, him asking me "why do feel so attracted to you"? I don´t know.

We drove back, and "landed" in bed ending up having sex. Not making love - having sex. It was a little rough and had nothing to do with "nice". Next morning we sat on the bed, him telling me, that from now on I´m his woman (macho, I thought). He´d leave now, cause he has to go to see his lil daughter, he´d be back in 2 hours.

I forgot to mention that he spent many nights on his friend´s couch, cause him and his Ex who still live together are seperated. That´s what he told me, that´s how he fooled his friend. Separated my ass!

So he came back (5 hrs later), he saw me and asked: Do we know each other? In front of everybody. I said, "I don´t remember".

So the NY party was OK, I met some nice people and him and I talked a little. Next day my friend and I left, and I got a text from him "bye, heartquake". (No, he didn´t come with us to the airport: He had things to do). I told him before, I could stay 1 more week if he wanted me to. He said NO, cause he would feel bad cause he couldn´t pay for anything, since he doesn´t have a job and he´s low on money. No problem, I pay for hotel, etc I replied.

Anyways, text messages, phonecalls, FB, emails, Skype followed. We fell (whoops sorry, I fell) in love. He came to visit me in my hometown, and we had a blast. I ignored his heavy drinking and the fact that he said that I am "the train he jumped on". Stupid me thought he meant being in a great relationship with me, and that he found the ONE. Later I found out he meant to move out of his country, where he wouldn´t find a job, and my country offers a lot of jobs. He meant moving to my country, moving into my appartment, working... In short: He has got it made with no effort.

Later he found a job in another city in his country, and I went there EVERY weekend for 2 months to see him. In between we skyped a lot. He worked 7 days a week, not one day off, so we only had his lunch break and the nights. But it was worth it, hey I was so much in love. One day he arranged a bottle of champagne to be on my hotelbed, with a nice little note.

The weekends were great, we made love, he was caring, funny, sad everytime I had to leave. I was in heaven.

2 months later he quit his job, and he moved to my country, living with me. I found him a job 2 weeks later, took care of all the bureaucratic things, and managed everything for him to live here (among my other duties like my job), he was all set. Since I had a phone flatrate for all kind of countries and abroad, he was able to call his family, child and whoever.

Did I mention, that he told me about his bad childhood, how abusive his father was, and that his parents and him don´t get along? That I´m the one that could cure him? That I´m the love of his life?

So after a while living together, I noticed his addiction to the internet. Utube, FB, Skype. Spending hours. It was a time when I I came home, totally exhausted from work. I fell asleep on the couch many times. Once I woke up, him skyping with a friend, complaining that I was tired all the time!!!! Huh???? Complaining??? I asked him, why he was complaining to another person. He sat down next to me and said: If you keep being this tired,I don´t wanna be with you anymore. You keep forgetting things. You need to find another job, which doesn´t exhaust you that much!!!

WOW, how caring!!! Did I hear that right? He doesn´t wanna be with me anymore, cause I´m tired "all the time"??? And he continued with "would u wanna be with me, if I was tired all the time?". YES, I wouldn´t care, cause I love you! YEA RIGHT, he says! I felt really sad.

And this is how it all started with the emotional rollercoaster.

Every day he told me, how much he misses his daughter. Everyday he came come from work with a cold face, giving me that blank expression with a "HI". Both of us sitting in the kitchen, talking how our day was (whoops, him talking about his day). He gave me about 2 minutes of him listening. Inn betweenn those 2 minutes, I was permanently interrupted. When I forgot, what I was gonna say I was considered oblivios. One day I was at the supermarked, calling him up, telling him, that I´m coming home with a nice bottle of whine, cause we have to celebrate something when he comes home from work(I really don´t remember what that was), and he said he was home. Home? You´re supposed to be at work. They fired him he said. WHAT??? WHY??? My thoughts that moment I can´t even describe! I went home immediately, he was looking very down. I tried to give him this good feeling of "doesn´t matter, don´t worry, etc". He told me how it happened and what went wrong. Very serious talk. All of a sudden, he looked at me and said: IT WAS A JOKE!!!

A JOKE??? I was very worried, ASSHOLE!!!

It was the time when I started becoming very unhappy in this relationship. I told him. Crying. He stood in front of me and said, that in his country not being happy would mean "break up". Huh? well, in my country it means: NOT HAPPY, we need to change something! The only thing he said he was worried about now, when we break up, he would have no place to stay and that he was afraid that he had to go back to his country....

