Stace's Story

Was it right or wrong?

How do you define what is a narcissist or other? And if what I went through is considered to be a narcissist relationship and if I dealt with things correctly or incorrectly? This is what I ask myself nearly everyday. Please read and tell me your opinion.

I’ll try and keep this brief as what I need to share with you may require you to know certain details in order to have a clear understanding of this situation.
I was engaged to a man who to this day I still question if he was/wasn’t a narcissist?
He never showed me signs that he would cheat on me though I wouldn't put it past him. In the beginning when we first became acquainted he didn't make it easy. Instead he was quite shy and reserved - he expected me to make "the first move". Then once that barrier was broken everything went very fast. He said that we had been "dating" before I was even aware that we were dating - So all in all we "dated" for no more than what I believe was 4 months before we became engaged.
I did notice hints here and there - for example when we went on holiday abroad before we became engaged. His parents were messaging him every day asking if he had "proposed" yet? He informed me of this every day, which I just laughed off. Though the day came that he enquired with his parents where it would be best to purchase the ring in which they said probably abroad - that night we entered the first jeweler shop that we saw and purchased a diamond ring - I myself was a bit in shock as I wasn't expecting him to be serious and for it to be happening so soon! Though we had the ring I made it clear to him that we weren’t engaged yet until he officially asks me (which I assumed would be in at least another few months). We continued our shopping that night though in reaching our hotel he reminded me of what I'd told him on the previous days - that I would get him an aftershave. I answered him with a joking, "hmm don't know if you deserve it." (Though he didn't know that I had already purchased thee aftershave for him and it was waiting for him in our hotel room) To my "joking" comment he reacted in a way that I would least expect! He became greatly offended about me saying that he didn’t deserve it- I replied that I had been joking which he refused to accept and continued to hold a "grudge". So I thought to myself that he would kick himself when he finds out that I had the aftershave for him already all along. We reached our room where I went and took out the aftershave nicely gift-wrapped and hid it behind my back and gave it to him. He looked at it in "slight" surprise and said in a still annoyed tone "thanks". That night we went out for pizza though he continued to hold the grudge and me being ignorant continuously trying to reassure him that the comment was of no intention to be hurtful - but to no avail. Until we received our pizza and it was as if a switch had clicked in my mind and I thought - this is our last night of our holiday and I’m not going to spend it being upset- so I changed the topic by looking out the window and commenting on how lovely the lights outside looked - he became further enraged by saying that I "Can't turn this around on him" - I clearly stated that I wasn't but that I refused to "ruin" the last night of my holidays, to which he just gave a bitter shrug to.
Believe it or not - that following morning his parents again messaged him asking if he had proposed yet? Which he informed me about and said that "we pretty much already were" To which I replied that we weren't until he officially, asked me. So within the time of him coming to tell me this in the shower to me coming out of the shower and only been partially dressed he prompted me to come and sit next to him on the bed where he pulled out the ring and asked if I would marry him (no it was not romantic, he did not go down on one knee or serenade me etc.) and me thinking it was "acceptable” (which truly now I think about and think that it wasn't) replied "yes". Now looking back on it I felt that it was more of a chore for him to do than something that a man should truly anticipate in doing. He had previously been engaged before - which in that situation things didn't follow through too well and six days before the wedding it was cancelled. - Yes so you would think I would have seen this as a heads up - but me trying to see the innocence in all didn't interpret it like this at the time. Plus the fact that people who had “personal” run ins with him or his family had approached people that knew me to “warn” me. But in all this I chose to be blind.
In all honesty there were a few signs that I should have considered that being - his own brother and sister "warning" me on separate occasions
"Good luck with him" and that they "don't know how I handle him" - though I guess again I was blind and naive. He himself would even tell me in a self glorifying way that he was stubborn, selfish, arrogant and self centered.
Once we became engaged all at first was going smoothly until I mentioned that my mum had asked me if we were going to have a separator between men and women at our wedding during dancing (as this is an optional custom to have in our weddings) I said this to him in a laughable way as I myself didn't want this and I assumed as well that he wouldn't. As soon as I told him what my mum had asked me he became annoyed once again and asked "Does your mum want a separator???" I said no and that she had only "asked" if were going to have one. He continued on, as if unaware that I was there muttering, "I can't believe your mum wants a separator" "Your mum wants a separator" etc. etc.. I again continuously tried to reassure him that she purely asked and that it is up to us in the end - even adding that I didn't want one and refuse to have one - but to no avail he continued to be "annoyed" by this for three days! Until I had to get my mum to tell him herself that she had only "asked".
