1 January 2013
There are so many questions dancing around in my brain that I can't seem to answer, so much dishonesty and disloyalty I just don't know who you are, but then surely that's the million dollar question, mayyou you've never changed, maybe this has always been the true you. Perhaps you pulled the wool so well over my eyes I thought I knew you but I didn't. Because I really can not seem to answer that little tiny questin in the back of my mind, 'why?'.
Why would you suddenly wake up one morning and think, 'today I am depressed and so I am going to take speed?" - what did you have to be depressed about? A loving wife, a wonderful son, family? A roof over your head? A car you could drive whereever whenever and you certainly did that didn't you? Were you bored? Then do something in the house - get a job, bu no, your wife (me) can work 8 hours a day, come home, clean, cook, wash up and rest for an hour before going to bed and getting up to start all over again, whilst you sleep on the sofa, get up, do the school and work drop off, rest for 8 hours, pick up from school and me at work and then you put your feel back up and wait for your dinner. Maybe I was a gool to do it all but I got so sick of you moaning and groaning and causing an agrument about me asking you to to any tiny little thing for me. I just gave in. I am not a fool Darren and that's exactly how you treated me wasn't it. I had a realisation one day back in November during one of our many arguments that I was being taken for a fool and it's not a nice feeling at all that, that man, who you loved to the bottom of your heart, that you would do absolutely anything for, is trating yo ulike an idiot. You see Darren I worked out your pattern of behaviour a long time ago, we would get money, you would have some of that money to yourself, that night you would visit your family (appparently), you would then spend three nights on the sofa and at the end of these three nights the neights would start 'playing up' apparently, you would then shout and scream at me, we would have an argument in which you would call me such nasty things, I was a slag, my skirts are getting too short for work, I had screwed up your head and I was screwing your son's head up, I was worse than my own sister, I couldn't support you standing outside the house and shouting, your son would be better off without me, as would you, you did better when you and your son were on your own, how the hell did I get to be a secretary as I was so thick, you've hit rock bottom since you've been with me, you believe that I screwed up my first marriage and my first husbands head up, and lets face it, the last few arguments we have you pushed me over, you shouted in my face, you slapped me, you threw tea at me, you smashed the back door, you dented the walls with the stool in a rage.
When I waslked out Darren that there was something definitely not right, especially with you demanding money all the time, and then I realised you were taking money from my mum's account and mine, when I realised that that is what you were doing I changed the pin numbers and you had to admit you blocked my mum's card, that's when the jigsaw started fiting into place and yes I started checking your pockets because I knew there was something you wasn't telling me. I found the cash converter receipts for the DS's you sold (my Christmas present). I kept quiet, I hoped it wasn't true, I cried in secrecy at work so you couldn't see how much you were destroying me as according to you I was destroying you and making your life a living nightmare, and shortly after that after a few weeks of wondering why, you would want so much money each week, you needed more than the £70 you were getting in benefits I had the ultimate destroyer, a receipt from cash coverters for your wedding ring. Your WEDDING RING Darren, remember that day? 6 August 2011. I love you more than life itself. I believed I had truely honestly found my soul mate. I thought we honsetly would be together for ever, tut that very night was your very first broken promise when you got absolutely paralytic on alcohol that you decided to have a huge got at me in our honeymoon suite, cased me around the bedroom and then passed out on the floor, leaving your new wife standing there wondering how to get out of her wedding dress. So we got over that, went to Spain, you spent a lot of our hoenymoon sleeping, things were quiet for six months for so and then the money started to go, I was told my your ex friend that you were taking drugs and stealing money, but I didn't believe her as we were stronger than her and she just wanted to destroy you after a falling out. Then I saw a text message on your phone from your brother 'shall i bring the stuff?' - so that was speed?
And so February to December, a good eight months of lying, stealing, deceiving, slating me for everything I did, everything I said, deformating my character, trying to get me to be that little wife that just would ask no questions, expect her husband to do whtever whenever he wanted. No questions asked. And really honestly Darren when I took us to that lodge on holiday that was my first wedding anniversary present to you, because I love you so much and I just wanted us to spend some time with just the two of us, right about that time I didn't feel very good about myself but I couldn't talk to you about it as your line be "do we always have to talk about you"?but right about that time my husband didn't want any initimacy anymore, he wouldn't look twice at me, he never slept in the same bed, sex would be on his terms only and never face to face but always from behind so you couldn't see my face, is it any wonder I started to question what was wrong with me? that you wanted a mother replacement in the house and sex on demand but you didn't want someone to be intimate with, or need someone to be close to. That anniversary present to you confirmed it to me, that was when I figured out that there must be something else in your life making you happy, because I couldn't, especially as all you did on that lodge holiday was scream and shout at me.
So September, October, November was spent stealing money for your next fix when I realised you were taking money out of the acccounts I changed the pin numbers and spent the majority of the day cryoing at work,
And you accused me of putting my work in front of everything else, because quite honestly I would rather be there than at home with you being mean.
I could never ever tell you how low you made me feel, you did rip my heart completely out of my chest, rip it up into little pieces and put it out with the trash. Because that’s how you made me feel. You found another love of your life, drugs.
Pick you head up out of your lap Darren you still have a wonderful son, a son who every day makes you proud and you still have a roof over your head and food in the cupboard, you really are not doing badly. Me myself I’ve had some time away to think, put my feelings into some proper perspective. I’ve done some research into drugs and it’s interesting as all the come down facts are true. You are always going to be looking or hoping for that next big high. So I will never be enough for you, kind of puts our wedding day and our loving relationship into perspective. I am sorry but that’st not what I want for my future. I want a man that will love me unconditionally who I can love back, carrying on changing Darren for yourself more than anything, for me there were just too many lies, dishonesty, mistrust and hurt to ever forgive, the stuff marriages are not made of. And we can’t ever erase the past, it can’t be a slap on the hand, don’t do it again, you’ve destroyed me totally and I am not sure I could every trust you again or forgive you.
You were meant to be my foreever after, my fairytale ending, my love and my life, my absued my trust, my love and me, this is my goodbye to you Darren.
I loved you so much Darren, I just wish you could have loved me back but you had another love that you put first.