One day we got in an argument, I screamed in a way I didn´t even recognize who I was, I wanted him to leave me alone. He kept running after me and totally ignored me beggiing him to leave me alone. I was beside myself with this anger, grief, rage, tears. He kept trying to provoke me, and it worked. And then....he pushed me into a chair and choked me. My ex husband did that too, and N knew that. I kicked N with my feet in his knees, than he stopped, calling me a bitch. Here I was, shattered!!!

I went to bed, him on the couch. Next day he left for work, me pretending to be asleep. I called in sick. The whole day crying, asking myself did I provoke him? Did I really cause his freak-out? He came home from work, standing there: AND, how do you feel, he asked in such a cold way. Well, how do you think I feel, when the man I love chokes me, I replied. "Oh, c´mon, choking, you should think about your behavior towards me". I didn´t say anything anymore. Was that him or the devil?

You know, why I stayed with him? HOPE!!! And not taking myself important anymore (now crying again)

He had a job, where it was OK to take a week off once in a while, so he could fly back home to see his daughter. He did that many times, and never asked me to go with him. NEVER! (I only was "allowed" to come to his city once in the very beginning).When I asked him why he wouldn´t let me go with him he always had squishy excuses.

His so called "ex" the mother of his daughter was still living in the house. Oh, and his ex was STUPID, VICIOUS, A BITCH (his words). During their 10 year relationship he had several affairs (red flag). He even broke up with his ex once to bbe with another woman for 2 years. Of course he told me, that this woman casted a spell on him, and he was addicted to her. But then she cheated on him and HE (yea,right)broke up with her. I wonder why this woman left the country back then.

So after that break up, he told me he went through a shitty time with drugs and drinking. But one day he realized, he wanted back the ex he left before for this woman who left the country. They got back together and she got pregnant. My question to him was, why stay with a woman, who is allegedly stupid, etc. His answer: I could only take her because I was drunk so often, but I stayed with her to give the little one a family. OOOOHHH, isn´that just caring and unselfish! Drunk father all the time, out with his friends all the time, arguing with her in front of the kid (of course it was her fault). Not to mention those affairs in between. Why she stayed with him for so long, I don´t know, but that´s none of my business.

When he was still living here, they talked/argued on the phone every 2 days. Later I found out that they were never seperated, that he told her, he was living with friends and that he lives in a foreign country to make money so he could support his child.

Btw, he told everybody the same story.

Our one year anniversary: I fixed a beautiful breakfast table and bought opera tickets (he mentioned one day, he loves opera). Him? he woke up "happy 1 year anniversary, I got to buy my Baby a rose". Late afternoon, I asked him about my rose (him already sitting in front of the computer for hours). "Oh, I forgot". Let me tell you, no man "forgets" to buy a rose. They just decide NOT TO.

I had this cheese cutter, he loved it, and said it would be a great thing to buy for his cousin. Next minute I find myself in front of the pc buying it online. I told him to give it to his cousin with my regards. He went to see his daughter again,came back, and I asked him how his cousin liked the cutter. Oh, he couldn´t reach his cousin, so he gave it to someone else!!! Excuse me, I have to puke right now!..... OK I´m back

We BBQ´d on my terrace. Nice, funny, getting along.
He said it´s great to be here, he´s here just because of me, abandoning his child, cause he loves me so much. A few glasses of Jim Beam later, he told me the only reason he´s here, is because of his daughter tto make money to support her...

Facts:
He kept teasing me about my ex husband (why I was with a man like this, not good looking)

He started a fight, cause I wanted to lock a hotel room door. Out of nothing

He told me I became boring (I didn´t want to go out with him as often anymore, cause either he was already drunk whenn he wanted to go out, or he was going to get drunk)

He wanted to bring his so called EX and his daughter to my city and find THEM a place to live. So his daughter could be with mother and daughter and his daughter would have a "good" country to live in. Of course he decided, I wasn´t asked.
Today I know, he wanted to move out here, live with them and keep me as his affair. I´ve been told.

HOW DO I SHORTEN THIS "MY STORY". I can´t, it feels so good to write everything down.

He wanted to talk about us, he said. We talk, no wait, he talked, then it was my turn. While I talked I started crying. He got up, telling me to stop it, all bullshhit. Why don´t I watch a little TV, that would take my mind off things. Me begging him to continue our "talk" he turned his back on me and mentioned casually that him and a few coworkers are gonna meet, and that he´s already late. Him getting dressed I asked him to stay. NOPE. We talk later....

