mystified62's story

My Story/Mystified62

Part 1
My story will be kind of long, first I would like you to know that I have suffered with agoraphobia,panic attacks, low self-esteem etc.. most of my life. I have found a great therapist that I've been seeing for the last year. I'm telling my story, but still not quite sure if he was a narc or not, I don't know if he acted the way he did because he was an alcoholic and abused prescription drugs or whatever he could get his hands on. I was the OW, and I was/am married too. He was a neighbor, his son became friends with mine not long after we moved here, my son was 12 and his son was 9 at the time,his 7 yr old daughter started coming over too, I took his kids in as if they were my own, they were more at my house than they were at home, for about 2 years I never met the parents, until a 4th of July, 2 of my friends came over, and we were in my front yard, he came staggering across the street to my house. (I did not know what to expect, because some of the neighbors warned me about him, that he was unstable and that the cops were called to their house often,)he started talking sexual things to my friends,(he didn't know them or me) my friends told him to go home, and we went to my backyard, and he left. the next day his wife came over and said that her husband said that my friends were flirting with him and wanted him, I told her no they did not, I did not tell her what her husband was saying to my friends which was very vulgar and rude to say the least, because I did not want to cause any trouble, as I didn't know them, I just excused his behavior due to him being so drunk, My husband always left for work around 7:30 or 8:00 pm, a couple of weeks had passed and he started coming over after my husband had left for work and saying he was checking on the kids or that is was time for them to come home,(after 2 years of not checking on them). He started conversations with me, actually he talked about himself, his childhood, family etc.... He seemed so kind and sweet and funny, this was not the same guy that the neighbors warned me about, and what he said to my friends, I just related it to the alcohol.he started coming over about every night for the next few months staying for 3 and 4 hrs, at the time talking away. he started talking about his wife, and how terrible she treated him and the kids, and that she was a phsycho etc.. he would talk about ex girlfriends and all of them were phsycho I felt so sorry for him and the kids, How could anyone treat a man like this that was so kind and sweet and caring?? I fell for everything he told me hook line and sinker.(so stupid) We always sat on my front porch,(that is enclosed). One night we were sitting there, and he said he was attracted to me, (I did not see that coming) and he was drinking. he said he had been watching me the last couple of years, I said um... I'm married and your married, I said I don't think so, he came over to where I was sitting and took his unit out of his pants, and asked if I wanted to s--- it, I said NO, I have never never had anyone do that to me in my life, so I was in a state of shock, shortly after he left. I told no one, I already had developed strong feelings for him by this time... over some time an affair developed, he was so loving and caring I never felt so good about myself. (but was not good in bed.it was all about him). He was over my house at least 3 to 4 times a week staying all night, the first 3 years were great I enjoyed his company, I guess because I could never leave my house, I remember him telling me once I would be the perfect wife, because I could not leave. I did everything for him, I was his mother, babysitter to him, and his kids, I was his bank, grocery store, liquior store I fed him, his kids,etc.. I met his wife and she started telling me things she had gone through with him over there 13 year marriage at the time, then I started feeling sorry for her, I just kept thinking to myself what did I get myself into!!! 3 years into the affair it turned into the worst nightmare of my life,,, I started pulling away from him, all my friends hated him, and tried to get me away from him, but the more I tried, he would accuse me of sleeping with other men in the neighborhood (which was not true) I didn't know these guys. he told me he was going to tell my husband that I was f------ these guys and then told his wife and kids that I was f------- these guys (such a LIAR) my whole being was consumed by him and his family, they would call me 6 to 7 times a day needing something, he called me every name in the book, every time he did not get his way, he would go on these rampages, he took over my life from the time my husband left for work until my husband came home from work, he forced me to have sex when he wanted it, he had slapped me, belittled me, etc... I did not want this affair to come out, I was going to go to my grave, cause I didn't want his kids and wife (although she had to know) to know or to hurt my husband or my son, oh the guilt was eating me alive, and they were sucking the life right out of me, but I had no where to turn, he would be nice and pull me back in and then turn around and call me names, I saw and heard things that he did to his wife, and now I was getting what she had been going through with him, there whole marriage, he cheated on her his whole marriage, and would brag to me about it, then he would use my computer and get on those dating sites and go meet women,but there was nothing I could say, (that it hurt)because I had no right, I wasn't married to him... he even lost my cell phone on one of his sexcapades. he got away with so many things, that I would never allow my own husband to say or do to me.. I had finally had enough of the verbal and mental abuse, and some pysical abuse but this time, I was pulling away a little at a time, I made sure my doors were locked and I stopped answering his calls little by little, and he knew it, and then he went on his rampages again, I was accussed of sleeping with the mailman anybody and everybody.

