Miss Handbasket's Story

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#1 Feb 20 - 10AM
Miss Handbasket
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Miss Handbasket's Story

About a year ago, I met my ex-boyfriend on an online game. He messaged me and came on pretty strong. After a brief period of chatting, we discovered that we lived only a four hour’s drive apart. He started pressuring me to meet him in person and commit to an exclusive relationship. I was reluctant to meet him since I had only been single for about six months and wanted to be finished emotionally with the old relationship before beginning a new one. We continued to communicate online in the game as well as via e-mail, phone, and Skype. After we’d been talking for about a month, he shocked me by telling me that he thought that he was in love with me and really needed to meet me in person to see if the connection that he felt was real. I told him that I couldn’t grasp the concept of falling in love with someone whom I’ve never met in person. He dismissed my concern by telling me that I was different from the previous women in his life. I ignored both this huge red flag and my gut instinct and met him in person. We skipped dating and went straight into an instant commitment.

Not too long after, I started noticing things about his behavior that bothered me. When we’d go out, he didn’t hesitate to point out to me the women he saw who he found attractive. Occasionally one would remind him of a former lover, and he’d launch into a detailed description of her and their sexual encounters. At first, I shrugged this off as his being comfortable enough with me to talk about these things, even though I felt uncomfortable listening to these explicit stories about his exes.

I also noticed that he spent all of his time online in the game where we met, meeting new women and flirting with them, sometimes right in front of me. Since he didn’t have a job, he would spend probably eight to ten hours a day logged into the game. I couldn’t understand why a man in a relationship who claimed to be in love wanted to spend so much time online collecting female acquaintances. I jokingly referred to them as his harem. Sometimes, he would ignore my texts, calls, and Skype dates because he was online spending time with one of these female friends. When I tried to talk to him about it, he said that I had an irrational jealousy problem because I couldn’t accept his “platonic” online female friends and “harmless” flirting. He felt that I was trying to control his life by being unhappy with what he was doing – it was my problem not his because I’m insecure. He said that he wasn’t going to see me again until I got my jealousy under control.

Thinking that I was abnormal compared to other women, I actually believed him and read every book I could get my hands on about jealousy. He knew what I had been doing and we started seeing each other again. About a month later, he came to me and admitted that I had been right to feel jealous. He’d been having an emotional affair with a woman online. He said that it was over and that he’d chosen me. He expected for me to be his shoulder to cry on and wanted me to listen to him talk about how she’d broken his heart. When I tried to talk to him about what his behavior had done to me, my ability to trust him, and how I felt betrayed, he stopped me and said that he didn’t want to keep going over what happened and just wanted to move forward because, “This is how I want it, so this is how it will be.”

Nothing about his behavior changed. He started developing a weekly “crush” on a new female acquaintance who he’d met online in the game. He would tell me about each one, using flowery superlatives to describe them. When I tried to talk to him about how I was feeling, he would break-up with me, give me the silent treatment for two days, and then come back to work things out. There was a string of these female friends, so this pattern repeated many times.

After we’d been together for about six months, he flew half-way across the country to spend a week with one of his online, platonic female friends. I was outraged. He broke up with me again because I didn’t trust him, and in his words, “I need to be trusted.” When the trip was over, he came right back to me expecting me to be okay with the trip.

Finally, I asked him to come in town early one weekend because I’d been having an especially rough time at work and wanted to see him. At the last minute, he canceled his trip with no explanation. When I expressed my disappointment with him, he broke up with me again and informed me that he was involved in an online-only relationship that he had no plans to end. At that point, I went on a verbal tirade and really let him have it. He said that he was afraid of me and that I needed to seek counseling to get help with my emotionally abusing him. I believed him and entered a counseling program.
We didn’t see each other for four months but still talked occasionally. He confided in me that he had an addiction to the game and wanted to change. He said that he wanted to work things out with me. The night before Valentine’s Day, he texted me to apologize that he’d lead me on for so long because he had no intention of our getting back together. I think he purposely chose that date to tell me.

Now, I haven’t talked to him in a week. I have his calls, texts, e-mails, and other messages blocked. I’m still in counseling, but this time the focus is on learning how to have healthy relationships. I have talked to the counselor about my ex-boyfriend’s narcissistic traits, and she won’t validate my thoughts that he’s narcissistic.

What do you think?

Feb 20 - 2PM
Miss Handbasket
Miss Handbasket's picture

Thank You...

Feb 20 - 1PM
talktothehand
talktothehand's picture

Miss Handbasket

Feb 20 - 10AM
Garden
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Just my opinion, but yes. To