ZanShin's Story

Cardboard Cut-Out Girlfriend: My Story

Like so many of you, I met my N on eHarmony. I remember thinking at the time that there was something about his picture that didn’t settle well with me…I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I remember hesitating answering his initial message. He was gorgeous but there was something dark about his eyes. Of course, I’ve always loved Bad Boys, so off I went. He bypassed all the ‘get to know you’ questions and emailed me: inviting me to see a play. I was working that night and couldn’t go; his response should have been a red flag—very terse and seemed a little hurt/rejected. He already was working me!

Our first date was epic: he rented a suite at a very swanky hotel for me, as I was coming in from out of town. We went to my favorite restaurant, the ‘it’ bar in town, looked at the lights from the penthouse of the hotel…and stayed up until 5am talking. For the first time in my life, I slept with a man on the first date. So not me, but the connection (damn you, connection) was so intense and mesmerizing. Romantic texts and phone calls followed in the days to come. I was still dating other guys, but N had my heart already. So, when he texts “come meet me for dinner” a few days later, I hopped in my car and drove 45 minutes to meet him.

At this dinner, he revealed to me that he had impregnated a woman (after having slept with her only twice—uh huh) and now had a child out of wedlock. (His language: always so proper.) He seemed so ashamed and tortured about it: direct hit! As he said “I would understand if you got up and left me and never looked back.” Well played, N. Well played. He might as well have physically tied me to him at that point. He had moved in with the woman after finding out she was pregnant (more on this later) but alas, it had not worked out. So, he was currently living on the second floor of the house he and his ex-wife had shared (ex-wife, living on first floor). Hence, we rented our second hotel room and slept together again.

Sex was always such an important part of our relationship. It was so intense from the beginning: he had a way of making me feel like he was burrowing into my soul, not just my body. He even said as much. I am very sexual and he seemed to be as well…we’d have sex for hours, and at first, it was extremely sensual but later became more and more bizarre. I also (foolishly) opened up to him that one of the reasons my first marriage failed was because we never had sex; he said his marriage was the same. (Again, riiiiight…!) What I didn’t realize is I had just given him the perfect ammunition for hurting me later, by denying sex, never touching me.

Our third date: he brought his 6 year-old son along. I am a teacher and am sure I expressed my love for kids during our first two dates. As if I weren’t already hooked, after meeting this sweetheart, I was fully affixed. Even after this date, I sensed something strange. I had attended to his son’s needs more than he did during the date; as we were driving home (in my convertible), he refused to put the top up when his little boy was complaining about the wind…with his nose running, sneezing his head off from allergies. I remember thinking that he seemed so cold and distant—not at all like the Romeo I had gotten used to during the ONE WEEK of dating him. (My god, that week felt like a year! By the end of it, I was completely in love.)

A week later, he took off for a trip to Europe he had already planned prior to meeting me. I figured he was with someone during the trip and he was—he had met a woman in a bar in Paris the prior November. However, I still got some incredibly romantic texts while he was gone. (Later found out, when he was there in November, hooking up with this woman, he was sending similar texts to my predecessor.) I realized he was probably sleeping with her, but I was still seeing other guys and although it stung, I rationalized it away. Anyway, when he got back, he proclaimed her a “psycho,” that she was “bat-shit crazy” and they didn’t work. How I, a card-carrying Feminist, could be alright with that language still shocks me, but I was insecure and this made me feel like I had an in---I would NEVER be the psycho! Ha.

Upon his return, he was moving into an apartment in the hotel where he had booked my room for that first date. Yay! Finally, a place where we could be together. It was shocking to see how few possessions he had! I stopped by on his moving day to say hi and he literally had NOTHING: no pots, no pans, no utensils, no cups, no bed (uh oh!), nothing but a couple antiques. The next week, he sent me a gazillion emails and texts a day, wooing me but also making me Head Decorator. I helped him find all sorts of items for his apartment, using work time to research for him. (I didn’t even think twice: I was flattered that he wanted me to help him set up a place.) He said many times: “think of this as your home too.” I performed a lot in town but lived 45 minutes away, so this was great to hear for practical reasons, but made my heart about leap out of my chest for personal reasons! I was so head over heels for him. Mind you, we had been dating for about three weeks at this point. A little early to be offering up a home to me!