I texted him that there will be no "talk later", he can come tomorrow to pick up his things. I put ALL his things in binbags and brought them down to the basement. No answer to my text. I know he read it. He literally wore his cell at his balls.

Everyone here knows about how those Narcs can hurt you, that´s why I don´t mention anymore,how all this made me feel.

What can I say, he texted me hours later "can I come home?". NO. There he was in the midde of the night banging at the door. I told him to get the fuck away, to find another place to stay. Kept banging. Call police? No, I feared doing that. I let him in. Went back to sleep. Next day he asked about his clothes. He got them out of the basement, put everything back. Of course telling me how stupid I was, that I´m a bitch, etc

X mas time: On the way to see my parents. 6 hour drive. Highway, we got lost. GPS didn´t work right. No wait, I was the stupid one who didn´t know how to handle a GPS. Arguing. Me looking out of the window, crying. Hurt. Hearing him saying, if I keep behaving like this, we will go back.

Did I mention that we planned on going to spend x mas at my parents. All was set, and my mom was looking forward to see us (me, she never really liked him). So, again, all was SET. 3 days before leaving, we got in an arguement again. A day later I wanted to find something in the internet, couldn´t find the site again, and looked in the history. There was a site, where u find cheap tickets. Huh? I click it. He was looking for tickets for himself to go back home for christmas. Exact the dates we wanted to go and see my family. Ok,breathe, calm down...

I asked him. "Oh no, I was just looking how expensive tickets would be". YEP !!! Later he told me that he was planning on going without telling me, but the tickets were too expensive.

I was empty, numb, not myself anymore. I let things slide. I was in a depression, I guess.

3 months later, I took so much of his shit, that I was actually happy that he flew back home to see his daughter. No more sadness that he was leaving. He told me an hour before we left for the airport, that I couldn´t wait for him to leave, huh? I said, NOOOOOOO. And it felt good to lie right in his visage!

I wonder why he talked bad about my friends and my ex boyfriends (with some of them I was still friends). But this didn´t work. NO ONE talks bad about my friends.

So, him gone, I felt freedom and peace. I didn´t care whether he landed good or bad. I didn´t give a flying fuck about text messages nice or mean. Nothing I was "dead" inside.

3 days later he calles me. He was laying on the street. A car hit him on his bike. Noise level, ambulance, police, people. Yes, I felt worry, but not as strong as a woman who´s in love would feel. He spent 2 months in hospital. Back surgery. While this time him being in hospital, my fucked soul was reshaping. Why didn´t I go and see him ?? Why should I, he never asked or even mentioned that he wished I was there. And his family and the doctors took good care of him. He sent me pics of his back, broken knees, bruises, etc. We emailed back and forth. Then I didn´t hear from him for 2 days. I asked about this "game" hhe´s playing now ( I knew he wasn´t dead), and he mailed me thatt he sent me a text saying: "I make you suffer too much, I will leave you alone". well, I never got that text,but OK. I wrote him a very long email about ALL my feelings. You know how women write things...

Not only that I had allowed himm to treat me like this the whole time, now I also had too cope with this seperation. I got myself a new cell phone and landline number, destroyed the sim card of the cell I used to text him (prepaid), blocked him in my email account. Deregistered him from my appartement. Since I had 3 email addresses at that time, he managed to write to all of them, and I saw that the "blocking" has only worked for 1 of them.

After 3 weeks NC I felt much better. UNTIL.... I found 3 Mails he sent in the SPAM. Shall I continue?

We got back together. We talked, he said he regrets everything he´s done to me. He was so stupid, he gave up drinking. I am THE ONE, he will never treat me bad again. After his accident he showed up in my city, we took a nice trip out of town. He said he wants to live with me, he´d find a nice place for us... Bla, bla, bla. He went back home, meanwhile his father died. I felt very sorry for him and supported him with caring phonecalls etc. (we remember, the same father who abused him all those years).

After a while he got the insurance money (accident), and he paid for me to come down to see him. His ex moved out of the house and we were "happyly" back together. He introduced me to his friends and his family. We remember, I was the hidden affair the whole time.

And then, it began again.

He yelled at me, he decided what to do, in between very loving again, he threw the garbage bag in front of my feet, new years at his friends house he just stood up and left ( I found him later at another friends house next door, drunk), he told me I wasn´t as wild anymore (bed wise)- then he said that he didn´t mean it, it was a joke - subtle negative comments about my looks, 2 minutes later compliments, he told everybody (when I was around) how wonderful and smart I am...

