Pearly's Story

PROLOGUE - The Meeting
I meet him 12 years ago.
I am newly separated and dating for the first time in many years. I am still raising children. And while I find him confident and intriguing, I can't see him fitting into my present reality. And I recognize enough arrogance in him to realize that I wouldn't be right for him either. So the relationship doesn't progress.

ACT I - The Pursuit
Fast forward 10 years.
I run into him again online. I recognize him by some unique details about him and I remember that I found him intriguing and so I let the pursuit begin. And we reconnect. My kids are all grown. My situation is different. Maybe it could work this time. The things he says make me nervous... he "only had to glimpse my photo on facebook to know that I was the one for him." He knew that there must be "divine influence" to allow us to "find each other" again. "What are the chances?" It must be "right." Cautious at first, I let him pull me in. No one has been that interested in me in forever. He seems to accept me as I am, flaws and all. He supports me and tries to improve my life...buys me a bike so that we can bike together, exercises with me, clears places in his apartment for me to put my things, lends me money, suggests ways to improve my financial situation, buys a car for my commute. Everything seems to be lining up. His pursuit is relentless, and I push my worries aside. I ask myself "don't I deserve to be loved like this? Isn't it time for me to have a relationship that's just for me? Why shouldn't I be happy?" I move in.

ACT II - The Reality Sets In
Fast forward 2 years.
I have fallen from the pedestal. My feet are made of clay. I alternate between being the "love of his life" and "frustrating" and "confusing" him because I am not toeing the line and doing things just his way. He alternately gives and withholds affection depending on whether he approves of my actions. We seek counseling but he sees no flaw with his controlling behaviors and insists that I "just don't know how to receive love." I realize that everything he has given me or done for me comes with a very high price. It was never really for me... it was for him. A counselor carefully helps me to gain some perspective..."why are you with him?" she asks. I honestly can't say. Except that I am in love. Things don't change. I decide that this isn't what I want. I am not loved, I am a possession. This is not love - nothing is unconditional with him - there are expectations with every gesture of help, affection or kindness. We fight. Drama ensues. I leave to take a break. He relapses into alcohol abuse. He goes to rehab "for me" and my guilt brings me back. There is a second honeymoon period after rehab. He makes promises. But it doesn't take long for things to slip back. I am treated coldly for multiple reasons... my positive relationships with my adult children, my collaborative relationship with my ex husband, my female friendships, my commitment to my work, my pursuit of hobbies and outside fulfillment... my cell phone! He hates when I send or receive a text or play a game of words with friends with far away relative. He tracks my locations on an iPhone app because he "loves me" and wants to know "when he can expect me home." Apparently I exist only for him and our relationship is the only one I should have time for. My relationship with the most important person - myself - has become non-existent. I realize that there is no hope... but I am not sure how to escape safely. I so distrust him. And worry about his reaction. What will he do to me?

ACT III - New Possibilities
2 months ago.
I secretly find an apartment. I pay the deposit. I hide the evidence and plot how I will leave. I practice ignoring his cold and insulting behaviors. I keep my secret. My holiday break begins. While he is at work, I pack things up and bit by bit, I take my things to my new place. I do it calculatedly, so that he won't notice. I am a rock on the outside and an emotional mess on the inside. But I keep my resolve. I still don't know how I will make my final escape. I wait for the right timing.

ACT IV - The Escape
Christmas Day.
Another fight about me visiting with my ex-husband and our adult children. He is "wounded" and "disrespected" and "marginalized." I have "betrayed" him by spending a few hours away. He "only wants to be with me." Big drama. He tells me to I should leave if I don't like the way things are. He has know idea that in actuality, I already had, and I pack the rest of my things and move into my new place.

Three weeks ago.
My lawyer recommends no contact. I stop responding to his emails and texts. Block him from my Facebook. I can do this. I look for support online and recognize that I am not the only one. My resolve heightens. I have dodged a bullet. I am in survival mode.

Act V - The Recovery
Today.
I am trying to recover. The highs were so high with him. But the lows were so low. I know I am better off alone. I am working on building back the relationships that had been lost with friends and family. But most important - I am rediscovering myself. I am pursuing my interests. Setting goals. Thinking about my future. MY future. And it is hard. I can't seem to successfully push him from my daily thoughts. But what other choice did I have? Now my focus has to be on me and understanding what it is in me that allowed me to ignore all the obvious signs and allow myself to be drawn into a relationship that was so destructive to my own growth and self-esteem. I can NEVER allow that to happen again. I am trying to move out of the blame stage. I don't want to blame myself and I don't want to blame him. Instead, I want to understand myself to know what allowed me to put myself in that situation. And I want my life back. Now that I'm clear on what I need to do, I am figuring out how to make it happen.

EPILOUGUE - Hope for the Future
May we all find OURSELVES to be the pearl in the oyster!