randomflag's story - 2

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#1 Mar 6 - 6PM
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randomflag's story - 2

Nightmare...

I've already shared my story once but it keeps getting worse.

Around 6 months ago I was in a bad place with work. I was verbally abused and was nearly bullied out of my job. Unbeknown to me at that time, my self esteem was already at an all time low, so when a 'friend' offered her support, I lapped it up.

She went to great lengths to help me with my work issues, spending a couple of evenings checking the law on workplace bullying, offering to help me if I decided to make a complaint and treating me trips to the local coffee shop. She would always shower me with compliments. I would text her to say thanks and how much of a brilliant person she was.

I started to realise I had very strong feelings for this lady and I began to question my sexuality. I never felt sexually attracted to her, only a strong emotional attachment that had a very addictive quality. I was too scared to mention it to my fiancé.

Over the coming weeks she started being very flirtatious. Winking at me on nights out, saying that she had feelings for me and that she was gay. I tried to ignore her comments but I couldn't stop hanging out with her as I was addicted and without her I felt empty and afraid.

Things came to a head one night when we went out as a group of friends. We had a lot to drink and we were discussing the future and our careers. I mentioned to a friend that I'd probably like to travel next year and she interrupted by asking a few questions that were presented like it would affect her.

Later on in the evening she begged me to stay in the country and started sobbing. I don't know if it was because of the alcohol but something deep inside me knew she wasn't being genuine and I blurted out that she should stop acting because we all knew that she had been involved professionally in the theatre before we met her. In a flash her personality changed and she became very defensive, asking what my problem was and why I was being so hurtful.

We got very drunk and I ended up kissing her.

In the morning I was distraught. I thought I'd lost my friends and my fiancé. I phoned her for advice and she coldly text me saying that she was busy and that she'd reply in a couple of hours. She'd always been so helpful and she wasn't there when I needed her. I decided to brave my fiancé and I told him everything. Luckily he didn't see it as a problem and he could tell I was in a bad state. He was just upset that I couldn't have told him sooner.

When I finally got through to her, she made me suffer. She said that she didn't remember me kissing her and when I told her she couldn't stop laughing. I told her that I was distraught and she just laughed even more, especially when I mentioned I thought I was going to lose my fiancé.

She denied all the flirting and I was left in shock.

I panicked and told all my friends about what had happened. Too late...she had got there first and they didn't believe me when I told them about the flirting. They said I was probably imagining things I wanted to see because I was 'in love' with her (gas lighting?) and that I should just be honest and accept my sexuality, stop living in denial and dump my fiancé!

It was then when I started to realise I had been duped. I had been made out to be a confused, lesbian cheater who was now crazily angry with the angelic friend that had helped her so much in the past.

It took me months of reading to start to try and figure out what had happened. I was very vulnerable at that time and I have always been a people pleaser because I now believe my father was a narcissist...

...basically he was a very pushy patent, controlling to the point of criticising the way I ate and how much noise I made when I breathed. I have never ever felt good enough and knowing what I know now he is very subtly abusive. I noticed the other day something I would have never picked up on before...he said, "the sun shows up dust in the house doesn't it?" Basically commenting on how dirty my house was without actually saying it. If I had of replied he would have said something like, "don't be so paranoid and defensive."

I have since been no contact with the girl and I have been working on me. I've come a very long way but the relationship with my father is strained. I am getting there but I'm sad that I've lost a few of the girls and they've stopped talking to me. Their loss I know but it's so difficult to stay true to what you believe in. Sometimes a little doubt arrises where I question myself. Perhaps I am paranoid, maybe I did see things I wanted to see.

Luckily my fiancé has helped me through this and our relationship is very strong now because I'm less needy, more open and honest with my feelings.

Any comments would be helpful. Thanks.