jm7719631's story

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#1 Mar 20 - 4PM
jm7719631
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jm7719631's story

“The Undertow”

I’m writing this as I’ve read that it’s cathartic. What a roller coaster ride of control, deceit, religion and the best gift in the world.
I’m also hoping that others find my venting helpful, interesting, to know they are not alone and that it does get better.

Here goes..

Over the course of my 17-year relationship with my ex-wife, I finally figured out several months ago what was driving me crazy all those years. I could never put a finger on it. I just referred to it as the “undertow”.
So, I made a list of my feeling and emotions. Did an online search and guess where it led me. Narcissistic and borderline personality disorders. The light bulb went on. I started researching it. All the dots started to connect. Suddenly, all the situations and hurtful events started to make sense. But, the thing that hurt the most was that I also learned that I was probably never truly loved. I was just a supply to fill the needs.
Looking back now, all the dots have connected. Wow! Hit me like a train.

When I first met…we’ll call her ‘Bad Mama Jama’ ( I really want to change to that obnoxious warning alert that gets broadcast over the city loud speakers here in Nashville when a tornado is approaching..seems fitting to me) my first impression was that she was a complete “#$#@” (red flag). ..but beautiful.
We worked together at a restaurant. She was assigned to train me on my first day. I said, “Hello. Nice to meet you.” She said something like “Keep quiet and follow me”. (red flag) So, that was far as my interest went. Although, I do remember mentioning her to my brother that night when I got home. I told him that there was something about her.
But, after about a year and half something changed,. She was noticeably nicer.. to me. I remember thinking that she grew up. She then got flirty with me. I was flattered. I reciprocated. We began dating. I really felt like an average guy with a ‘hot babe’. My male co-workers were asking me how I pulled it off. Truth is I didn’t do anything really. It just happened. (This is where she decided I was her victim)
We began our relationship. She immediately made a very significant point that we agree not to ever cheat on each other. (red flag) “Of course not” I said. “I never have with anyone before. No problem.”
About a year or so later we moved across the country for my career. It turned into a difficult transition financially and emotionally for me. I was signed to a recording label and then it fell apart. Which really isn’t uncommon in the music business. I was having to rebuild. Instead of getting support and empathy, guess what happened? Yep..she started cheating on me. (gigantic red flag) I was blind-sided. I never even considered that from her. Now, I understand why she did it. It was the first time in our relationship where the perfect image was broken. I was now just a normal guy to her. So, she sought out a person with looks, physique, money… a person that she worked with that all the women were gaga over. She had an affair that lasted a few months. She lied over and over about what she did, where she was and with whom. She never showed any real remorse or guilt for that. She made statements like “oh, get over it” or “I can do what I want, we aren’t married”. (red flags) I stated that we are in a committed relationship and that we live together. To me it doesn’t mater if we are married. Hurt is hurt. She disagreed (red flag) She said she did it because I was miserable to be around. I figured that it was me that drove her to someone else. I told her that I was sorry to let her down and that it was it was my fault too. I was a door mat (red flags).
I decided that even after this that this is still the woman I love and I’m going to stick it out. After a few months I proposed. She said yes.
The wedding and honeymoon were great. But, there was something that my brother said during his best man speech that still just sticks with me. My brother is a funny guy, so his speech was lighthearted and fun. But, he made a comment about me being subservient to her. (red flag) I wondered if that was his impression of me and if he picked up on something I didn’t see.

Backing up. There was a moment when I first started dating BMJ when I was walking into a room and overheard my brother, sister and a close friend talking about her. What they were saying wasn’t nice or complimentary. (red flag) My father also never really liked her either. He jut tolerated her and was pleasant. Some other of my long time friends made comments over the years to me like “Dude, you have it rough”. At this point..I should have known. But, truthfully love is blind. I either ignored the signs or just didn’t see them. I should have been smacked.
About 3 years into the marriage we had a daughter. This would be the best gift I could think of. She is loved beyond words. I am so very thankful for the great relationship that I have with her.

