Ellie Ray's Story

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#1 Jun 6 - 7PM
Ellie Ray
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Ellie Ray's Story

Hi my name is Emily and this is my story. I wish I could say it was significantly different than every other story on here, but as you already know it’s ultimately the same. We met two years ago at a bar. I saw him from across the place, a distance away and we just connected. I felt like I knew him. If only I knew then what I know now. It moved fast, he acted like he loved me and said that he loved me. It’s difficult to even write this, but I feel that it will be helpful to my healing process so I’m going to continue to try.
Everything was always magical. The way he looked at me, the way he talked to me, the way he made me laugh. I’m not going to lie, I felt I had met my dream man. That’s what they do right, make you feel like you finally found “the one.” They use everything Oprah ever taught you against you. I fell for him over heels, and quickly. So he quickly devalued and discarded me. Then once I was tossed aside and licking my wounds, if I even had the energy for that through the pain of it, he would come back like a hawk, swooping in to lift me off of my feet again, only of course to be dropped just as quickly maybe a week, maybe a month later. You never knew when it was coming. Well, eventually you did. Eventually you know not to enjoy the good times because whenever things get good that only means one thing, they are about to end, and badly. As soon as he knew he had me again, he’d toss me out like a crappy pair of shoes that broke on him. I was irrelevant all of a sudden, or fatally flawed, or boring, or picky, or demanding, or emotional, or impossible to love, or closed off, you name it, if it was bad, I was it. I have been called everything now. Words I would never want my worst enemy to be called. Names no woman on this earth deserves to be called. And I still came back. I was the person I never thought I was capable of being. I had always been the independent girl, the strong girl, the fit and pretty girl, the intellectual, the champion and defender of my best friends. Yet I had been degraded to this embarrassment of a thing all because he had somehow manipulated the strength right out of me. No one who loves you should do that. No one who loves you could do that.
We’ve broken up and gotten back together more times than anyone can count. However, you just stop caring at some point, you just stop being able to care. Once you realize not only the verbal abuse and manipulation but the sexual infidelities, you just can’t love him anymore. At least not in the same way. I can’t trust him. I can’t be intimate with him. It doesn’t feel good anymore. I can’t even lie to myself anymore because there are too many things to lie about, there’s not enough room in my subconscious to stifle all that I know at this point.
And I’m not sure why but for some reason this time, after almost two years of heaven and hell, after waking up and not feeling so bad about the fact that he hasn’t called or that he’s moved onto his newest conquest, I keep thinking of his baby picture. Not a baby picture so much but this one picture his mom has of him when he about seven hugging his little brother. They’re on the beach. His smile is so big, and his hair is blowing in the breeze and his eyes are so bright. It’s him before he changed I think. It’s him when he was still pure. And I guess I think about that picture now, or it haunts me now, because that’s the person I hoped he was. That’s the person I thought he was when I met him and it’s the person I believed he was after discovering so many lies. It’s funny how his lies bred my lies to myself. Lies breed lies I suppose. I just wanted him to be the boy in the picture that badly. And at the end of it all, as much as I appreciate his parents for all they have done for me, I’m sad that I believe they really neglected him as a child. I think they chose money and themselves over the boy in that picture and the attention he so badly needed. I don’t get it and I never will. It’s hard for me because I’m a teacher and all I want to do is help him. All I want to do is go back in time and fix that kid. And I can’t. So a big part of this for me wasn’t accepting that this guy I loved cheated and lied over and over again. It was accepting that some people will never change, that they are rotten to the core. That’s the hardest part for me. I don’t know if I’ll ever get over him. But I know it hurts less now. I know the part of me that used to pine for him and hate myself for not being good enough, is mostly gone. It’s been replaced with strength and knowledge. I know I’m great, deep down I know it. In moments of weakness I think, “What if I were prettier, What if I were funnier, What if…” but I know I’m special and it’s just a shame that he couldn’t see that. But it’s more of a shame that he doesn’t know how damn special he is, and he never will.

Jun 7 - 7PM
murphyagnes (not verified)
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Constantly Breaking Up

Jun 7 - 7PM (Reply to #12)
Ellie Ray
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Thank you for sharing that

Jun 9 - 7AM (Reply to #13)
murphyagnes (not verified)
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Friends & Mom & Family

Jun 13 - 11AM (Reply to #14)
Ellie Ray
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Murphy Agnes you're too spot on

Jun 7 - 5PM
thenewjane
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Ellie Ray

Jun 7 - 6PM (Reply to #7)
Ellie Ray
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Thank you!

Jun 7 - 6PM (Reply to #8)
thenewjane
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Yes, Ellie Ray

Jun 7 - 6PM (Reply to #9)
Ellie Ray
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Excellent

Jun 7 - 6PM (Reply to #10)
thenewjane
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Ellie Ray, YEP

Jun 7 - 5PM
Ellie Ray
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Thank you everyone :)

Jun 7 - 7AM
Janie53
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Ellie Ray

Jun 7 - 5AM
Journey
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Welcome Ellie Ray. Your story

Journey on...

Jun 6 - 8PM
Hunter
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Welcome to Narcville!! Same

Jun 7 - 9AM (Reply to #2)
spinning
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Welcome, Ellie, and

spinning