GettingBackTo M's story

7 posts / 0 new
Last post
#1 Jun 13 - 10AM
GettingBackTo M
GettingBackTo M's picture

GettingBackTo M's story

Spring 2006 is when this began. Friends and colleagues at work talked about a new guy that had started; he had the same hobby as me! I had to meet him, they told me. When I did, I had high expectations. But he was disappointing. He looked a little odd, he stood like a statue simply staring at me. He said hello and nothing more. I was slightly bemused, but he stuck in my head. Over the months I worked with him occasionally. I paid him little attention. I was my usual self, cheerful, laughing often, and silly. Sometimes I just jump up and down or dance on the spot or get super excited about things. A bit eccentric maybe, but silly.
Guess what? As time went on I noticed he was silly too! Well wow! he was just like me, how had I not noticed this before? We grew closer, started flirting. I couldn't help it. He was like no one I ever met. I forgot all about the man I originally thought was a bit odd. My closest friend noticed our 'connection' and I realised I was thinking about him all the time, exercising more and more, trying to get fitter to impress him.
Fast forward to 2007. The turning point. We exchanged phone numbers and arranged to meet out of work. For 8 months we pursued our 'hobby' once or twice a week. I saw him at work. He bombarded me with texts (I barely used my mobile phone before him) phoned me, emailed me and turned up at my house usually with one or other of his children randomly in the evenings, for ridiculous, seemingly trivial reasons.
He copied me (got the same computer as me, even had his kitchen decorated like mine) I was thoroughly saturated by him, and falling fast. I couldn't believe this man was so obsessed with me. Well that's how it felt.
But I was married and so was he, and I was torn apart inside. I loved my husband and still do and vowed I would never do anything to hurt him. I thought my N was exactly the same. He hinted at his feelings, told me I was his soulmate, described imaginary scenarios where we would do things together, set up businesses, live in another country, but we never actually SAID what we felt inside. Everything was hinted at. Smoke and mirrors.
He talked about his wife a lot. Talked about himself a lot too. He said he idolised his wife, put her on a pedestal. Other times he would pull her down for not supporting one of his ventures. He was impulsive, dramatic, exciting, dangerous...and paradoxically, safe. I could fall for him but in secret. We clearly wanted to be with each other, yet it was just like a courtly romance - He was moral and good and our feelings stayed unmentioned. What a truly wonderful man!
I could put up with him going dark, not texting me for a couple of weeks without saying anything. He was obviously torn apart like me. I brushed aside his strange half text that seemed to be for someone else. (I know now, it was) His phone call from another country telling me his wife thought he was still in the UK and laughing because he thought it was funny, oh and that he once told me he was a lizard, or that he preferred machines to humans. I missed those red flags.
Just over a year later came the first silent treatment. He asked me, by email what I thought of a project he was working on, and sent me it. I thought it needed work so I told him very nicely. He told me never to text or email again. Simple as that.
I was reeling, I didn't understand, I was hooked in, but I didn't contact him. A month or so he turned up at my office with his daughter. I could hardly ignore him. And so we were back in contact. The hints of his feelings towards me grew stronger, and so did mine to him, yet looking back I think I made it obvious. But he left his job to go freelance and started to work hundreds of miles away from home. He was making more money...lots of money but complaining about how hard his life was, yet he used the money to buy himself toys. Motorbikes, expensive sports equipment. He bragged about the money, about how much he had spent on his wife's cosmetic surgery. Most people who knew him thought he was shallow and materialistic (red flag) but I knew different. I knew the real him didn't I?
He continued to go dark on me, not texting for days, weeks on end. Meanwhile I was getting more screwed up inside, drinking more and making mistakes at work. I couldn't understand what was happening to me. I was obsessed by this man. Yet now I barely saw him and our relationship was conducting mainly by text. Yet he got jealous too, if he knew I was out with friends he would text me like crazy. Disrupting my night and making me feel bad, then I wouldn't hear from him for a while.
Then, a couple of years in, he sent me a song that described his feelings. (I was away for the weekend with my husband and friends) it was very romantic and I could no longer fool myself. I reciprocated, but I backtracked saying that we were both married and wouldn't leave our partners. I was still convinced he was a naive inexperienced man that had found his true love too late (at least THAT is how he came across)
We started sending flirtatious texts. Nothing rude. Just flirting. He would say things like he would like to dream of me, if I would let him. And that the spark between us would cause a fire that would burn brighter that anything we could imagine. So sweet, so charming. You get the picture.