About 5 years into our marriage the control I felt over me became too much. I asked for a temporary separation to re-evaluate. This apparently came as a shock to BMJ and sent her looking for help. She found it in a local church. Typically, this may be a good thing. At first it seemed that it was. She also became ‘born again’. The pressure for me to conform was there as well with sticky notes of scriptures on my computer, schedules for payer groups and bibles given to me repeatedly. Church has for the most part been part of our relationship. We went regularly. But, there is a point where it gets just beyond the fringe, disturbing and unhealthy. This continued to pick up steam for the next few years. I felt more and more invisible in the relationship but still joined her in the church activities. But, honestly, I really never enjoyed that particular church. There was a creep factor for me. The members had a high rate of turn over and I didn’t agree with much of the archaic, close-minded teachings. I made my resistance to this known to BMJ on several occasions. But, that push to get on board was still ever present.
This once again pushed me to my limit of over control. I was feeling that it wasn’t working again. At this time, I was performing in a show. After the show I was hanging out with the band. A woman approached me. She was stunningly beautiful. She was there working. She was in entertainment. We hit it off. I remember feeling like this was my chance to ‘get even’. My ego was certainly enjoying the boost. She hung out with us for drinks and all that. After a while we parted ways. I had kept her number in my wallet. I knew BMJ liked to go through my things. I knew she would find it. This was my way to address the elephant in the room. When she discovered the phone number and asked me about it, I told her. We separated again for almost a year this time. BMJ made a few livid phone calls laced with threats of burning in Hell and quotes from the bible to her. The relationship with her consisted of several phones calls over a few months and one meeting for lunch when I was performing in her area. That’s it. However, BMJ has always considered this to be a “full blown affair”. I agree that it was in very bad form and inappropriate on my part. But, far from a full affair. Far from what she did to me. I couldn’t allow myself to really cross the line. As hurt as I was and wanted revenge, my heart was still in my marriage. My discretion certainly was not even close to the level that she chose with her co-worker. They stayed nights together. Had many dates, phone calls and so on. BMJ and I stayed in touch and decided we’d try again with counseling. She insisted it be Christian based counseling. I agreed to it. However, what was happening was the more I would try to meet in the middle the expectations grew for me to be like her. (red flag)

I had my moment of clarity one evening while having a house warming party in the living room of home we had recently purchased. I absolutely loved this house. Still do. I wanted to grow old there. My heart sank when I looked around the room. We were in one large prayer circle before dinner. I was just looking around. I heard the pastor praying, other mumbling and speaking in tongues. I thought to myself that none of these people are my friends. I don’t connect with any of these people. Not even my wife. I am a stranger in my own home. I felt completely disregarded and invaded. I cannot live like this.
It got worse from there. The pool I just re-plastered was earmarked for baptisms. People were stopping by randomly and dropping off crosses for wall art. There were decals of scriptures put on the walls of a few rooms. It felt more like a church than a home. But, I sensed something else was wrong below the surface. So, I just keep paying close attention. BMJ invited me to the church fall ‘harvest fest”.
She looked me straight in the eye and just shrugged as if to say “How do you like that”. (red flag)
I left. Thinking back, I now believe in some way I was led there on purpose. Here’s why..
I had to find out what was going on so I opened to the last page of her journal. But, what happened here is a repeat of the same narcissistic behavior pattern of projecting the image of someone else. She desperately wants to create and fulfill that perfect picture. She will bulldoze right over anyone in the process completely unaware of the hurt and damage that is inflicted to create or project it.
I was at a crossroad.
I met with a friend who I considered to be level headed and has known us both for a long time for some feedback. I told him that I was going to bring up divorce with her. I also confided in family about my feelings. No one thought that my relationship was in a healthy condition nor had it been for a long time. So, I spoke with BMJ and brought up the idea of splitting up..divorce. I said I wasn’t sure but it’s on my mind. So, over the next several months we discussed it. During a few conversations things were said to me like “this is all your fault”, “get your $#@ together”. When I mentioned that her extreme religion was tearing our family apart she said, “that church is my family now”. (red flags and hurt). What was really happening was that I was being driven out of the marriage to make room for the pastor whom she was sure she would be with. (I saw where she had written that she had a vision from God that they would be together) She was backing me against a wall with no options and then completely blaming me. (big narc move)

So, we went through the process. We worked hard at staying friends. We didn’t stop spending time together. We called it ‘being friends”. (Terrible move) We still did most things together…except anything physical. I suggested it. But, was shot down for ‘religious reasons.’
I was still in love with her even after several months..a year. I hoped for a reconciliation. So, I decided to see what we were made of. For about a year I brought flowers at least once a week for her. I learned to cook and make her favorite dishes. I wrote her songs. Mailed her cute little notes and so on. She never really responded much to any of it. And never budged towards a reconciliation. I thought how could she not respond to any of this. (red flag) The last time I brought BMJ flowers this happened.. I picked up my daughter and her from the airport. I brought flowers for both of them. My daughter smiled and said, “Thank you Daddy”.
I found all this to be simply painful and just felt like torture. It was past time to set boundaries with how and when we spend time together. I told her about my boundaries. She continually ignored them (red flag) and kept right on calling..texting..stopping by my office.