He didn´t mind drinking his ass off in front of me, he didn´t mind telling me we would spend the summertime on "his" island and 2 days later he decided we would spend summertime in the US with his friends, or maybe Maldive Islands. All fuzzy and foggy. And I found myself trapped again in that "something does not feel right" thing. I felt insecure. I didn´t trust him at all, I wasn´t even sure whether I still loved him.

I went back home. He suggested to quit my job and come back to live with him! Live with a man who treats me like that, who talks to his ex all the time on the phone, yelling at her. Live with a man who broke his arm punshing a wall cause he got so pissed at his ex, live with a man who yells at me in front of his friends, a man who changes from being nice to icecold within hours, a man who tells me how good I make him feel but who doesn´t care how he makes me feel?

Paying for the tickets for me to fly down, paying for the food, etc, gives him the right to trample on my feelings?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Me back home, I noticed his AGAIN changing and asshole behavior towards me again. Of course, he denied that, of course it was me who was interpreting things wrong, and I was the one that caused the confusion in my brain. He told me all that, after I opened myself again, telling him how shitty and sad I felt (email, cause talking wasn´t possible as it was blockd with e.g. "not again", "BS", "ya, you´re always right" etc.).
In this email I broke up with him. Writing nice and understandable.

Why I broke up? He asked me in a text, what was wrong with you last night on the phone. I wrote back FACTS, 3 things that really bothered me. Next day he called me, as if nothing ever happened,he did his one-sided-small-talk-masterbation, in short: He talked about his issues, his plans, him, him, him. Then he asked me how I was. Well, I sent u a text. "Oh yes, BEAUUUUUUUTIFUL, beautiful long text". Full parody!!! We hung up after that. When I came home from work, I called him at home. Noone there. I used to call him on his cell when he wasn´t home, but I´ve giiven up on that. Either he´s home, or not. I not the puppy doog that runs after him anymore. If he doesn´t call back by 22h, I shut off the phones. I did that cause he´d call in the middle of the night, not caring that I had to get up early for work next morning.

He didn´t understand ANYTHING I wrote inn this earlier mentioned break-up-mail. He had nothing else to do but writing the most arrogant and lecturing email back, I have ever seen in my life. Full of accusations. JUST SASSY. That email did it. My decision of NC!!!

I answered calm to his mail, but after that I blocked him. Again destroyed the sim card. I didn´t have to change my cell phone nr again, cause I always made him think, that the prepaid phone I have would be the ONLY cell phone number I had. I never gave him my "real" cell phone number again. And I sure know why.

Did I mention that after HE decided that we will spend summertime in the States, 3 weeks later, he told me he wanted to travel to the States in about a week? He wants me to go with him, but he knows I have to work!! Ha,ha!!! When I told him to do so, I guess I didn´t care anymore, he told me how bad he would feel about that. YOU FEEL BAD??? YOU DON`T EVEN KNOW HOW TO FEEL BAD??? Just my thoughts....

Did I mention, that he talks bad about his family and "friends". But smiles at their face, when he´s with them?

I think after 4 weeks of NC he realized, that I was serious. He had people calling me, his friend wrote me, that he´s very upset cause I would not contact him (the friend who brought us together). The thing is, if I was the one who´s so important to him, he would have been here within the next days after my mail. But it´s only about him wanting me to polish his ego.

How can the one, who always accepted his negative behavior treatt him like that now? Now u know how it feels to be ignored, dude! But that´s ot the reason for NC of course. I ust want to heal. And that´s harder than I thought it would be. Especially, when he sends the most beautiful rose bouquet to my workplace..

After 6 weeks of NC.

I was doing OK, till those flowers. A little card that said "Just can´t forget about....".

Can u actually believe that I felt so bad, after writing him that they don´t mean shit?

To make myself feel better, I wrote him a long email. Letting go of my anger. It doesnn´t matter, if he understood, it just mattered that I had to let off steam.

I eat again, I go out again. I laugh again. But there is always that "I can´t believe, he is one of those Narcs" thought. I didn´t get it yet.

Jun 16 - 2PM
Journey
Journey's picture

He sounds completely

Journey on...

Jun 15 - 8AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Welcome to Narcvile .,Is he

Jun 15 - 8AM (Reply to #2)
Sue07
Sue07's picture

Thanks for the welcome to Narcville

Jun 15 - 8AM (Reply to #3)
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Then Sue ... FIX IT! We can