Yourtheoneforme's Story

Got it both ways!!

Hi, I am sure I will be berated for what I am about to write, but I desperately need to get this all out to people who will understand me.

Mine is a forbidden story, me, co-worker,and both married, but first I will talk about my marriage.

I was very young when I married, I knew my husband was at least very insecure, jealous, opinionated, but always passed it off as 'that's the way he is, it's because he loves me so so much',,,,I of course was very naive, he was all I knew!

I was never allowed to go out without him, he hated me even going to work, having any friends, was even jealous of my family, he of course 'doted' on my parents outwardly, but would often say things about them which weren't nice to me.
He has never had a nice word to say about anyone!! Over the course of having three children he has gaslighted me, lied, contradicted things, and I have never had any real intimacy from him whatsoever,,,sex for him always had to be deviant in some way or another for him to enjoy it. Of course everyone else sees him as a good figure in the community, he flashes money around whilst telling me he has none, is crap with managing money. I could go on but you get the picture by now.

I have been so used to it, always knowing he wasn't quite normal, but whenever things got bad, I just put myself into my work or other hobbies and told myself I could handle it.

Fast forward to children being grown, me putting myself into my work (it was my escape),until the 'love of my life' walked in!

There was something about him which intrigued me, not particularly good looking,he was aloof sometimes hard work, secretive, evasive, but he and I kind of hit it off straight away.

He would always say that he got along with women better than men as most of his family were female,,that's okay I thought, I get along well with men easily, not a problem.

The more we talked, the more I found I was intrigued with him, but yet always felt that feeling 'something amiss' but could never work out what it was.
He did seem to get close to someone in particular, adn then to someone else after her,,,,,,,never really bothered me,after all, he got along well with women?

Then he seemd to latch on to me, started helping me out with work, saying nice things to me, following me around, naturally we became closer.

Looking back now, he did ask questions about my finances, listened and took on board every little detail about me, and hung onto every word.

He was anbivalent though, he would be all over me one minute, and then seem to back off a bit, I was confused to hell, knowing he was very attracted to me, but then wasn't sure if he was just 'in awe' of me.

One thing for sure though was that he seemd to be wanting to be near me ALL the time.

Then one day it happened, against all mmy morals and beliefs, we kissed, a stolen kiss which was inevitable, and it was like watching a movie in slow motion.

By that time I was so hooked on him that I didn't care any more. I was crazy about him, and his actions and words told me he was crazy about me too.

It wasn't long before things started to change though, from being totally obsessive about me, wanting ocntact all the time, he went to being 'just friendly' even his sentences would switch, I would just look at him with a dumb expression wondering what the hell just happened!

He would be texting me and wanting to call me every spare minute he got, but as soon as we became real lovers, it was as though he had turned a light out.

I then found out there was another one, and my whole world fell away from me! I can't describe the hurt I felt, I have never felt pain like it before in my life.

I ended it of course, but he would never leave me alone, swearign that I was wrong, that I was the love of his life, he couldn't, just couldn't live without me, so I like a fool gave in, let him back in, and for a while things were fine, he talked of us being together, making a life together, he would give everythign up for me in a moment, I only had to say the word and he would do it!
I myself would have odne the same for him in an instant, but kept myself guarded because I wasn't sure if I could trust him not to hurt me again.

Then it happened again, he backed off for a while, kept me at a distance, sent excuses fro his not being in touch, all I could do was wait, I could never argue beacause he was married and so was I.

It went on in back and forth cycles like this for months, always seeming to be every four months or so, and all the while I would be waiting for him to show me something rather than keep telling me.

I had innuendos, false promises, he never wanted to know about my life, but would just contact me with the same words over and over until I would eventually snap!
But every time I tried to end it he would always come back with the same poetic words, adn I was so deeply hooked into him that I allowed it every time.

He would send really cruel words about why he couldn't see me, even tell me that he had spare time, but had 'other things' to do, and all the time I would be hurting and confused.

I would actually say to him, why can't you just let go and move on? All the time with him telling me he couldn't because I am the love of his life.

I know I am an EMPATH in my own personality, I know I spend my time making sure others are happy against my own needs, this has come about from me taking months of reading sites and forums.

I still have him in my life, I still want him in my life because I love him so damn much, but I am getting angry now, angry that he only makes an effort when he feels he really needs to. I have told myself so many times that I need to just get rid of him, but I can't, I am addicted to him and his meagre ocntact.

He is making some effort at the moment, making time for me, but I live in constant doubt that there is only me, to the point that I am becoming paranoid and I cna't think of anything else.