This was only the beginning of the end. From these days onwards he believed that everything I wanted for the wedding was in fact my mums or brothers "putting ideas in my head for what she/they wanted for the wedding". As you can imagine this brought on a lot of pressure and stress. Once again me trying to convince him in every aspect that it was “my idea”. Today I look back and in all honesty see this as quite insulting as he was pretty much “indirectly” saying that I didn’t have an opinion of my own. Further more he had even convinced his parents that it was my mum putting things in my head for the wedding. When my mum called his parents over to discuss the wedding (as two wedding parties traditionally do) who does what and pays for what etc. – his parents found this quite “unusual” so much so that for two nights after the “meeting” his dad couldn’t sleep. Yes I know- odd. The sherade continued on by my “fiancé” “forbidding” my parents or his to have any of their friends at the wedding. Which I told him that some of my parents friends I consider as family as they had seen me grow up – though he still refused. So much so that when I showed him “my” guest list he picked out names that sounded “old” to him and asked if they were my parents’ friends? He himself didn’t even want to invite any of his “few” friends. Which I found odd – as if telling me that he was ashamed.
Sorry to drag this on. I just feel that you need to know these details in order to get a clear picture.
So in all this I decided to move in with him – stating clearly that I will be putting things across to him while we are living together in which he will show me how he is dealing in living with another person as he had never lived with another woman before (Being 35 years of age and all). The time I decided to move in with him so happened to be the time my mum went abroad for three weeks. During this time things were “quite” pleasant in their own way. He still every now and then made the odd comment on my cooking or washing style etc. though I guess in comparison to all the rest this was bearable and actually quite pleasant. Plus he even showed affection every now and then in front of his parents. It’s as if my mother being out of the country gave him “relief” plus there was no one to “put things in my head”. Though he mostly enjoyed me giving him affection such as putting his cheek every time I was going to kiss him as he loved the feeling on his beard – plus now that I give it some thought it was me doing the giving and him just accepting.
Anyways in this time things were quite manageable until the time came that I became slightly upset at him because he had said hello to the young neighbor that we had but would rarely ever say hello to any of our other very friendly neighbors. In all truth I was actually glad that had shown some kind of social activity though at the same time confused and annoyed as he doesn’t do this enough with others. He automatically took this as me being “jealous” which I can see how he would think this. I clarified it to him by saying that he should do this with all neighbors. He continued this sherade that night once we were in bed by saying that before we were together he would go over and “clean her pipes” I laughed this off – he continued on by saying “during that time that he could give it to someone four times in a row” to which I replied unintentionally meaning harm and I guess on the whole out of partial irritation “ unlike your two wimpy times” – I know. What I said was uncalled for. To which this day I still feel ashamed and very bad about. Though I really didn’t mean to hurt him. “Every action causes a reaction”. He became verrrrryyyy angry and began to sulk by refusing to accept my apology. They say never go to bed angry to which “I thought” he believed in though that night we went to bed angry as me trying to plead with him was to no avail. The following day it continued. That night I tried to talk to him to which he said that “its like a slap in the face – you can’t expect the person to forgive you so easily”. I told him in tears that it was not intentional and that I would never wish to hurt his feelings– and that I had become irritated to what he had previously said before my comment – but still to no avail – he walked away leaving me at the kitchen table to go and watch television. There I began to cry uncontrollably as I began to imagine that this is how my future would be with my “future husband”. Every time we had a disagreement this is how it would be handled with him “walking away”. Once I got myself together I thought the best to do was to go to bed as trying to speak to him was of no use as he had clearly demonstrated his case being that the television was more important than resolving things. I went to bed that night with him coming to bed two hours later. The next morning was tense and awkward and I went to sit at the table with him to have breakfast “hoping” that he would say something – but no. He glanced at me once or twice and then continued reading the news. Then got up and said goodbye and went to work. That night all broke loose when again we “tried” to speak. He began by stating that I “sulked” last night by going to bed without saying goodnight and that I “shouldn’t do him any favors by living with him and that he and I can marry someone else”. He continued on by saying that he doesn’t respect my mother – to which I answered, “if he doesn’t respect my mother then he has no respect for me” he “corrected” himself by saying “I don’t like your mother”. In all this time that I had known him I had never once offended or mistreated his parents – to which he believed he had full access to do with mine. He continued on by selecting and “labeling” members of my family and that I “clearly come from divorced parents as it is seen by the way I deal with things” (which I thought trying to resolve things through proper communication was the right way to “deal with things” - but he obviously didn’t – my bad) – and that he read once “all children that come from divorced parents are doomed”. Once I realized nothing would be resolved I said that it is obvious that we are not ready to get married on the date set for the wedding at that we have a lot to still work through – to which I later found out further enraged him.
