sunshine31's story

Sunshine31 not so pretty story

Here is the story of the last 10 years of my life...I know that this site does not pass any judgement and I'm glad because I pass judgement on myself every single day.

I met my N, Ned, on June 12, 2003. He was married as was I, both for about 11 years. He was very unhappy in his marriage and I was too. We became best friends and emailed, texted and talked all day long. He was completely charming and I was totally charmed by him.

At this point I was on marriage counselor #3 with my husband and very frustrated at his inability to make any changes to save our marriage. I am a firm believer in therapy, I think that therapy has saved my life. My husband, on the other hand, thinks it's a bunch of BS.

Ned and I had a very crazy relationship. He would be charming and then he would disappear on me. I always knew where he was physically, he lives a block from me in a very small house with his wife and 4 kids but he would just disappear from the texting etc. My friends called him Who as a nickname for Houdini because he would often just disappear. I on the other hand would tell him he was Sybil or Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I saw so many different personalities in him throughout the years.

His wife hated me and I can completely understand why. We all hung out in the same group of "friends" and she and I were very nice to each other but she was in a marriage with a N and he was working on his supply while totally making her feel like she was crazy. I didn't know this at the time. I did see him bring her to her knees once over a phone call. I told him to leave her alone and he said "I can't just let that go." He would tell me of stories of him getting BJ's from other woman at his workplace (he said BJ's weren't sex.) I don't know why but I didn't think anything of it. We were not sexually involved at this point so I just let it go.

We continued to have a roller coaster relationship for several more years before we started to have an intimate relationship. He was not very supportive of me, he was not very affectionate or emotional at most times, he was very self centered and it was always about him. He would put me down quite a bit. I would give, give, give and he would take, take, take. Because his wife didn't like me she would often tell him that he couldn't talk to me and he would just disappear from my life like that. He did this quite often but he would always come back. One time we didn't talk for almost a year and I text him one day about the Boston Red Sox and it was on again from there.

There are a few things that I should point out. Ned didn't have many friends, he hated his job, he hated just about everything. We would go out on drives and he would be cursing at the world for cutting him off or slowing down. One time a friend of mine was in the car with us for like 15 minutes and she got out and said "OMG, he is an angry man!" Ned also has 4 kids who are fresh and disrespectful. He has erectile dysfunctional, I faked orgasms almost always and his wife finally left him for another woman!!! Yes, you read right, another woman. We had a ton of passion. I don't know how or why????

We both got separated about 3 years ago. I have proceeded with my divorce he is still married and his wife lives with her girlfriend. He has his kids all week and she has them on weekends. Two are in college and two are home.

I think I had come from such a dysfunctional family growing up. My mom was a single, unwed mom who was very young and I was often left alone and never felt needed or cared for. I realize now I was trying to save him from himself.

Although he was separated from his wife she still lived with him until about a year ago. After she moved out things got really bad.... After reading what I have read about Narcs apparently he no longer had his supply from her so I was getting it from every angle. He would get angry at the smallest stuff. He screamed at me on one occasion and told me to "get the fuck out of my house!' My friend picked me up and she, to this day, can not even stomach him. He was always texting secretly. He at one point D & D me and went on a blind date which he said was an absolute disaster. I found out about that because he got a parking ticket and I saw it on his counter and I saw the date and he was caught and had to confess. He would always say he was texting his kids but I'm sure that was not the case.

Let me jump to my recent experience which has led me to this site and to NC and to blocks on everything and to driving completely around the town to get out of my house so that I don't have to pass his....

One December 12, 2012 we were out to dinner and making plans for New Year's. We were gonna go away to see a comedian that he liked and enjoy the evening. He was acting a bit weird so I asked him if something was up. He said that he felt he needed to have a break after New Year's to be alone!!! LOL!! We just got our food and his phone kept getting a text and I could see because for once he left his phone out on the table, which he usually hid. It was his daughter a couple of times. He was being very open about his phone so I actually commented on how nice it was that he wasn't hiding. I asked him if he was already in a relationship. He looked me in the eyes four times and said no. I asked him if he was texting anyone or emailing or if he had started anything and he again said no. His text went off and I saw that it was from Sally Smith. He picked up his phone real quick, cleared it and put it back down. I asked him who it was and he said it was my daughter again. I said "oh that's funny, I saw Sally Smith." He said "what Sally would be calling me?" I grabbed the phone quickly and played cat and mouse with it. We were in a busy restaurant so he couldn't be aggressive, which he wasn't usually. His face turned white when I put his password in, when someone texts as much as he did it was hard not to see his password, and I said "oh, your daughter huh, it says Sally Smith." I threw the phone at him and left the restaurant. I had driven so I thankfully had my car. OH NO, I couldn't just leave him stranded, I picked him up and acted like a crazy f'ing nut all the way home. I screamed the whole ride that he was a liar, a cheat and abuser. When I got to his house I told him to get the fuck out and never call me, email me or text me again. He said "you fucking cunt, you wouldn't even let me explain!" What on earth was there to explain? I drove off and hit him with the door of my car. I am a very normal person who was acting like a crazy lunatic. He did that to me.

I have 2 beautiful, well adjusted children. I have an ex husband who I get along with very amicably, I have tons of friends, I am outgoing and this man made me a fucking lunatic.

He took Sally Smith to the comedian with him for the weekend of New Years. He text me on New Year's Day to tell me how sorry he was and how much he missed me and thought of me all weekend. He wanted to talk and explain "everything" to me. He loved me so much. I fell for this and let him explain. We wound up having sex, which sucked but had passion, which I still don't get. He said that it wasn't cheating on her as long as it was with me. WTF? He told me he had sex with Sally. I asked him about the E.D and what he told her and he said that he told her once that he drank too much, one time he took a little blue pill and that one time he told her that the little guy sometimes had a problem getting up. (it is very little) He said that she said "don't worry about it to him." Why on earth was I looking for this information.

We had a few encounters since then but on Friday I finally asked him to not contact me anymore ever. He replied with "I will call you and you can just say no." I sent him a goodbye email and he had a beautiful,loving response about how if we are meant to be together we will be together and he wouldn't reach out to me, he would "let" me walk away. I didn't think I needed to block cuz he gave me his "word." He text me last night that he was sorry that he was rude and didn't wave hi to me when I passed him in town. You will all be happy to know that I did NOT RESPOND, for my very first time, I felt tons of anxiety, I came on the site and read, called my CODA sponsor and worked through the anxiety. I signed up today for the group sessions and one on one with Goldie and can not wait to feel better.

I can not explain my feelings for this man still. I do think he loved me in the only way he knew how. It just wasn't the way I know love. I wanted so badly to have our happily ever after even after all the shitty shit we went through. My therapist tells me it was all a fantasy that helped me to escape from my marriage and childhood, which I work on daily. I now trust in a power higher than myself who can bring my life back to peace and serenity.

Thanks so much for letting me get that out.

xoxo