(What I realize NOW about his home in this hotel is that it was the perfect hunting ground for a Narc: all he had to do is go up to the bar to pick up a girl to bring back down to his lair. He didn’t even have to go outside!)

Things progressed beautifully for the next month or so: constant contact via text/phone and I spent almost every weekend with him. He finally came to visit me at my house one weekend and we had the first of his many ‘loyalty’ talks. Oh how I loved these. (Sarcasm: dripping.) We had a wonderful day together and for some reason that night, he got quiet. I begged and pleaded and cajoled him to tell me what was wrong. (Can I fix it? OH god, I hope I can fix it!) He looks at me with lizard eyes and asks “How do I know I can trust you?” I think I laughed: I am the most loyal human ever. Seriously. After a month or two of dating, he should have caught on to this. Nevertheless, I spent the next hour trying to convince him he could trust me. He had been “hurt before.” And “all relationships end.” Everyone “always leaves him.” This is when he tells me the sob story (later discovered to be totally false) about his ex-wife cheating on him at the end of their marriage. I was crying and he just sat there. Eventually, he gives in and says something quippy to blow it all off. (One trait I definitely will NOT miss). He whisks me into the bedroom and we have mind-blowing sex….just as he planned, I’m sure. He put the fear of abandonment in my very large, bleeding heart. By this point, I am sure that I already am sexually addicted to him. This little episode only made it worse. Now, sex equated healing. Togetherness. Proving my loyalty. Him proving his love. Hooked.

Right around this time, we decide that we are ‘exclusive.’

One night not too long after this, after texting our “good nights” and “I love yous,” I am awakened by a text from him at 2am: “We are done. Never contact me again.” My heart jumps out of my chest as I frantically try (15 times) to call him—no answer. No answer to any texts. So, I jump in the car and drive 45 minutes to his apartment. He finally answers the door but tells me he needs to sleep and won’t talk now. So I sit in his bed, awake all night, waiting to find out why the man I thought was the love of my life has just ended things with me. I begged with him in the morning to tell me what I had done (ha). He still won’t tell me. Just cryptically says “you know.” Over the course of the day, via email, I learn that he saw someone online on a porn site that looked “exactly” like me; his assumption was that I had a double life as a porn star. That I was lying all along. Also, he questioned whether I had f****d some one since we had been dating. Well, yes as we were only recently exclusive…and he went to France with another woman, so I thought we were fine. That set him off too. Then, in the blink of an eye, he apologizes and all is forgotten. I felt eviscerated. I’ve never experienced anything like that day.

At this point, my friends and family are leery, to say the least, of him. Few of them understood how I could take him back after such a rejection. I adored him. It was simple. People make mistakes. Looking back, his behavior was borderline psychotic, or at the least, delusional. This wasn’t the last time, either…

Our relationship progresses with little drama for the next bit. However, I notice after some time that I feel like I am doing most of the work in keeping up communication. I always had the sinking feeling that if I didn’t text or call, he’d just forget about me. I even shared that with him at one point, it was such an acute feeling. Because we lived in different cities, I always made the effort to travel to his city (where I worked frequently) to see him. In the first year of our relationship, he came to my home maybe a whopping four times. I had set up a dinner with my friends (in whom he has never shown a bit of interest of getting to know); he called a couple hours before and canceled. This happened many times. Many. As a result, I have an ever-present panic about being an hour away from him; he did little to reassure me and in fact, encouraged me to put my house on the market and move to Tulsa. We could live together. So, after meeting this man in April, I put my house on the market in late August/early September. Way too fast, now that I look back. I agreed to a two-hour round trip commute so that I could be with this man. My house eventually sold and I moved. By that time, we had both looked for homes together AND broken up twice…by my move, we were in the midst of getting back together. However, he had always backed out from moving in together.

