Moonwave's Story

Was he a sociopath?

Hi everyone,

I have asked this question off and on for the last two years, and am fairly stuck in my single status and ability to "move on" here. This is what happened:

Family introduces me to the nephew of close family friend. We email and Facebook, but he doesn't become interested in meeting me until I get laid off from my advertising job and post "just lost my job" on Facebook--I am devastated. He emails me about moving to his city within 24 hours--half-kidding, but seems half-serious. He flies in three months later to spend six days for Thanksgiving, we "fall in love." I think this is it. Close family friend has been planning (in her head) for us to be married for years, even though we've never met, even picked out a house, I find out later. The whole thing feels like an arranged marriage situation.

He asks me to marry him (half-joking, half serious he says) on my parents' farm our second day together. Later that day he says he wants us to have a baby, he's getting old and wants to settle down.

Okay, so here I am, a cynical girl in advertising, what am I doing believing this crap? Yet the energy is so high and beautiful, it feels almost mystical, that I go for all of this. He says we're kindred spirits, dyads, soul mates. He says he loves me. Maybe we've had past lives together.

And he even has my same spiritual interests. And I study shamanism, not always easy to find someone else who has an interest in this.

Of course, three months later, after he has asked me to look for jobs in his city and has called me every night and "seduced" me, he starts taking small things away: First, "That soulmate stuff is bullshit--stop talking about it. I don't believe in it, I don't believe in past lives and the shamanism stuff is bullshit too."

First red flag.

Then, even though he says our phone sex is "the best he's ever had" he starts backing off sexually--doesn't want to have sex with me in person even though he's achieved "ecstasy" with me. He flies in for job interviews and to see me, he plans to move here, but falls asleep on top of me as I'm getting into it, even though he's done nothing but talk about having sex with me for months, and that I'm so "hot" and "beautiful."

Second red flag.

I get a job opportunity in his city, as he's asked me to look for jobs there for months and told me all the things we'll do together when I get there. He acts as if me getting a job opportunity there is completely bizarre. I've never seen the city, I don't know him well, why would I want to move there? What if we don't like each other? etc.

Eventually, he will use the excuse of "HPV"--an STD I shared with him when we first met as a the reason he "doesn't want to have sex with me." Despite the fact that he asked his doctor about it, and his doctor laughed and said it was no big deal, despite the fact that he said it was "no big deal" leaving me feeling crushed and shamed. This basically ends our relationship.

A year later, we try it again, such is the trauma bond. This time, he asks me again to move there and look for jobs after we have a great visit together in his city. (This is so sad.) I do, and he tells me the day I get the interview "you'll chase me with a butcher knife and stalk me" and "I'm a prescription drug addict."

I feel like such a disempowered and naive a-hole in this whole thing. Last week, I had lunch with an old friend who is unfortunately now no longer a friend. She knows his aunt, as an acquaintance, but his aunt got really chummy with her, suddenly, after we split up. Apparently, the word on the street is that I'm "sybil", completely changing all the time, can't make up my mind, and that he was just a nice guy who was really into it. The whole thing is infuriating, and I called him, recited everything he did to me to back out--even though he said I had backed out--and told him he was "insane" after he denied it all to me. He told me, "I'm just a really nice guy who didn't want to hurt you. So sorry I did."

Sociopath? What is up? Any wisdom would be appreciated...

Thanks.