Valentine's Story

My Story

So here it goes… "sigh"

I met my N many years ago (15) when I was dating a man, who later became the father of my son - (they were first cousin). I had only bumped into the N a few times at family affairs, but had learned about his past history of drug abuse and a how he had tried to commit suicide in the past. Because of this attempt, it left him mentally disabled and receiving a disability check….. Using the money for drugs, he lost it one evening and went after his abusive step father which landed him first in a mental hospital for 2 years and then a 7 year sentence in prison.

While in prison he turned his life around, studied the bible, gave his life to christ, and came out of prison with a whole new view on life. During this 10 years time - I had gotten pregnant, had my son and his father and I parted had ways, but were together raising our son as a team, with much respect for one another.

When the N was released from prison he moved back to this area, back on disability and was hanging out with his cousin. He would come to the house, and what a gentleman, what a wonderful change with-in a month he had ask the cousin if he minded if he ask me out… no problem, this brings us to the courtship…..

2009….. Within 6 months he was for the most part living at the house with me and the kids. (I also have a daughter who's father passed away) At this time he had already started talking about marriage… couldn't afford a ring because he had nothing, but that didn't matter to me. he was my knight in shining armor, my happily ever after, the sweetest man I had ever met for real !!!!! I loaned him the money to get a ring and the date was set for 3/2010. HUGH wedding, amazing honeymoon... with the exception of one rather large fight that we had that showed me a side of him I had NEVER seen before "who was that man ?"

Now that I look back on things I see other things that were signs.. the only time we weren't together was while I was at work and he would call every hour or so to check in. He talked "for me" most of the time, and he question any males we came in contact with "did you date him?" "how do you know him?" And he took total control of talking with my sons father about when he could visit, or if he was late he couldn't get him - or he needed to pay for this or that, he became insanely jealous of his cousin - and caused major stress, where in the past things had word so well. As time went on it got worse and worse and I'm only talking 6 months time.

I tried to talk to him but he did this double talk and could talk circles around me and at the end of the conversation I didn't know which end was up. He had convinced me that we needed to get me to a therapist because I had issues that needed to be addressed… I was a crazy person and we were going to go FIX me. In a 3 month period we changed therapist 3 times because if they said anything negative about him, they didn't know what the issue was or they got off topic.

At 13 months married, on mothers day (of all days) we got into an argument about something my son had said and I stood up for my son and I stood my ground - I didn't back down because I felt he was wrong, and he did not like it ONE BIT !!! The next morning while I was at work he pulled the car and a trailer in the drive and packed up thousands of dollars of stuff and left.

He moved to the next town over in with a girl friend of his and started working at her business (under the table because of the disability) I was numb !!! I cried for weeks, but I let him go. I was crushed, everything I had done for him how could he just simply walk away so easily??? I started looking for answers and this is when I came across the term Narcissist. I had gone 3 months with no contact… couldn't focus, couldn't work, lost 25 pounds. It was awful !!!

Then a text… a few weeks later a message and lets work it out, go on a date. I caved and we started by talking a few times a week, met for lunch. Then came my daughters 16th birthday and he offered to get us a place over on the beach to celebrate (against my better judgement, i agreed) My daughter, 5 of her girl friends and a girl friend of mine from high school - was a girls evening. He showed up and got into a heated argument with my girl friend about something stupid and he lost it with her, I stood up for my girl friend and so he threw us all out on the street. AGAIN…. I was crushed, how could he do this on my daughters birthday ??? I hung my head and again, went no contact but this time for 4 months. But the pain was just as fresh !!! I was having such a hard time with understanding everything and why things were the way they were ??? What was I doing wrong ???

8 months gone from the house living with this woman in the next town over… Then a text… then a message and lets work it out. But this time I said not with out going to a councilor, find out what the real issue was. I wanted a therapist to tell him he was a Narcissist, he was controlling, that I wasn't crazy. I wanted her to fix him for me. Yes, she told him, but the one thing that I was not aware of is that he was back on the drugs (the heavy drugs) and when she told him what he didn't want to hear he couldn't handle it.
It only took 2 weeks of hearing what he didn't want to hear, and all those things he had taken form the house when he left 8 months earlier, he sold… everything including the car and purchased enough drugs to kill a normal human. He took this woman's truck and parked it behind my house and called me to tell me good bye, he was ending his life. 911, police showed up and carted him off to the nut house. They held him there for 48 days, come to find out this was the third time he tried something like this.

Because I was his wife they released him to me… lol what do I do with him? I took him back, he moved back in my house with me and my kids - 9 months after leaving - I got him back !!! 5 different medications, AA meetings, twice a week at the therapist, and lots of praying to God.

Within 2 months he had stopped all of these things… he was better and didn't need any of these things…. no medications, no therapy - but I continued to go, to the same therapist we had agreed to see together (bless her heart, she has been thru the mill with me - and she is one amazing lady)

This time the abuse was worse, he threatened me and my family and cussed me and verbally abused me to the point that all I did was cry. Everything was all my fault, I pushed him to do the things he did. I had secretly wished that I had not called 911 that evening… I could have just let him do himself in, but the guilt… how could I deal with that. I gave up, what ever part of sadness I have to deal with, spend the rest of my life alone… whatever. I just knew that I couldn't continue with the path I was on. What was I teaching my children about love and life and how people are suppose to treat one another ???

At this point we have been married 2 and a half years… I said "I want a divorce"…. lol he said NOPE !!!!! Silent treatment began, I started sleeping with my daughter and a week later he came with his demands. 20,000 in cash and another 5,000 in things and I will give you a divorce. WHAT It took me 9 months to replace the things he took and sold the first time !!!!! I wasn't gonna give him what he wanted, the abuse turned physical., so me and children moved out, we moved to a hotel room and he lived in our house. I thought he would leave when we didn't return home, but he didn't… he went about his life like a king in a palace, sending me sweet little text, asking me to call him… I was again NC. It took me two more weeks to get up enough courage to file for a restraining order and have him physically removed form our house. HE WAS FURIOUS !!!!!

September, At the restraining order, 3 friends and 3 family members to back up my claims, the judge gave me a year RO. He told the judge I was harassing him and that he needed an order of protection against me, but he had no claims, the judge refused the order. Altho, he is breaking the Order, has mailed a letter to me and sent text messages to my kids, my business partner and co workers. I feel it shows his lack of respect for the justice system… No ones gonna tell him what he can and can not do !!!!!

In October I filed for the divorce… I have been 4 months NC but the pain is still so fresh. I found "The path forward" searching for comfort in hopes that I can find closure ? answers ? a way to ease the pain ? I so look forward to reading, learning and growing here on the path forward !!!

So WOW, Thanks... and sorry that this got so long, but boy did that feel good to get it out there and some what off my chest :)

Val