At some point, he starts showing me emails from his ex, with whom he had a child out of wedlock. (True story: he was talking marriage with his girlfriend at the time; cheated on her with the ex, impregnated her, girlfriend at the time dumped him.) Her emails are vitriolic---so angry. “She really is awful,” I think to myself. Poor him. He tells me how she ‘trapped him’ into having a baby. That people around town have told him how she was talking all about having a child right before she met him. I asked him “what woman our age doesn’t take birth control?’ He agrees. (He knew she wasn’t on birth control, I find out later from her. She is unable to tolerate the hormones. He knew this but still insisted on never wearing a condom.) No wonder he never sees his child (who lives only two miles from him); the mother is just too difficult. I mean, she even went to DHS!! (hmmm…perhaps there was a reason??) At the time, I buy his story about her, hook-line-sinker. It just strengthens my resolve to be The Perfect Girlfriend. I’ll never be the psycho bitch. Again, ha.

It now makes me ill to think that I would believe such things about another woman. That I would rationalize away the fact that a man ignores his own 1 year old son. That in so doing, I tacitly complied with his abusive behavior toward both of them. Ill.

Not long after we started dating, he reveals to me that he takes Adderall. At first, he couches it as if it is to help him focus. I can believe this: during the day, he will text me about the most random range of topics…switching from one to another with no segue, no connection, no warning. Made my head spin, but I am an artist and used to eccentricities. I found it endearing (at the beginning…). So, the Adderall makes a bit of sense..but not really. Turns out, he wants it for the high, not for legitimate reasons. He also smokes pot, but his rule is only on the weekends. This quickly evolved into “only when we go out,” and now it is every night and all day on weekends. His ex-wife later revealed to me that right before he met me, he was also on phentramine and taking three times the proscribed dosage. I notice he is starting to lose weight. He has always been talkative, but now he is tripping the light fantastic. Or, he is the opposite: silent, brooding, crabby. I either hear from him a thousand times a day or get one word answers a couple times. Or the silent treatment. He has a habit of texting me extremely late at night…usually for sexting purposes. I don’t mind at first, but it quickly gets exhausting. Ironically, if he is tired, there is no communication…no way in hell he will pick up the phone if I were to call. But if I’m tired or just asleep (at 2am like most normal people), he doesn’t give a shit: calls, texts, whatever. And I know if I don’t answer, he will think I am cheating on him. His drug use has gotten to the point that he has lost at least 20 pounds since I started dating him. Around December of the first year we were together, he nearly breaks down; has me call his mother and put her on speakerphone so that he can tell her that he is a drug addict and needs help. Horrific scene. At this point, I am going over to his place nightly to take him food and to check on him…and I live an hour away still. He promises to check into rehab over Christmas and get clean. He doesn’t. Since then, he has been on and off Adderall so many times I have lost count. The one constant is the pot smoking…that will never change I am sure.

He ruins every holiday, but the best was our first Valentines Day ‘together.’ I was playing a benefit concert that night; he was going to come along and we could eat dinner together, I’d play my set, and then we could go elsewhere afterward. He shows up so high on Adderall that I can see his jaw muscles clenching. He says not a word at dinner, which is horrifyingly embarrassing to me as we are sitting at a table with my colleagues and friends. I go to play my set. About fifteen minutes into it, I realize he is gone. I look around at my break. He is nowhere. I call and text him…fifteen times. No answer. No response. I go back and finish my concert. I was staying with him this week because I had concerts every night in the city. AND his mother was scheduled to come stay with him later that week and he wanted me there to be with her. I felt so trapped. His explanation for leaving: he felt uncomfortable.