Part 2

The more I tried to pull away from him, the more aggressive he became, he would pound on my doors windows, and to keep him quiet I would answer the door, and then the verbal and mental abuse, I went to his house to try and get some money from him, because him and his wife owed me over 5.000 dollars. she told me on several occasions to stay away from him, which I did, but then when they needed money she would be crying for me to help, I saved their house from foreclosure twice, and paid 2 of her car payments, which was eventually repoed, I paid shut off notices on several occasions, and the list goes on, promises promises to pay me back but never did, then they went out and bought a new car, and then they brought it over to show me?? he made it look to his wife, that I was after him,(I did not chase him) which he always bragged about that all these women wanted him.(yeah right) so when I went to go get some money from him on a sunday his family were gone somewhere, he started off being nice and said he didn't have the money, but that he would pay me when he got his check, then he his eyes turned black which they always did when he was mad, he looked like charles manson.and he started accusing me of sleeping with the cable guy, because I had phone trouble earlier in the week and I called for someone to come and check my phone line,my husband was home!! I felt I was always defending myself, I told him no, I was sitting on the couch and he came over and took his pants off in front of me he straddled me on the couch and held my hands behind my head and tried to shove his unit in my mouth and saying is this what you want bitch, huh is this what you want d---
someone pulled in the driveway and he hurried and put his pants on he looked out the window it was the police,he was pissed, he went outside I followed him, but the police were called to the neighbors house, I did not say anything to the police, because I knew it was my word against his, I went home and called my friend and told her what happened, she told me to call the police, I couldn't, he has gotten away with so many things with the law and everything else, I felt so degraded, I fell into a deep depression and stayed in my dark bedroom in my bed and just cried(me and my husband have seperate bedrooms) He called me the next day from a pay phone on his way into work and asked if I liked that d--- last night once again accusing me of sleeping with the cable guy, I hung up the phone, i did not answer his phone calls, then he started using peoples phones at work, so I wouldn't know it was him calling, and then he would call me all kinds of names I would hang up, he would come to my house banging on my windows doors and kept calling me... I ignored him this went on with the harrassment for 2 weeks, I was sick with a terrible cold already on top of being depressed I was sleeping the phone rang about 1:00 in the morning, the first thing I thought was something is wrong with my son, it was him as soon as i heard his voice I hung up the phone, I fell back asleep, I don't know how much time had past, but the next thing I knew he was sitting on my bed, till this day i don't know how he got in, I don't know if my husband forgot to lock the door when he left or what, he started off nice and said he loved me and missed me and needed to know if I slept with the cable guy, etc... they he started to take my pajama bottoms off I told him no and to leave, well it got worse,I called my son and a friend but they didn't answer I called the police, but hung up before it even rang because it was like if I tell the police the affair is going to come out, well the dispatcher called back, she said are yo okay i said yes I'm okay. I'm sorry I dialed the wrong # but he must have thought I called the cable guy so he grabbed the phone away from me and started to yell in the phone, until he realized it was the dispatcher, he threw the phone at me, I hung it up and he said I can't believe you did this to me, and I said I can't believe what you did to me and i hit him in the arm.. he hurried and threw on his clothes and left, 2 min later there was a knock at my door I thought it was him it was the police, I never had to deal with police my whole life, so I was in complete panic, he asked if I was alone I said yes, I told him everything was okay that I hit the wrong button on the phone, he said I am not here to hurt you, I'm here to help you, when I heard those words, it was like a weight had been lifted off me, I wanted help for a long long time. I told him exactly what happened, and I thought they were going to go over and just tell him to stay away from me, I told the police when they go over please don't let the kids know, I loved his kids, so after he wrote down everything I said, he said you need to get a change of clothes, I said why, I thought I was going to jail because I told the police officer I hit him in the arm before he left, he told me I was sexually assaulted, and that I needed to go to the hospital, I told him I couldn't leave I was an agoraphobic he told me that I needed to right away and that the other police officer was going to take me. I asked if I could call someone to take me that I would be comfortable with, he said okay, I trying calling all my friends because they all new about the affair and everything else, no one answered, I had to call my poor mom who knew nothing by this time its 5;00 in the morning I was crying and couldn't even tell my mom so the officer took the phone and told her, this was the worst night of my life, so her and one of my brothers came and got me.. writing this makes me panic...

