jimminycrickets story

Longtime lurker

Ok, time to tell my story, as well as I'm able without giving too much revealing info.

Met 20 years ago, fell in love very quickly. He was great but it was long distance. After a couple of years I moved to be with him. All good overall but looking back there were of course red flags: the girl he had been 'seeing casually' while we were long distance (I was also dating casually) had actually been a serious relationship. His family knew he was coming to visit me yet continued to treat her as the girlfriend during this time. I only found this out much later.

Fast forward 6 or 7 years and we married and had two children. All was great, we were in love, life was pretty good. I cut back my work hours, he amped up his. Sex wasn't as often but I chalked it up to the kids and stresses of him starting a new company. Everyone thought he was the nicest guy in the world, including me.

About 7 or 8 years ago sex had really dwindled to the point that I was trying to talk to him about it but he wouldn't talk. After however many months I found out he'd been having an affair with a woman I worked with. I've never quite figured out how long it went on but I figure about 6 months to a year.

When I found out I was ready to file for divorce and he begged me to stay, blah blah blah. The kids were young so I ended up staying and thought I had put boundaries in place but realise now I simply helped him rug sweep.

Life went on, we moved a few times, the kids grew, I quit working due to moving, we were happy.

Last year I found out that he'd been cheating the whole time, even just a few months after I found out about the co-worker of mine. Sometimes a quick fling, sometimes emotional affairs, sometimes he was rebuffed. But he never stopped fishing for women the whole time, including amongst my friends.

When I found out last year about the cheating it included one of my closest friends and a number of other women, all at the same time. He was seeing a girl at work whom he suddenly said he 'had feelings for', but was also seeing other women while he was 'falling for her'. I kicked him out but we still tried to figure things out and talk.

As soon as I decided to see a lawyer and handed him divorce papers (and told everyone what was going on) he went nuts, total change from caring and nice to absolute rage, which has not let up to this day. He raged at the kids for being devastated, he raged at me for having to pay the bills, for telling people, for everything and anything.

We're not yet divorced. He still has not signed the final papers (took me six months to get him to sign the first set) and I am wrung out.

Thought I was doing well but it's endless with him. I have to talk to him about money and the kids and he just makes everything as difficult and ugly as possible. He dragged OW along to Christmas with teh kids so she got to see them open all their gifts from his family's celebration. I was alone for half the day as my family lives far away.

His family has pretty much disowned me (how dare I make him look bad) and yes, the whole thing is awful and horrible.

Is this guy a narc? Does it even matter? I'm more or less NC other than kids and money, although once in awhile he picks a fight that sucks me in. Not very often anymore, actually.

I don't even know why I'm writing this...I just needed to get it out. How do I deal with this? How do I help my kids deal with his manipulations without ruining their relationship with him? And the inlaws? I hate that they shower teh kids with gifts while I have little money for anything, they ignore me and pretend I don't exist, more or less, other than one sibling of his.

Sorry, just needed to vent.