josiekl's story

Josie's story

I came across this blog a couple of month while searching online grasping to find some miracle words or cure to fix my broken heart and give me the strength to leave the year of hell I have been living.
First of all I married young at 20. That marriage lasted about 3 yrs. He was very controlling and mentally abusive. Fortunately he left me for another woman. I thought my life was over, although it became a relief because I was out of the emotional misery I lived in for the 5 yrs we were together. I swore I would never live that way again.
I never remarried, had a couple of relationships, one I lived with, but remaining years I have been single, dating here and there. I built a successful career, bought a beautiful home & had the best friends and family I could ask for. Single life didnt bother me.
My Mom passed unexpectedly about 2 yrs ago. I am an only child w/a small family, no children. I decided then I no longer wanted to live my life alone.
I decided to try online dating... December 2011 I met my narc on EHarmony. We talked for few wks before meeting. We met 2 days before Christmas, and it felt like an amazing connection.
He had relocated here with his job and really had no friends & wasn't really connected to his family. Red flag# 1. He had moved here w/someone & said she cheated on him & moved out one day while he was at work, he was devastated. I later put it together and believe she left that way because she didnt have a choice & feared for her life.
As the weeks progressed he swept me off my feet and wanted to spend every possible minute with me (was actually taking control of me).
He started pushing for us To move in together. I was madly in love but had hesitation.
We had our first big fight in February. We were apart almost a week, but not broken up. That Sat morn, he showed up, and i Thought we made up...That night his texts were strange & he avoided my calls said he was out w/ friends in another town & was staying overnight. I had a feeling so I went there Sunday morning and another woman had stayed he night. I was crushed!
I was ready to end it, but he convinced me it was ok because he thought we were broke up...
We argued off and on some but nothing big. We discussed moving in together in April. One week before we had a huge fight & he became violent. I thought it was ok because he didnt directly hit me, just shoving, grabbed me by my hair...but I was not comfortable moving in with this man, so I told him we should wait. He blamed me because he didnt have enough money to pay his rent since he thought he was moving in, so I loaned him$500 which he promised to pay back. Never happened. Excuse after excuse about why I didn't deserve to be repaid, I hadn't earned it back.
It continued downhill, but. I loved this man & was addicted to him. He cheated several more times, had online dating accounts he would hop on/off when we fought.
He was very sexual and it was months before I realized at times I was being sexually abused.
It was always my fault he slept with other women, it was my punishment for not taking care of him how he felt I should. He would also make me do things at times when I didn't want to and tell me it was punishment for stupid things, working late, etc.
As the months went on, I realized this man was a monster. There were 2 more incidents of violence and I thank god I survived w/out major injury. He flat out told me women were put on this earth to drain his sac as he referred to it. That all women were nothing but cumdumpsters. I was in shock at this point! I chalked it up to him just mouthing when he was mad.
By this point he had complete control of me, he had become my priority, I let myself, my responsibilities fall behind. I had to keep trying to prove to his man I loved him!
The past 3 months he has told me we are not in a relationship and he's moving on, yet continued to control and make the same demands on me.
The sad part is when things were good, I loved my time with him, but when it was bad it was hell.
I started pulling away and went no contact several times, longer each time. I knew I could never have a relationship w/him but kept giving in and spending time w/ him.
Well it finally happened, he met someone else and I am completely discarded. They have been dating a week, he has told me he is in love and she takes care of him better than I ever did, blah,blah.
However I find myself devastated! I suffered a year of hell only to be discarded like trash. I know it is the best thing that could've happened to me, but it hurts horribly and I'm so angry. How dare him...
The emotional and degrading abuse I suffered is almost unimaginable, his thoughts are so twisted.
I have joined this forum as I am gaining the strength to keep this monster out of my life, because I know if this new supply fails, he's headed right back in my direction.
I am now relearning how to live again and live for me. The support and encouragement on this site is giving me the hope I can move forward and heal. I have encountered many amazing women here.
I can't say how relieving it was just to share my story. I pray that as we share experiences here we can bond together and heal for a brighter future!