One way he tries to hook me into staying around is to always in the midst of planning “a big trip” together. Then when I complain about how he is ignoring me or treating me coldly, he can say “but I’m working on going on this trip with you!?” Uh huh. We went overseas last November. The first few days were wonderful and then I think the intimacy was too much for him. Well, the night before the trip, he decides to stop taking the Adderall, cold-turkey. Sure, an overseas trip is the PERFECT time to go through withdrawal! Awesome. As a result, halfway through the trip, he becomes incredibly ill. I tend to him and upon his recovery, he can barely squeak out two words to me during the day. He makes me do all the driving, even though I have a daily 2 hour commute at home. As I drive, he sits there and pouts. Silent treatment in a car. Didn’t think it was possible. The best instance of this was when we flew home; we ended up in the middle two seats of a four-seat row, despite my requests otherwise (of course, he would have never taken responsibility for this). For seven hours, he completely ignored me. I cried for a bit: ignored. Nothing.

Not to say that N isn’t charming as hell: he is fun and handsome. Clever. I have great times with him, as long as things stay light. This was alright for awhile because I confused all the lovey bs he was feeding me for REAL emotional conversation. It wasn’t. It was just a con. He didn’t mean any of it; he can't FEEL any emotion but fear and anger. When we are broken up, he goes on rages against his ex wife and his ex girlfriend (baby mama): harassing them via text, threatening law suits (never never has a case), insulting their families. Ugly.

Which brings us to his cheating. One Thursday night, I decide to stay in my hometown to have a movie night with my friends, whom I’ve barely seen since I’ve started dating him. I invite him to the movie night: he laughs. No thanks! (Joe Cool. is too cool for movie night.) The next day when I arrive at his apartment, I find some trashy earrings on his sofa. I confront him. Of course, some girl called him, he was really high, they kissed (“that’s all”—right), but he was thinking of me the whole time. He hated every word that came out of her mouth. And, he figured I was out on a date that night anyway, cheating on him, so why not. I was devastated. And I forgave him. I was so hooked into his game at this point, how could I not have? I had lost myself in him. He was everything. All my friends had husbands and kids…how could I say goodbye to this man and his child? He swore to never do this again.

Fast forward to this past December. A month during which I found out that the N was texting women trying to entice them to “meet him for a drink,” all the while telling me that he wanted to live together and have a baby “as soon as possible.” He wanted me to live with him, be his “number one—the one he always came home to,” but he had to be allowed to see other women so he could “f*** someone else, from time to time.” Oh my, how enticing! He said “I was not meant to be monogamous. I was put on this earth to spread my seed. This is who I am. I will not change.” For once, I think he was being truthful…. On Christmas Day, after having wrapped all the presents for his two boys, cooked dinner/breakfast for them, etc., I found a text on his phone from two days earlier, asking a woman to meet him for a drink. Merry Christmas.

The past three months have been surreal, to say the least. After I broke up with him, he texted and told me to leave town; that he would "cripple me and my career" if I revealed anything about his personal or professional life to anyone. Went NC, but broke it when he started love-bombing me with texts. Quickly discovered he was no different (found out he was asking another girl out via text while he was texting me about his undying devotion). Went NC. He then accused me of having a lesbian relationship with his baby mama (a great friend of mine--but not a lover!!) and showed up at my house with an order of protection that he was going to file AGAINST ME!!!!!

Then, he changed tact and started the heavy wooing. (As I am typing this I cannot believe that I fellfor it!!! I am sick.) I actually allowed him to take me to a spa for the weekend...where after having sex, he rambles about how "cool" it would be to strangle someone to death...and says "oh, you are thinking--'I should have run when he started talking about strangling me'--laugh, laugh." He claims he has 'changed' because he realized he couldn't live without me. He is obsessed with getting me pregnant, getting married, finding a home. Obsessively talking about trips we need to take in the next few months. He brought me flowers, coffee in the morning, woke me up with “good morning beautiful” texts. Took his son and me on a camping trip…paid for everything. Accompanied me on a business trip to keep me company on the long drive. Answered the phone; answered texts. Said he would move anywhere I needed to go for my career (instead of the old “maybe I’ll move” without including me in the plans). Came to all my concerts and said he’d never miss another. He was so into me. Made me feel so very special. Told me how deeply in love he was with me. This was it! Finally! The man I fell for was back! He realized (his own words) how deeply he loved me and how I was worth “sacrificing his freedom.” (whoa, wait a minute…is that a compliment??)

