18 Months NC - Break Through

Hello - I am 18 months NC, and 26 months post-breakup/discard. It has been a difficult journey, but I am so glad I stuck with it. I admit there is still some pain, but very little and it is not about him. It took therapy, this site, one-on-one with Goldie, and prayer - so much prayer.

It took two years for the recognition that it was not my fault and that I made the choice not to be in the craziness. I spoke to my therapist (she is so patient and great listener), about my fear of running into him again. I have moved away and now I have a summer job near the old place. I have overcome so much emotional turmoil - family past and narc - in the past year. It was not easy. I had returned to school to find that it was not what I wanted. It reminded me of him - the subject/content was too much like him and the people in that field were callous. It was like I was captive again. I finally woke one morning and said, "No more. I am out of this." It was not easy to walk away from the program because I had invested so much, but guess what?

So many more opportunities came to my door! People fighting over me to enter their programs because I had great professional experience and talent. I felt overwhelmed by this attention. I could not believe that people saw that in me. And then I'd go to my weekly therapy session and revisit the pain (what opposite feelings in one day). I had this great validation from others and still felt this shame. I was ashamed that he'd see me or that people would say she is a quitter, etc. So, we delved into what I was really feeling - shame, emptiness, guilt, and anger. I had so much shame and guilt, but not enough anger.

Finally, I tell the therapist that I sat on the bed on the day of the discard - crying, begging, sobbing for reconciliation. He would not look at me and he was so angry and stiff with some tear coming down his eyes. Then he starts saying, "I don't hate you, I don't hate you, I don't hate you, I don't hate you." It was odd, and I now realize that he was waiting for me to completely submit. This was where I was suppose to submit and finally give him complete control. I was supposed to say, "I'll do whatever you want me to do." I KNEW, HE KNEW that was what I was supposed to say to keep the relationship, but I could not. I could not do it. I begged for us to talk and work on things...no - this was final part, that I give it all up to him and I was to verbalize it. My gut, my intuition said NO. I wasn't defiant, actually, I saw myself as a weak and stupid person for letting it all go.

That's when my therapist said, "How does that make you feel? He "offered" you everything you wanted - family and children. That's what you say you wanted most and you said, No. How do you see it now?"

That's when it clicked for me and I even said, "I'm pretty brave. It took a lot of courage to say no to what I always wanted."

I realized why he was so angry at me for months after (stalking/breaking into my house)- He DID NOT get what he wanted. I was so torn up about OW - whom he married and now has a child with - but now, I don't care. I don't care. All of my issues were mine alone and thinking about him and OW distracted me from me. I still fall into some negative thinking but I know it's because of my weight. I gained a lot of weight, and I have to deal with it now. That N is selfish, high maintenance, unstable, demanding, and weird. Those are all the words he called me - called me to damn complicated. It's fine now - I am a complex human being and I don't know who is not.

I had the courage to say no. I did not think this for two years...it took me that long to finally take the truth. My dreams and my intuition kept telling me but I ignored it, which is how I got into that whole situation in the first place. I can remember seeing him about a week or two after we started dating and feeling this punch in my gut. It was telling me - no, bad news - but I figured I did not find him so attractive at first. I distinctly remember rationalizing it away, "He is a good man. So he's not handsome, I prefer his personality." It wasn't handsomeness, it was his abusiveness and I already knew it but rationalized it away.

I know this a long post, but this feeling of freedom took 2 years! NC for 18 months - now FOREVER. We fight ourselves and we need to BELIEVE in ourselves and our self worth. It has been a long 2 years - but also a blink of an eye. I've been in the "belly of the beast," and I've survived. I have survived to realize that it was not my fault, I did not deserved it. The Creator lead me to people and this website for healing.

I have courage and so do you. This is not an easy road, but you gain so much at the end. The self reflection gives us so much insight about ourselves. I still deal with N father and brother, but I am working on boundaries and I can do this. You are strong, just as I am.

Thanks so much to the MODS and Goldie's one-on-one!! Thanks for those who are still one and shared encouraging words. I am so grateful. I also want to encourage those in the freshness of it all - it WILL pass, at its own time. Believe in yourself and it was not your fault. If it was your "fault" that you wanted out and broke up with him/her...GOOD FOR YOU. We all deserve to get to know and love ourselves first, and then decide with whom we'll share ourselves. I choose my Creator/God, first, because only God could drag my sad self around and have faith in me.

Have a good day :)