So, what I discovered the last few years after being divorced is that BMJ was still trying to control me and I was feeling absolutely terrible. When I made that list of emotions that led to discover and figure out her narcissistic / borderline behavior all the dots started to connect. Suddenly, all the situations and hurtful events started to make sense. But, the thing that hurt the most was that I also learned that I was probably never truly loved. I was just a supply to fill the needs. I thought back and went through my feelings and the reasons I gave for asking for separations. Some were:

- Our relationship feels unbalanced
- Feels like a one way street
- My careers were criticized
- I was belittled in public
- Was always solely to blame for our issues
- I was always being controlled
- I felt like whatever I did never felt like it was enough
- Me or my interests weren’t respected
- Made comments about not being interested in what I had to say

A few months after figuring all this out she brought up reconciliation. I knew this was coming. Honestly, it was what I wanted. But, there had to be compromise…from both of us. Counseling too. The reason I knew this was coming is because a few days before she had to have a minor surgery.I could tell while she was lying in the hospital bed, looking at me as I was standing there with our daughter that me being there is that I truly care for her and what was once our family. In fact, over the last few years anytime she had called me when she was in need, I was there for her. This happened over and over. I remember her commenting once during that time about her wondering if she was in an accident or some situation if I would be there for her. Then, she answered her own question by saying, “of course you would.” I took it to mean she knows that I care and she can count on me. What she really meant was, ‘why wouldn’t you be there for me? I am most important after all.’ (red flag)
So, a few days later I got that call while in my car in the parking lot. One of the many stops there in the process of rebuilding my life. Ironic.
She said, she was thinking about getting back together. But, she needed three things from me so I could “win her back”. She used those exact words. (red flag)
The first thing was that I needed to stop being selfish and putting myself first. Second, I needed to stop playing music (my passion). Third, I needed to be the spiritual leader of the house. Clearly all these things were about her and not me. These are all just the same old control issues. Nothing has changed. She had not learned a thing or had any realizations. There is no compromise or middle ground.
As a note about BMJ’s surgery. She has had several procedures over her adult years. Nothing major. I’ve also had to rush her to the ER for a few things too. She commented to me that last time that in all our years together I have never had to go to the hospital. My thought was that she is so miserable deep inside that things want out. So, they are jumping ship. I don’t know if there is any truth in that..but, maybe.

I have to say that reading and learning about narcissistic and borderline behaviors actually helps alleviate some of the pain I’ve been going through. Now that I understand what happened. I now understand that the whole religion thing is just another projection. Now that I know it wasn’t completely my fault. I can now almost always anticipate what’s coming next with BMJ and not be so hurt or shocked. Typically, the best defense it to completely ignore any attempts of engaging. I’ve received numerous mean and spiteful texts. When, those don’t get a response, I’ll get something nice. I ignore those too. Same with phone calls. I let them go to voicemail. Her messages will be mean and then nice. A pattern. BMJ recently sent me an email asking why I won’t talk with her. I thought ‘ok. This is my opportunity to open her eyes that she truly needs help. I laid it out for her. I listed out several things that she does that hurts me and many of her friends that have come and gone. (She doesn’t really have any long-term friends)
I ended it with ‘get help. I’ll pay”.
Guess how she responded..
She called MY therapist. This was her great act of showing that she was willing to get help. My therapist told her he couldn’t see her, as it was conflict of interest. No doubt that BMJ knew this. He said he had several other therapists that he could recommend. She said no of course. That same day, she called my father, sister and a friend to tell them that she was worried about me. She told them that I was irrational and suicidal. Wow! This was her reaction to an email that called her out. (this put my suspicions of narcissism in concrete)
I haven’t really had more than one conversation with her since. It’s been 3 months. We have had very brief exchanges regarding our daughter. Each time she tried to engage me into something else I shut it down.

New Victim-
BMJ started dating a new guy. (Only a few weeks after asking me for reconciliation) Less than two weeks into the new relationship she introduced him to our daughter. I was furious. This was not even close to the boundaries set for this. This was the moment I decided I would completely shut our communication down outside of our daughter. I am very worried about the effect this might have on my little girl. BMJ texted me to tell me she needed to speak with me about our daughter’s ‘well being’.
She said she needed to meet me. I knew this is bait for something else. I have learned it all too well. I texted back that I couldn’t meet and that she should call me that evening if it’s about our daughter. She responded with mean and accusing texts. I ignored them. She called me that night and told me about how our girl has been acting out, crying and saying ‘why is daddy hurting me like this’, ‘why doesn’t he love me’. I can honestly say that when I am with my daughter I don’t see any of that. What I see if a very happy, loving child. I told BMJ that I never see that behavior. I also suggested that her rushing into a new relationship so quickly could be the reason for that. She disagreed, blamed me and said I had better get used to it because she getting married in a few months. I hung up.

Crazy is a crazy does.. (Forrest Gump)

Ugh. There it is . My story.

Mar 20 - 8PM
Nomoredrama
Nomoredrama's picture

stay strong

Mar 21 - 6AM (Reply to #8)
jm7719631
jm7719631's picture

Thanks. I do have both of

Mar 20 - 7PM
Stand.STRONG
Stand.STRONG's picture

welcome

Mar 21 - 6AM (Reply to #6)
jm7719631
jm7719631's picture

Thanks. I do have both of

Mar 20 - 6PM
Brit
Brit's picture

You can't make the heart feel

Mar 21 - 6AM (Reply to #4)
jm7719631
jm7719631's picture

Very true.

Mar 20 - 6PM
sparky
sparky's picture

Welcome. Yeah, you hit the

Mar 21 - 6AM (Reply to #2)
jm7719631
jm7719631's picture

Be glad you figured it out