All this time my husband knew something wasn't right but he was patient with me. He knew the N had something to do with it. Meanwhile my health was getting worse, and the devaluing started. Very very subtle. He bought his wife a sports car and showed me a photo of it.. He told me how beautiful she was. Then he told me by email his phone wasn't working and he was going away the next day. I rang it from work. He answered. I hung up.
Another time he pretended to be his secretary (he doesn't have one) and said I couldn't text him, then gave me the silent treatment for 3 months. I raged at him, by text, by voicemail, but nothing. I went to my GP's. By this time I was having health problems that needed medical treatment. My GP was wonderful and after eliminating other factors he asked me if I was under any emotional stress.I was reluctant to say, but after a bit of gently coaxing I told him everything. His conclusion was obvious. This friendship was causing the problem. He was blunt. This man, this N, was using me to boost his ego. I wouldn't listen though. I didn't want to hear it.
After 4 months the N popped up again as if nothing had happened. I had learned not to question him by this point and he never ever apologised but sent vague texts saying 'there are some things I need to explain' but he never did. He was sweetness itself for a few months then we fell out again...this time he said he may have cancer (by text). He didn't, of course. But each time he came back, he came back stronger. By summer 2011 our texts had moved from flirtatious to down right erotic. Hot, I suppose. I am so ashamed of this, it is difficult even now to write it down. I feel terrible for betraying my husband in this way, but the N had hooked me in so deeply. At one point I got uncomfortable about the texts, he demanded that I 'bombard' him with them. It felt like a sort of abuse even by text...how can that be?
During this time he told me lots of secrets about himself and his past. I was shocked and felt I was being dragged deeper into a place I didn't want to be. It explained his behaviour, but still I cared about him. We were struggling with our feelings about each other weren't we? This was new to us both wasn't it?
Well no.
Once again in a late night erotic text frenzy (we sent 153 in 3 hours - and yes, I counted) he told me of the affair that he had a decade earlier, how he tried to get over it by screwing two other women at the same time... How he tried to kill himself. How he told his wife he didn't trust anyone including her, and he didn't believe in love. And I was shocked, felt my world falling apart again, I was crying and texting that I would never hurt him. He told me he didn't want to hurt me; that I was 'so naive, so good' then immediately texted: 'that second one, she was very good. I could have married her'
And he said that I sounded emotional when I texted him saying I didn't want to hear that and please not to text these things!!
After that he went quiet for a while, I had my own problems with a family tragedy. He wasn't interested, or supportive. I couldn't cope. I was on Valium at this point and I was a mess. I texted him 5 long texts telling him my feelings trying to end it, then retracting. He ignored them all. A couple of weeks later he freelanced at my workplace and when I saw him he sent me a text. 'you look great' and then 'we say so many things by text don't we? yet it is not real. We would not say these things face to face would we?'
I was determined to talk to him. To tell him I did mean the things I said and I thought he did too. I went to his office. His face was full of compassion as I explained about the family problems, about my head being a mess. He stroked my arm we held each other and kissed for the first and only time. He told me he had wanted to do this for so long. I was ecstatic, elated, and I was full of pent up passion, but I had to get back to my office. Afterwards he texted and said I was very dangerous to him. I told him I would never forget that kiss and that he could resist me, it was me that couldn't resist him.
A week later that text was thrown back at me. He texted one day from work. (my workplace. He was home and freelancing again) His daughter had found that text, and his wife was going mad, she was checking his phone bills and was going home to her mother's. And it was my fault! We could not text anymore.
My world fell apart, I felt sick and terrified. It hit me smack in the face what I could lose. My husband. But I still couldn't let him carry the can alone. I rang him, wanting to know what was going on. I said I would tell my husband, it was only one kiss after all. 'No' he told me. He would sort it. And within 15 minutes his wife had apparently changed her mind and forgiven him. But...he could not contact me ever again. I was furious, devastated, relieved, all rolled into one. And realise the extent of his lies and how much he could hurt me. Apparently in less that 3/4 of an hour, his wife had found texts, but let him keep the phone, texts still on the phone, let go him go work (where she knows I work) and he had resolved the whole thing with her over the phone at work despite the fact he was busy. I knew he was lying.
I was going to be working abroad for a year and was leaving in a couple of weeks. I look back now and wonder if this was his punishment for me leaving? (Because the next time he contacted me was a year later when he knew I was back)
