brandnew's story

Brand new here, but not to the game...

So like everyone else, I too had the fantasy relationship at first. We were friends and became even closer friends. I was going through a rough time with my life (vulnerable). He swooped in and offered help. He was amazing!! He had an awesome job (bs), went to church (even the Devil knows scripture), and was a loving father (just supply). He was even the one who brought me to church where I got saved. So sick looking back.

He was going through a rough spot too. He had a crazy (rightfully so) ex, who just wouldn't leave him alone (truth: they would talk all the time when no one was around, and then he would ignore her when people were there and insist she was crazy). He was a father to three kids (later I learned two different mothers). "I have three kids, who's gonna want me?" He loved his kids' mother so much, but she cheated on him (truth:he actually cheated on her with her sister). Poor baby... and I bought it hook, line and sinker.

Everything is great for the first 6 months. One of his kids comes up to me and says, "look S gave me a $20 bill!". I played it cool and later on asked him about why the kids were seeing his "psycho" ex, if indeed she was truly psycho. Note, not the kids' mother. Huge, huge fight. "You don't trust me"... "She needed my help"... "She is really sick right now"... "She took care of the kids for such a long time"..."If you don't trust me, don't be with me". (She was being kept around as a source of supply, and still is EIGHT YEARS LATER...she has money, lots and lots of it.)

I was so confused. I would try to say something and even what I was saying didn't make sense. I would say sorry just to clear the air, because I couldn't take the argument any more. I loved this man, what the...

I start feeling like I am going crazy. My friends, family, church friends, co-workers all beg me to get out. He's just misunderstood, he really is a good guy... right? I went on Xanax for anxiety... he flipped out!! With those magical little pills, I had clarity. He threw them away and threatened to leave. I couldn't get my prescription refilled, until the 90 day mark. I was so ready to leave, but back into the downward spiral...

Fast forward a year, and I get pregnant. "How could you do this to me?". Ummmm? Less than two weeks later I find a business card in his pant pocket while doing laundry. It is an old "business partner". I ask him if he has seen her and he replies no. Lies, lies, lies. I contacted her. I leave him pregnant and all. He comes crawling back... once I starte to IGNORE HIM. Feeling alone, and preggers... I go back. Things are good for a while. I have a baby boy.

His wonderful job that he had was a multi-level marketing position was now gone. He needed to "take time for him", "my upline Leo is jealous of me", "Tuan told me I was a horrible leader", "I was never properly trained"... So he starts up another business. That fails. He then starts "working on bikes", aka he had a mini chop shop. Didn't find this out until the very end.

Fast forward another year and we are planning to have our second child. We do, and she is a beautiful girl. I finally get accepted into nursing school. My dream. Looking back at it now, this was perfect timing. I had just started nursing school, my in-laws were taking care of the kids (out of state, I know I'm dumb) while I went to school and worked full time and he "got his business going". Basically, after I put down the money for the school (30k) and started, he found another woman.

I wouldn't be there to give him his supply. I would be at work or school. He didn't have to worry about the kids, his parents would watch them. He didn't have to worry about me getting him for child support, his parents had them. He could enjoy all the time he wanted with his new girlfriend.

The girlfriend is convinced that I am crazy. At the time I thought I was crazy too. We had our run in with each other when I just found out about her. He had been telling me he needed time for himself... to find himself... he found himself in her alright:) Funny thing is he had been trying to tell me he loved me(and sleep with me) a week before this. I told her "don't worry, you'll get yours", her response was" what are you going to do?".

I laughed and told her, "if he cheated on me, he will cheat on you too".

I immediately spoke with a lawyer and started proceedings. "Finish your schooling. If you get out now, you have nothing to fall back on. No judge is going to look at you wrong for getting your education to support your kids."

He moved with his girlfriend and two of his kids in with his parents. How fun!! He took his other two kids while their mother was deployed. She has since returned home from overseas and her kids are back with her. I visited my kids every break I got from school. Most of the time I had to call the police to get them.

I have gone through the cycles of hoovering.

I have been called every name in the book ( my personal favorite is white cunt).

I get the silent treatment and am not allowed to speak to my kids.

I get called a racist, lol, ( he's black and I'm white, he throws this out when he doesn't have anything else)

I'm apparently a whore ( I have dedicated this year to me and have been abstinent)

everything is my fault,

if only I would have supported him more,

if only you wouldn't have let yourself go (I'm 5'6, 125lbs, size 3 after two kids),

she is so much better than you,

who's going to want you, you have black kids!

When the attacks don't get a reaction...

you didn't ever love me

why did you do this to me?

I wanted to work things out, but you couldn't forgive me

Everyone thinks I'm a horrible person

Who's going to want me with five kids?

Do you know how hard it is to be me?

I wouldn't have to do these things if you didn't...

Maybe when you get down here you can work with me...

I am proud to say I have finished nursing school and am ready to continue on. I am wrapping up a few loose ends and I will be moving to be with my babies. I have legal support, the support of my church, my family, my friends, my school, you name it. I have gone from feeling like the weak remains of a girl to... well... myself again.

During the first year of my ordeal I felt like I was dying. I was separated from my babies, dealing with a break up, homeless and carless at the beginning, going to nursing school full time, working full time. My faith in God kept me going. I prayed for him, I prayed more for the new girlfriend. I let go of the hold he had on me, I forgave him. Not for him, not to let him do it again, but because hating him takes up too much of my time and energy.

I wanted to say thank you to everyone on this site. I was told by my friend who is a psych major that my ex sounded like a narc. I stumbled across this site about three months ago. I have poured over the threads and have sat back in disbelief, laughter and tears. I have my sanity back, and I thank you:)