Feeling so heartbroken lately

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#1 Apr 18 - 7AM
AprilD
AprilD's picture

Feeling so heartbroken lately

It's been a tough few days for me. At times I feel very strong and ready to take on the world, but then thoughts creep in about the reality of the sick, ugly and twisted things that have been done to me. They overwhelm me and I break down in tears and feel sick to my stomach and get panic feelings. As my mind uncovers the layers of the depth and breadth of the evil that has been directed at me by the multiple narcs in my life, I feel so defeated and down in a pit and unable to wrap my mind around how people can do this these things to a loving, kind and caring person who does no harm, but tries her best to help and support and love and serve others. I am also deeply sad in finally understanding the evil that my narc father inflicted on my lovely, beautiful mother, who he kept isolated and captive and who had no one to support her or be there for her as she was suffering with him and trying to raise his six children. As for myself, my mind knows that I have a wonderful future ahead of me, that I am armed with the knowledge that I will not let these people near me again, but I feel such loss over my tortured and broken childhood and all the time and love I have wasted dealing with these sickos for so many years, and how they have affected every single area of my life. I HATE them for dragging me down into their pit and I HATE that I have to expend my precious energy fighting my way out of that pit. And the last thing I want to feel is hate. The CD I am dealing with now is hating them for what they did to me and feeling compassion for them because they are so blind and lonely and controlled by their demons. I am doing everything I am supposed to - I really am (NC, reading, journaling, therapy, etc.), but I feel so hopeless and heartbroken at the moment and I worry that I will never have real true peace and able to trust anyone ever again.

Thanks,

April

Apr 19 - 6AM
ForeverFreedom
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Time will heal this.

Apr 18 - 5PM
TruthbeginsToday
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I am so sorry that you are

Apr 21 - 6AM (Reply to #2)
JCat
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April, you've learned that

Apr 21 - 12PM (Reply to #4)
TruthbeginsToday
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This is where I am

Apr 21 - 10AM (Reply to #3)
shock and awe.some
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This is such a beautiful