Trumpet girl 23's story

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#1 Jan 15 - 3PM
Trumpet girl23
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Trumpet girl 23's story

Here’s my story…Me and the N have been best friends for 18 years. We played trumpet in college and always hung out together. I was always secretly in love with him and I think he knew it. During the first couple of months of our friendship, he told me he was engaged, so I totally backed off. She is an awesome person!!! He and his wife, my husband and I remained very close friends…best friends. My best male friend always called me “hottie”, but I never thought anything of it; I figured he was just being silly.

In January 2012, my friend split from his wife (very complicated). Their marriage was in trouble and they invited a third person in—I don’t know this girl and I didn’t like her from the start. I knew something was very wrong. Well, it all ended up where my best friend left his wife of 12 years for this third person. The wife (also my best friend) came to me and told me everything and I was very sad to hear that things were ending. My best male friend (now the N) didn’t contact me until July of 2012 to tell me everything (his side of the story)—both sides differed greatly.

On August 16th, 2012, he texted me to tell me he has always loved me and wished he would have followed through with his feelings for me the first time he met me. I figured that this was him being angry for how his marriage turned out. Later, my parents told me he (N) came by while I was away teaching at a summer camp. He came by because he needed comfort and to tell them he has always loved me. My parents also told him that I always loved him; they also told him that I respected him enough to back off once I found out he was engaged.

Then the emails started late in August. My first red flag should have been the secret email for us to talk. Mixing his feelings of love for me and the friends with benefits offer, my feelings were getting stronger. He texted me at 5:30am, lunch time, and in the 11:00 pm hour everyday. I am aware now, that this is the courting stage. I really thought he loved me. I confessed to him that I was in love with him. He told me that:

“I wouldn't wish myself on anyone I care for. I can and would add a little in certain areas of your life if you would like to explore your sexuality. You will always have my friendship. If you want to experiment with me I will never tell a soul. I will fulfill any roll you want me to. Friend, lover, sex toy...I'll fill whatever you need to be happy, satisfied and pleasured. Love you. I must tell you to take one of your thoughts out of the equation. You can't love me wholly. I can not give a person what they need in a spouse. I know this and have a lot of work to do on myself so one day I can. I can be a loving best friend. I can be a lover in the most discreet way imaginable. Even if it would be "just sex", it would be out of love for me and I imagine you too.”

I should have run away, but something in me told me not to. My marriage was in trouble months before I was approached with the first text. My husband is a really nice person, but he was always gone and he always allowed his father to interfere with our marriage…I did not (2 against 1). This is why I was easily swayed by the N. The emails became sexual. Another red flag was that some of the emails bordered on pornographic…I was actually disgusted. I went along with it because I loved him.
There were days we were supposed to meet and at the last minute would cancel; even when it was a long driving distance. We eventually met up in a public park (Sept. 22), made out in the car and talked. It seemed like magic, but there were alarm bells going off…we emailed on and off all that day. We met a second time (Sept. 29) at the same place, but went a little further—touching, no sex. This is when the D&D started, I think. He asked if we could communicate on Yahoo! Messenger instead of texting along with email. Another red flag. We really didn’t talk much that day after our meeting…just a couple times on Yahoo! Messenger.

The last time we met, we had sex (Oct, 9 and 10) and I paid for the hotel. He stopped texting 3x a day and only emailed early in the morning or late at night. Well, guess what? He was living with the person he left his wife for and then he told me he wanted to start a relationship with her. Ok, then…BUT he still was writing me sexual emails. What the hell is up with that?? I just found out he is engaged and he is to be married in February (after he told me “I cannot give a person what they need in a spouse”)

I have been going though some really bad emotional withdrawal; especially when the texting stopped. I lost 20 pounds, I can’t sleep, and I wake up early (around the time he used to text) still to this day. I am very sensitive to sound as of late—especially text tones. My back is in terrible knots. I am not blameless…I feel tremendous guilt for having an affair. My husband and I are in counseling, but I am not sure if I have anything left. I am not looking for sympathy. I am looking for support on how to dig myself out of this emotional withdrawal. I am not NC yet. 5 days was my longest. I am so remorseful and I don’t know how I got into this mess. I am a very moral person, and this is the worst mistake I ever made. I betrayed my husband and my best friend (the wife of N). I feel absolutely terrible. I am a music major and I cannot even listen to music or play my trumpet. I really thought he loved me; I really feel dumb.
Thank you...
Thank you for this forum.

The screwed up part is that he went to my parents to profess his love for me; and to make sure l still loved him. Long story short, he courted me, discarded me, he was very sexually explicit. I think what I mourn the most is our friendship; but he wasn't my friend after all.

Jan 15 - 8PM
thenewjane
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Hi TrumpetGirl

Jan 15 - 9PM (Reply to #8)
Trumpet girl23
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Thank you

Jan 25 - 2PM (Reply to #9)
thenewjane
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Trumpetgirl

Jan 15 - 5PM
hopefully free
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I understand

Jan 15 - 5PM (Reply to #6)
Trumpet girl23
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Hi hopefully free

Jan 15 - 4PM
Tara30
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you are worth so much more

Jan 15 - 5PM (Reply to #2)
Trumpet girl23
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Thank you

Jan 15 - 5PM (Reply to #3)
Tara30
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Trumpet Girl

Jan 15 - 6PM (Reply to #4)
Trumpet girl23
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Wow.