Needtobedone's Story

Time to face the facts

Hi everyone,
I am new to the forum but have read just about every word on this site as I try to come to terms with the fact that the man I've been involved with for over a year is a sociopathic narcissist. I had seen the discrepancies in his stories since the very beginning, and yet let them go. I was so caught up in his charm and attention I didn't want to pay attention to my own instincts, and I let myself fall deeply in love. Even now, though I'm not in love with him any more, I still want to know what is going on with him, secretly hope he will contact me (which he did, two days ago), and am having a very difficult time facing the fact that I will have to go into No Contact mode. I need to share the story here, to get it out in front of people who understand the turmoil, the doubt, that we go through when involved with someone like this.

My involvement with him started through a dating site - in the spirit of full disclosure, I am married, but my husband and I were on the rocks and had an agreement to see other people for awhile. I reached out to him first, heard a bit back, and then he went silent. I was really interested, so after a couple of months I reached out to him again. Miraculously, he was right there! Right. Miraculous. We struck up an online conversation and he was instantly "in synch" with me, extremely charming, smart, funny. Presented himself as an artist. Wounded vet. Name dropped several famous chefs he had consulted for. OKAY - how many warning signs are there just in that phase of things? I appear vulnerable, successful, and he is romantic, has integrity, and is "wounded". Perfect recipe. I kept my guard up, but was so taken in by him that it was weak.

We met in person, and it was wonderful. Of course. Completely romantic, exciting. Impulsive. He paid for things, took me places I hadn't been (and I'm not someone who is stuck at home much, so that was a real treat), and seemed to know everything about, well, everything. Food, wine, music, travel, art, - you name it. After three dates, we became intimate. And of course, after that, his funds seemed to dry up and I was footing the bill for everything. Did I care? No, I was wrapped up in "helping" him. He was wounded, struggling, healing. Trying to find his way.

As things progressed over the year, I would make it very very clear that I didn't care if he was seeing other people - this was a relationship of convenience. I meant it, mostly. I asked him only to be honest with me so I knew the lay of the land. Of course, he assured me time and time again he would be.

I asked direct questions about whether or not he was seeing someone, and he said no, time and time again. Of course, he was. Living with her, actually. Lied to her even about the fact that he was married to someone else. Even about other things,I had to play 20 questions to get any details out of him. And then they would conflict. Gaps and conflicts in his personal history, inflated credentials, lies about his activities which would surface through Facebook comments by others. Every time I would confront him, he would sidestep, or convince me I was overreacting or misinterpreting things.

I paid for everything over the course of the year, including very expensive dinners, tickets to events, even a plane ticket. And during that visit he had the audacity to spend time with the other woman. Maybe even two. During that trip I asked him about a woman who had recently started appearing on Facebook. He said he had dated her before me, but there was no magic. Well, now, he's living with her. An extremely wealthy artist, older, alone, in the location he wanted to live. So he's living on her dime, I can see by his posts he's using the same lines and tricks on her, and even professing to share her religious views. Which completely contradict what he had told me he believes. Same story, new chapter.

It all sounds so trivial when I write it down. I'm only out about $2,500 dollars. He broke my heart because I allowed myself to get sucked in, but I have a (now) very happy marriage and good life. Yet the hold he has on my emotions is ridiculous, detrimental, and I have lost so much trust and faith in myself because I believed him and let him in. I guess somewhere in the back of my mind I am hoping he will change, or that I was wrong, and we can have some sort of meaningful relationship. Even if it's just as friends. I KNOW that isn't true, but I guess my heart keeps hoping my head is wrong. And why, for heaven's sake? My head firmly knows that he is not worth one second of my attention. I guess convincing the heart is a difficult thing when it doesn't like what it is hearing.

I think most of all, I'm wondering how on earth I could have betrayed myself.