He then got up and went to have a shower were I was left feeling that I had no business to stay and live with him after the insults that he had just thrown. I felt as if he pretty much stated that he didn’t want me there – whether it was his ego talking or not I’m not sure. So while in the shower I packed a few of my things and waited for him (as I felt to give it one more chance to check – if in fact he’d prefer I left). When he came out I said to him “I feel unwanted and not needed here so I’m going to go” to which he answered a cheerful “Ok bye!”. So I took this as a sign to leave. Within an hour he was texting me stating “that this is stupid” and that I was wrong to just leave to which I replied that he pretty much had asked me to which continued to turn out into a texting fight – to which I said I wasn’t going to do and end the conversation text “fight” there. (By the way when I had left his house my mother had already returned from her travels – so I guess partially he believed that my mother had “convinced” me to come back home – which I can see why he would think this though it wasn’t the case at all)
The next day I felt guilty, so I went over to his house to try and see if me leaving is what he “truly” wanted. He “allowed” me in but soon began up again saying that all is my fault etc. and that a person that doesn’t want to marry him on the chosen date then they shouldn’t get married etc. etc.… To which I tried to explain to him that there is no rush to get married and that it is more important for us to work through things properly than rush into things. He somehow took this an insult I guess and shrugged me off and said, “I’ve made up my mind”. So in all this I got the hint that he really did want me to leave so I did. Within an hour he was at my house though I had gone to my mums house to break the news. My phone had run out of battery so I missed his calls – I only later that night saw his missed calls and his messages asking “if I was trying to tell him that I wanted to come back” and that he had come to my place but I wasn’t there. The following few days we spoke again though no apology had come from him from what he had said and how he treated me. Instead he used his parents as an example in trying to turn against my mother by stating, “That if I asked him to turn his back on his parents he would” (- which I highly doubt that he would), Which I replied that I would never ask him to do such a thing. I didn’t state that I wanted an apology but thought that if he wants to sort things out any grown man should know that an apology was in order – Instead it was as if he didn’t even realize that all the things he had said were in fact very hurtful.
This lead onto his parents wanting to speak to me – to which I agreed and went to their house – where I saw a completely different side to them. There I was told that I should have asked for an apology (to which my fiancé gave reason that he “wasn’t use to apologizing – and to which I replied that in order to be in a successful relationship partners need to know that an apology would be needed at times) His parents continued on pretty much reconfirming what he had said to me – that I was “obviously” affected by my parents divorce and didn’t know how to deal with things, that my mother was to blame for putting things in my head, that I was imagining things and that I should move back in with their son pronto or otherwise not waste “their” time. In all this I was shocked and could barely believe my ears. Correct me if I’m wrong – but should I have not been offended to what was said? During this entire time my “fiancé” sat there with out and inkling of an idea to defend me instead it was as if he thought his parents were doing him a great favor when really they had just dug his grave.
After that night I was truly distraught and exhausted. He continued to call me as if there was nothing wrong. I fell sick that weekend with a nasty cold – where he invited me to come over to his place to watch a movie and I told him that I was unwell and didn’t want to get him sick (all through texting btw not phone). In this I guess he once again got “offended” as he didn’t even suggest that he come to see me etc. The day after I didn’t hear from him or he from me. By the following day after that he “texted” me that he had called the priest and cancelled the wedding and to come and collect my things.
Apologies again for the long windedness of this story as I felt it necessary that you know the key details. Please feel free to give me your opinion of what you think it was that i experienced - narcissist relationship or other? I ask myself was I wrong to leave, did I over react or should I have handled things differently? At the end of the day all I wanted was his respect and to show me that were going to be able to have a successful relationship as yes of course we would face hurdles along the way - but to have the confidence that we would both be able to deal with it successfully was all that I was wanting to see. I ask myself why should I feel like the guilty one if he spoke and treated me in the way he did etc? Why is it that I feel like this and does he or should he feel in any way guilty?
Today I try and be strong and move on - but its so hard at times.
Thank you again taking the time to read this. Any advice and opinion that you could give me would be greatly appreciated.