I hid my tears from my husband that night, but held him tight. Vowing I would love and value him like I should have done all along. I went away two weeks later, and that probably saved me. I had a mini breakdown a couple of months in, but gradually built myself back up. My husband and I phoned and texted a lot (and they were lovely texts) and I saw him once a month. It revitalised our relationship. But I still thought of the N. I texted a month after his last text, sent a happy New Year message. Then he changed his number. My heart flipped, but I found him on FB and was surprised to see he kept my friend request. I retracted it and secretly stalked him.
But I was trying to convince myself I was over him. And actually, come Autumn last year I was actually getting there. So when he sent me a message through FB, I thought I could just be friends, that I could handle it. I had started to read a lot about Narcissism and knew that's what he was. I will never forget the sheer heart-numbing shock I felt when I realised he ticked all the boxes. It still didn't stop me though. I thought knowing would protect me. And for a while it worked. I gave him my phone number again and we texted. But I never chased him. I let him text me first.
I was still angry at how he treated me and was biding my time until we met so that I could confront him. But slowly I got hooked back in. He said I was 'some kind of witch' telling me I had him in my spell and that he would never be free of me (projecting) I thought I was wise to it but I still craved his texts. He came to see me in February this year and I kept my distance. I know something could have happened, the tension in the air was almost palpable, but I was wise to him. I wasn't going to cheat in my own house. He came the next day unexpectedly, but I ignored him and told him later, by text, that I was out. I guess he must have known because he gave me the ST for over a month.
But after that he persisted in his texts, flattering me then pulling back. But I was in control wasn't I? Of course not. We were friends on FB at this time, and I stalked him like crazy, he was flirting with countless women, (this is a man that once looked me straight in the eyes and said 'I never flirt') he had over 1000 friends (most of whom he didn't know) God knows how many women he was messaging. I was making myself Ill. But I was also learning about the real N - so different from the man that pursued me in those early days.
Then one night I got drunk. I was happy, excited, things at work were going my way, I wanted to share the love. So we texted, I flirted. He told me he loved me 'so much it was crazy.' That was all it took. The words I had once longed to hear. The texts were hotter than ever. The next day I was filled with regret and anger at myself. If I wasn't drunk I wouldn't have texted. Then I looked on FB - to find that after he texted me he put photos of him and his wife up, and got lots of comments about 'true love.' I felt sick, but it was the break I needed. For a long time I had been trying to slowly, carefully, move away, I didn't want to rock the boat and I didn't want to go through the pain of a discard like that of the previous year. I texted him to tell him how much in love he looked with his wife. That I would never want to destroy that. That we shouldn't have texted those things. Initially he panicked, telling me he liked them that she would never text him those things and that he needed my texts (not me) I stayed strong, said we were good friends. He went quiet for a couple of days saying a close friend of his had been killed. (but he was flirting with women on FB and generally not acting like someone who was upset at all) I blocked him. He bounced back saying he 'felt a little better' and 'thanks for your support' I was friendly but kept to my line. That we should delete our texts and be friends only. I knew he would want to stay in control and punish me with ST and he did. He told me were friends, but he couldn't text me for a while. Adding; 'I know you understand' I texted back: 'of course x'
And that was it. Ended. By me, but he thinks it's by him. Which is what I wanted. I changed my phone, kept him blocked and blocked his email address. This was well over a month ago and I'm not going back. It took me a long long time to get it right. Yes I miss him (the wonderful fantasy of the him I thought I knew) But I'm learning how to deal with that, and I'm learning about me, too. Why I fell in the first place.
Meanwhile. I value my husband and love him dearly. I am lucky I know, and I feel disgusted in my behaviour. But every day I look at my husband I know I am looking at a normal man. A man who loves me. Who wants me to be happy. If my exN has taught me anything, he has taught me to recognise what is wonderful about just being normal.

Jun 15 - 6PM
ziggy
ziggy's picture

One thing that struck me

Jun 18 - 3AM (Reply to #6)
GettingBackTo M
GettingBackTo M's picture

Ziggy

Jun 13 - 7PM
Journey
Journey's picture

I'm glad you decided to post

Journey on...

Jun 14 - 3AM (Reply to #4)
GettingBackTo M
GettingBackTo M's picture

Giving the narc so much power

Jun 13 - 10AM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Welcome to

Jun 14 - 4AM (Reply to #2)
GettingBackTo M
GettingBackTo M's picture

Read, read, read