sillylilvixen's story

Left feeling ashamed in the end.

Long story short, I was with a narcissist for 4 years. He broke things off last night. I was doing some research online about emotional abuse a month ago when I found several websites, including this one, that described both he and I perfectly. I was stunned. I have never found something that so perfectly described what I have gone through with him. I read for hours and realized there was no hope for what I was trying to salvage, but I still didn't leave him and I didn't dare tell him what I thought was wrong with him. He would have only raged and blamed me for it.
I am ashamed of what I've allowed myself to be put through. I'm ashamed that I didn't have the strength to leave him the first time he did me wrong. In short, a few months after I began seeing him, he admitted to cheating on me. I let it go until months later I found out that what he admitted wasn't the full truth. He told me he had only slept with her once, but he had truly slept with he numerous times. I should have left then, but we still in the gaslighting phase.
A few months after that I found out that he was carrying on a long distance relationship with another woman right in front of me. He wasn't sorry when I confronted him, he only raged and asked me, "Why did I have to ruin that for him?" But still I stayed.
At this point his abuse was becoming more and more frequent. He often acted ashamed of me and kept our relationship a secret. His rages became more and more frequent. If I ever argued back, he would rage harder. During his fits of rage he has put his hands around my throat and said horrible things to me. Insults that not even my enemy could come up with. He rarely apologized, he would just say that if I hadn't have made him angry then these things wouldn't happen. When I cried he would patronize me. I eventually found myself apologizing for things that weren't my fault or things that I had no control over, but the apologies didn't stop him, tears didn't stop him. He would keep going and tearing me apart until he was satisfied.
He admitted to having a temper problem but just blamed me for it. He has reduced my self confidence down to nothing. I'm not the same person that I used to be. He was truly lucky to have a girl like me, but it does hurt to know that he is choosing to toss a girl like me away.
This is a very condensed version of our relationship of course, but I'm here sharing my story because I need to find the strength to be done once and for all. I need a man who appreciates me, I just need to get over my N first.