Near healing and it feels great

It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything on this site. Since Christmas there’s been a tremendous difference in the way I felt about my experience with the N. Goldie used to tell me in our one-on-ones that in a 6 month time I would feel a lot better and I couldn’t believe that, I thought it was not possible for me. I was totally wrong.

Although I know that this journey hasn’t ended yet and there are some things I still process and discover about myself, I can safely state that a lot of my perceptions and needs have changed for the better and it seems really strange to me now that I have to thank my ‘relationship’ with the N for it. I don’t need drama in my life and I don’t find it challenging when a guy disappears on me and I definitely don’t feel the urge to explain anyone’s strange behavior or prove myself to a random guy anymore. I just move on. I don’t want to play mommy for anyone as much as this role was appealing to me 3 years ago because it made me feel useful. It feels so liberating when you can see inconsistency in a guy’s words and actions for what actually is: luck of real interest and respect, not love, not ‘struggling to sort my feelings out but I love you’, not anything that could create a healthy and happy relationship. Goldie you were right, this is a lesson I won’t have to learn again, a powerful knowledge and I’m so thrilled I own it. It’s amazing how my perceptions of acceptable behavior have changed in the last year and this site, Lisa’s book, Goldie, the mods, all you wonderful women with your own stories and comments made it possible.

So yes, NC and sticking to it, help from the mods, self compassion and patience, hope that everything will get better, got me to this place, to be able to tell you that healing is possible for everyone even for those of you who may not believe they will ever truly recover.

I wish you all the best,

Belle