Better off without him's Story

My story of hell on earth

The reality that I've given up 4.5 years of my life to a man that saw me as nothing more than a pawn in his life is heart wrenching. It makes me wonder how I'll ever trust again or ever feel like a worthy person again. I always felt something was off with the relationship but I stayed. I allowed the cycle to continue. I'm not blaming myself for what he's done, just upset that I wasn't stronger.

I was vulnerable 4.5 years ago, fresh out of a separation from my ex-husband and not even interested in dating. He sought me out, he pursued me with so much conviction and I was flattered. He is 12 years younger than me but seemed so mature and well put together in his life. He just bought a house and I was losing mine due to divorce. He was always happy all the time constantly trying to bring me out from the struggles I was having from my divorce. Everybody loves him and thinks he great guy!!! I've always struggled with self esteem but he made me feel beautiful and perfect. He looked at me and touched me like I was the only person he could ever love. He told me I was the perfect girl for him, and I believed him. I had never felt so free to be myself and still be loved. We talked for hours and life had hope. Then first 6 months we never shared a cross word with each other. I fell deeply in love and wanted a future with him.

I remember the day it all changed. His best friend had just ended his relationship with his girlfriend and called my narc for support and a place to stay. Of course the nice guy he is, he was there for him. I became useless then. He had his friend back and I wasn't important anymore. He needed to spend time with his suffering friend. They spent time in bars and parties. I ended it with him and he was "devastated"...for two days. Then he met a new supply at a party. She only lasted about 4 days. I took him back and for three months, it was "good" again. The cycle of 3 months began and never stopped. He left me 10 times and I took him back every time!!!! Why???? How could I be so blind and care about myself so little??? Ugh!
Five different girls, twice with each one, he went back to them for supply knowing they would be there. I'm piecing it all together now. The big blow was when he slept with his best friends girlfriend, my friend. I found naked pics of her in his email that she sent him. This time he couldn't deny. I had proof. I ended it with him and thought I would die from the pain. It was the worst pain and feeling of betrayal I'd ever felt. One week passed after I ended it with no contact. He contacted me and promised counseling and his undying devotion and heartfelt apology for what he'd done. He was "miserable" and life was empty without me. He even apologized to my family and began counseling. I took him back!!! What was I thinking??
His therapist picked up on his NPD in the first visit. He went a total of 5 times and then it was a bucket of excuses as to why he didn't go back. He was healed!!!
He seemed better, more in tune with my feelings and more supportive than I'd seen in 4 years. He and I spent everyday together for the next 8 months (that's the record). I ran into struggles at work, taking on a new position and my "stress" became a problem and we began to drift. We quit being intimate and we quit talking. He became distant and I became angry because he was so emotionally disconnected. He ended it 4 weeks ago, for a new supply of course. He blamed it on me and how things just haven't been "good". Today is one month since we've spoken and two weeks since I've received a text from him. This is the longest we've ever gone with NC. His latest supply must really be great because all,the other times he left he never left me alone for a minute!!
I'm feeling stronger everyday but struggle with anxiety about him contacting me again. My family is supportive and I've sought therapy and I know I'll never allow him back in my life. But my head is spinning and my heart is broken that this man that I loved has to be dead to me.