Roxy1's Story

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#1 Mar 30 - 9PM
Roxy1
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Roxy1's Story

My story

I had been widowed for one year when I met him.I am a very energetic , smart, loyal person. I volunteer and would be called an empath . I was very involved in my church. I have great friends and family. I just have found out about narcisisst disorder. I didn't really know what it was about. I thought I was going crazy . And even though I don't want to be with him, I didn't know why I was so upset. He has a new supply now and is giving me the silent treatent, which I am grateful for. I waited on him for 3 months at the restaurant where I worked, flirted, gave him my number, nothing. Then I ran into him and I was dressed very nicely. He called about a half hour after. We talked on the phone, and everything was smooth . We went out to dinner at our favorite restaurant. And now looking back, boy did he hook me.He was never married. He told me all about all his financial woes and mostly all about those horrible ex's . Boy did they all do him wrong. He had a suicide attempt and depression, due to him mom, dad , sister and his dog dying. He lost his home and all his money. His credit was bad. I was thinking, I will save him and show him what a good, loyal woman is. He kissed me that night and I thought my socks were going to fall off. WOW. I was addicted that moment . He made me feel so good about myself.I had to have more.He was the perfect boyfriend when we were alone, talking laughing , staring into each other eyes. We start seeing each other as much as we could. Then I have some friends over from my church. That was the first red flag. He didn't mix well with the group. And accused one of my guests of staring at me. I told him he was wrong, but he insisted he was right. That was the start of a silent treatment. Every year my late husbands co workers (firemen) have a get together to remember my husbands passing .I am proud to say I am part of the fireman family. They treat me like I am their sister. They are my brothers. They have been there for my family. I was going to take my N , but thought that it was too soon, as my daughter hadn't met him yet. Well that night I should have ran away. When I got home he called me a whore, c... and to f... off. I remember looking at the phone , thinking who is this man.? So I went over to his house , he wouldn't let me in. He continued his name calling. I remember that I couldn't believe this was the wonderful prince charming with those wonderful kisses. I sat in his driveway in my car and calmed him down talking on the phone.. He said well you stayed, that was a sign I guess that I was not like the horrible ex's . He quit his job and started a new career. That was about 2 months after we started dating. And that is when I started helping him. After all I thought we would be together forever. I paid his rent. Then because of his new career, he wouldn't get paid for a while. I said ,hey move in with me. So he did. I bought him new clothes for his job. Made him breakfast, packed a lunch , laid out his clothes. Sent him to work. I got called all day long. He would ask what was I doing, even if I went to the mailbox he asked if I talked to anyone. If I went out to lunch with my girlfriend , was I meeting men. I walked the dogs , was I meeting men. If I went to a family party, did my family have men there for me to meet. You get the picture. It was awful. You couldn't open the blinds in my house as he thought people were looking at my boobs. I felt like I was in prison. Then my friends noticed I was being isolated. They googled him and saw that he had a PPO against him and he owned a gun. They were afraid for me. I asked him to leave.I had to give him money to leave. A lot of money. One friend knew I kicked him out, N was packing his things and my friend couldn't get ahold of me so he called the police to check on me. Even to this day , N thinks that because of my friend is why we are not together. I told him we are not together because of you , your smothering , accusations and verbal abuse. Nope he says. So he gets in his car and leaves. I am relieved. He calls me as he heading to florida , crying. This leads to him getting an apartment in florida, and for the next year and half I go there many times and I have to fly him back up here a couple times, because he is suicidal. I furnish his apartment. He really doesn't look for a job. He is above a meanial job. I give him money to invest , he lost it all. I am repeatedly leaving him and then he sucks me back in. Always drama, and the co dependant that I am , I go save him. The money runs out that I gave him and I move him back to my house. Which doesnt last long because of the prison, and verbal abuse I have to live with. He plays the guitar, and when he plays, if anyone talks to me, he thinks I am going to hook up with them. I was in love with him and wanted no one else. He thinks all my friends are whores. If I even looked at my phone I was accused of hooking up with someone. When we are at his family gatherings, he won't let me talk to any of his family. His family is relieved I am sure that I show up, because he constantly is asking them for money. And they say no. I have moved him 7 times in the past few years. He always is raging about the neighbors so he has to move. No friends(he has none) or family show up to help move. I have had to help him money wise moving every time. I bought him a guitar , he