For 8 weeks, things were beautiful. Perfect. As soon as I relented and told him that I would move in with him, things began to fall apart. As predicted, right? The next day after I said this, he tells me that he found an apartment…that doesn’t take pets, so I’m not able to ever live there. I’m spinning. Oh, and he told me this at our 2 year anniversary dinner, which I am convinced he was going to back out of if I hadn’t texted at the time we were supposed to meet (since I hadn’t heard from him all day: no more “good morning beautiful” texts—no texts at all). Then he finds an awesome house and it is all “our house” and “it is perfect for us” and he buys $1600 of furniture for “our place.” Then he changes his mind about that house, for some reason. All the while, I am seeing him only about 4 hours a week. No more hanging out every night watching movies and sharing dinner. I’m lucky if I get a response from texts. He doesn’t answer the phone. Yet, each week, he throws me a bone and takes me out to do something or we spend the weekend together. When I complain about how I feel like he is pulling away again, I get the usual: “I’m tired.” “Why do you always have to….” “I just took you camping.” He continues to obsess about taking a big trip in July together: this is the one thing I always hear from him about.

I am convinced he has someone tailing me. He asks increasingly detailed questions about my work schedule. I feel more pressure to tell him exactly where I will be and when...and to follow through accordingly. I’m in a bar one night with a friend; I text him to come join us. He declines (of course) but asks “why are you sitting next to a box?” Indeed, my friend’s boyfriend’s trumpet case (a box) is sitting on the table right next to me. There are no windows in this basement bar.

This week, I am at my lowest point. I try to pin him down about living together. He won’t answer me…literally. I ask “what do you want” and he responds “what do you want?” I feel like I am going crazy. He makes me feel this way. The coup de grace comes on Wednesday. He calls to tell me (actually, has his son tell me) that he has rented a house! And guess what, it is just two blocks from my condo! On the street that I told him was my ‘favorite street’ in my favorite neighborhood! And it is the style of house that I love! And he is going to put a pool table in the dining room, because he never would use a dining table (even though a few days before we were discussing buying a dining room table TOGETHER for OUR place). And the bedroom is small, but he only has his bed and doesn’t have any other furniture, so it will be ok for HIM. And there is a porch and my, won’t he spend hours out there drinking tea and reading (I DRINK TEA AND READ ON PORCHES. NOT HIM). It is quickly apparent that I have been excluded by executive Narc-hole vote, committee of 1: Captain Dick Head. He sees nothing wrong with what he has done and since Wednesday, has invited me to live with him and has uninvited me to live with him at least four times. Took me to pick up some of OUR new furniture; and then disappeared today when we had a dinner date. Spin, little girl, spin. His instability has reached a height I didn’t think possible when I succumbed to his hoovering two months ago. Everyone on here is right: if you break NC and go back, you will only suffer more when everything inevitably falls apart again.

I am convinced that he has no respect for me. At this point, I am a collection of attributes, qualities, and skills that he mines for his own needs, at his own leisure. He has taken on my passions and interests as his own. He has even stolen my neighborhood. If I try to express any real sentiment, he immediately says he “is tired” or that I am being “Debbie Downer” or “mushy.” An image came to me this week: he wants a cardboard cut-out Girlfriend. Always smiling. Always silent. Moveable. Disposable. Recyclable.

This is not me. No more. Finally, that nugget of Self started yelling again. Started really hearing what he was and wasn’t saying. My amazing friends held an intervention of sorts this week: I am so blessed to have their support. I think I have always thought that the way N treated me was somehow MY fault: I was too needy, I wasn’t “perfect” enough (sexy, beautiful, brilliant), I didn’t do enough for him. Even now, I feel myself wanting to try harder, do more, call/text, find out what is wrong, why is he so quiet...but I don't do it. I see the addiction, finally. Hearing my loved ones express their concern for me and absolute disgust for him helped underscore that I’m not the crazy one.

Here’s to moving forward and reclaiming my life...and here’s to burning that cardboard cut-out once and for all.