Part 3

Well I went and had the rape kit done, My mind was everywhere, I was worried about my husband, my son, and can you believe I was feeling sorry for him, I wanted to take back everything I said, I wanted to be anybody but me, I just felt like dying, As I was leaving the hospital my 4 brothers were there, they wanted to kill him, they did not know who he was, I told my mom please tell them not to do do anything stupid, because he was so not worth them getting in trouble, so this happened in Oct 2008, they set me up with a therapist, that came that week, but in the mean time, I still had to face my husband, he had gotten home from work that morning and they had yellow tape around the house, the police and told him that I was sexually assaulted and they were doing their investigating and told my husband it would be a few hours that he couldn't go in the house, he finally figured out where I was he went to hug me and I backed away. I didn't want anyone to touch me, and I didn't know if he knew about the affair, which he didn't, for those first couple of days I just walked up and down my my mom's driveway every car that went by and if they looked at me I felt as if they new, every emotion hit me like a ton of bricks, I never felt so alone in my entire life. I felt anger, hurt, scared worried, numb, GUILT etc... I don't think I have ever cried so much. A couple days later the detective came and talked to me... after he was done questioning me, he said that they had another case against him, and that they were going to combine the cases together.. I didn't really know if I heard him right, but you have to remember his son and my son are best friends, so finding out through my son, his own daughter said he did something to her ( but not sure exactly what) she was 12 at the time, that just blew my mind, so when this came out the wife left him and was at her mom's, her family came to the house with a u-haul and took everything out of the house, she said she was never going back, he was left in a empty house. and that he had boarded up all the windows, my son was telling me this with my mom, I started crying once again, I kept blaming myself for everything, I said oh no what if he commits suicide. look what I've done!!! my mom yelled at me and said he was to much of a coward, and why am I so worried about him, look at what he has done to you! after my mom heard everything, she said she couldn't believe I let these people do the things they did to me, she said I thought you were alot stronger than that.. well anyway 2 days later the wife moved back in with the daughter, and then the story changed now his daughter was saying that my son did something to her, when I heard this, I was pissed, I called the detective right away. he told me not to worry that they new my son was NOT involved!! see how he made sure his daughter change her story!! well I had a lot of people working with me, with the rape my agoraphobia,and preparing me for court, all through this I was crying, I kept sticking up for him, I was not accepting the fact that he raped me... (I don't know if I can go into detail on here, but if I can I will write it later, if not I will respect your wishes) my therapist told me I had to tell my husband everything because it will all come out in court, it took me a week to tell him about the affair, the look in his eyes just broke my heart, look at all the hurt and pain I have caused so many people because of a stupid choice I made, he said you didn't take our vows to seriously did you, I said no I didn't, and that I was so sorry, as he and my family got to know more about the abuse, they said why didn't you say something, I said I was ashamed and scared, and I loved him, or so I thought, I did not tell my that part he had heard enough. my husband said he would stand by me through the court but after, he didn't know about our marriage. I have never seen my husband cry but one time, he was crying because he wasn't here to protect me. this still makes me cry as I am writing this. well staying with my mom, him his wife and daughter rode past my my moms house calling me a slut and a whore. as the days turned into weeks and trying to prepare for court, early December I finally called the court house, they said they had lost my file, and that they would get back to me, here I am waiting and waiting on pins and needles. they called me back 2 days later and said they didn't have enough evidence against him, but not that they didn't believe me, my case was closed, I was crushed beyond belief, the anger really set in, so i thought if they didn't think I was sexually assaulted then I wasn't, through therapy she had to keep convincing me that I was... from being around him for those 6 long years he had me always 2nd guessing myself,after that I did not want to come back home, so I stayed until Feb and my brothers said I need to go back home where I belong, I did not want to because I new him and his wife were just going to keep harrassing me.

Part 4

I came back home and in June she was moving out,(I wonder why) and of coarse the name calling from both, but after she moved out he was trying to suck me back in, and apologizing to me, if he hurt me, but that he did not rape me, those feelings were still there for him, but I fought them, he eventually lost the house. The last year I made alot of progress with alot of issues, I just could not figure out why I couldn't let go of these feelings I had for him, I have struggled so much with this these past 4 years, but was getting better, but in Aug my friend was over and she is on one of those dating sites, she had to leave to go pick her son up, so she told me to go through the dating site she knows I don't believe in them sites anyway, but as I scrolled down, I could not believe who I was looking at, once again every emotion hit me, hate, anger, fear, jealousy, missing him etc... I was shaking from head to toe, I could not stop thinking about him for the next two days I made up a profile on this dating site, I sent him a flirt, he was talking to me in no time, he had no clue it was me, I talked to him for almost a month,he bragged about all the women he had been with etc.. he is still married by the way, but not living together,the new neighborhood where she lives the cops have been called because he's not allowed there, and the neighbors have gotten in fights with him and her, he was that nice, sweet guy, he fell for me fast and I didn't even have a picture up, he was wanting to get my phone # and for me to put a picture up but I would come up with excuses, then he would get angry, I told him then go talk to someone that has a picture, he said no I want you,, blah, blah, well I knew I had to close the account for fear he would know it was me, so the day I decided to do that, It was like I want him to know who he was talking to before I closed the account, I don't know exactly what I wanted, part hoping he was doing bad, part hoping he missed me, well I told him who I was And the first thing he said to me was I missing his d--- and that he heard I was sleeping with the guy in his old house, who I have never met, well he told me you have no idea what you have put me through, always playing the blame game, anyway it did not go well, I said something he didn't like and he blocked me, and after that I went down hill again, bad depression, and this one burning question that I needed to know the answer to, why did I still have feelings for someone that was so bad and so cruel and heartless,why couldn't I let go!!! and somehow I ended up on this site, I've been reading alot on here, it has helped me alot, I have not had NC since Sept 22 and getting a little stronger each day,
I'm hoping by sharing my story might help me and someone else. I'm not proud of myself for the choices I've made. and to tell those that think the OW is treated better than you, not true! the evil side does come out, I'm assuming this jerk that I was involved with was a Narc.
This is a great site, that I'm so glad I found and alot of wonderful people on here. Thank-you for taking the time to read my story, and any input or questions is more than welcome Good luck to all of you on your road to recovery!