sold it. I helped pay car payment, insurance ,clothes, trips doctor bills. Took him to the doctor, emergency room . . I had to pay on all the dates. And he liked to go to nice places and drink expensive wine. He never had money for food. Even when we were broken up for months at a time, I would leave food on his doorstep. I fed him for 3 years. I haven't slept with him in years, but still would see him from time to time . I would see him for about a week he would call me with some drama in his life. I would say something like, stop blaming others for your life , we all make our own choices in life. Take responsiblity for your choices. Or why don't you treat your co workers nicely instead of telling everyone to F... off. Well , then he would call me evil , and not talk to me for awhile. I have read his PPO court papers, he says he didn't deserve that. Well I have emails that he wrote to me that make that PPO tame. He said I am sick because I don't spend the holidays with him. I say, I don't spend the holidays with him because he calls me names. Then he will tell me it is because I have another boyfriend. I have to tell you I haven't been with anyone in the 5 years I have known him. I was always hoping he would see the wonderful loyal person I am. I didn't want anyone else. He blames everyone else that we are not together . He is to blame. No one else. Then there was Pam. On one of our breaks from each other. I remember our first date, he told me how he could never be with a woman he didn't care about. He let Pam give him a BJ the first date.He planned a trip with her. He wanted to do a 3 some with her. NO.! I told Pam all the things N did to me, but she didn't believe that his charming man would do such things.He never did apologize, he said I made him do it. LOL . Then the sex. The kissing and forplay was great , but he would have to relieve himself most of the time. That made me feel horrible. I wanted him all the time, he would deny me. He had to take a nap beforehand. He was insecure about his "size" I always thought it was great, but looking back he just wanted to get his adoration from me. He told me all the other girlfriends told him he was small. I didn't think so. I adored his body. The smell of him made me want him.
He had been working last year , but he didn't get along with his supervisor (what a shocker) He started not wanting to go to work, he was sick amd the supervisor was making him mentally ill.. So he is out on a medical, he is seeing a therapist, which he brags about fooling her. He has to see the therapist to get disability. But now he is in a rock band that only plays once or twice a month. I don't understand why he can do that and not work a regular job.
He asked me to go on a gig with him on new years eve. I said I would think about it. I love watching him play.
So the last time I talked to him, he called me and asked me for money to buy a guitar and I would make one hundred dollars. He doesn't have credit cards anymore after running them up and not paying them. He has been doing that for years. That is stealing in my book. I told him no. I told him you never pay me back. He called me a C... , whore . and told me to f... off.
I told him, when you ask your family for money , do you call them names too?. I told him I would not tolerate his verbal abuse. All he asks then if I am still going to the gig with him. He doesn't apologize. Every time he text me I just sent back the text "you told me to f... off" . He says I just meant that for that day! OMG. Needless to say I didn't go.
So I stay away from him again, and he tells me he is finished with me and I almost killed him. lol he almost killed me financially, and my spirit. I saved him so many times. But he thinks he is entitled to all the things I have done for him and bought him. We text a little bit for a while then I get the silent treatment . And that is because he has a new supply. I want so bad to warn her . I am mad that she is sleeping in his apartment with all my things. But I know in a little while she will get treated with abuse. I feel sorry for her. I hope she likes to live in a life with just him and has alot of money. I can only imagine the horrible story he has told her about me.And I am sure he has NOT told her about what he has done to me, because he is a N . But I know I am a good person and that all that matters. I did nothing wrong. Everyone thinks he is this wonderful sweet guy that is down on his luck. He has made horrible choices in his life and he blames everyone else. I look back now and see how he has never stepped up and took ownership of his problems. I am so glad I found this site. It has been helping. I know I deserve better. After reading Lisa's book and reading about narcisissts, my head knows better , but my heart is having a hard time. I am going to be honest and I know I am going to take a beating from all of you. I am having a hard time with NC. I am checking his and his OW facebook. I try so hard not to.. I also get that he never loved me , I was just here to fill his supply . It is a hard pill to swallow. He also never supported me in anything that I did. I know I will be alright, just a matter of time and doing some hard work . Looking at myself, and how did I let this happen. I hope this letter helps in my recovery. This is almost as hard as my husband dying. At least I knew my husband loved me very much.

Apr 1 - 10AM
spinning
spinning's picture

Roxy, dearheart, I am going

spinning

Apr 1 - 4PM (Reply to #2)
Roxy1
Roxy1's picture

thank you