hopeful star's story

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#1 Jan 4 - 4PM
hopeful star
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hopeful star's story

Who's laughing now??

I was once so helplessly devoted and in such passionate love with a man, shall I now say boy. I find myself sitting here on a snowy Saturday, inside in my pjs, watching Bridget joans diary for the 793 time. In my heart I feel so used, hurt, betrayed, abandoned, near tears, hollow, yet almost helpless, my whole heart has been raped. Used, beat, betrayed. Alone. I used to love looking forward to the snow with you, the beautiful indoors, snuggling, making “love” movies, cocktails, being in complete happiness.
You have dumped and abandoned me 15 times in 1.5 years, you manipulated and used my weaknesses to the highest extreme and left, I came back. Every time. I needed to have you in my life, I needed to have that imaginary future I created with you. I needed to have that “man” I fell so helplessly in love with.
Yes that was me who turned psycho on you a few times. Yes that was me who did everything and almost ANYTHING for you. Yes that was me who let you use me for my convenient apartment right next door to your favorite place, the bar. Yes that was me that let you ditch me on the weekends and stay with me Monday thru Friday. Yes that was me who wrote you everyday while you were in jail for 40 days. Yes that was me who picked you up and dropped you off at work. Yes that was me who wanted to kill myself because of you, because of the pain and misery you have put me thru with your sick manipulative games. Yes that was me who was so lost, so insecure, so everything I was not before I met you. Yes that was me who helped you paint your room and beautify it on a Saturday, only for the next day you to ditch me and hang out with some other woman. Til 3 am. Yes that was me who have talked to psychics, paid money on our birth charts. Yes that was me who finished your sentences. Yes that was me who bought you cigarettes and vodka when you didnt have any money. Yes that was me who let you walk all over me and I accepted it. Yes that was me helplessly waiting by the window and phone for you to come back to me, after giving me the silent treatment for days. Yes that was me who had courage to tell you what you are. Yes that was me who listend to your days at work, yes that was me who dealt with your mothers bullshit and insults, yes that was me who was always on your side, yes that was me who believed I and you were best friends, yes that was me who gave a flying shit about you, yes that was me who became a total drunk, that was me who accepted the fact the only place you ever took me to was the bar, oh the only place you ever took me out to eat was Mcdonalds, that was with your mother, yet you didnt pay for my shitty food. Yes that was me who flew home from work to just be with you every day. Yes that was me who had you on my mind 24 7, yes that was me who gave you everything I possibly could, yes that was me who carried you home drunk, yes that was me who would of married you, accepting your past, yes that was me who accepted that you had some other chicks photo and numbers on your bathroom wall.
Why? So you can look in the mirror and see you? With them? Yes that was me who started to see how shitty you have treated me, yes that was me who had the cops called on me for going crazy drunk after you played so many manipulative games and hurt me that I broke down. Yes that was me who did everything and anything to make you laugh, yes that was me who carried your heart when you have no heart. Yes that was me who accepted the fact that 1. you live at home with your mom 2. have 2 kids you never see 3. ride a bicycle, 4. spend all your money at the bar, 5. divorced.
You never stood up for me, you never kissed me, you never could spend a day sober with me, you could never hold me and pleasure me, you degraded me in so many ways, you call me crazy, you made me crazy, you womanize any woman who will talk to you, you ignore me and abandon me when you feel you need your “space” you ignore my calls, my texts, you get sick pleasure from my pain you inflict on me. You had the upper hand on me. That was me who bought you little trinkets and gifts, that was me who never would do anything to hurt you emotionally, that was me who let you walk all over me and shit down my throat. I lost myself and who I was and what was important to me, remember me? The one who made you feel like a king? Yes that was me, I am slowly day by day becoming me again. Some hopes when I look myself in the mirror.
It is scary to find yourself again, it hurts, that is me who looks at myself in the mirror crying (atleast I can do that) that is me who let you hurt me and crush my soul. That is me who wept like a baby for you. That was me who accepted that you didn’t ever stand up for me to your c*nt mother. That was me who talked so greatly about you. That was me who was completely obsessed with you thoughts of you every day. Yes that was me who gained 50 lbs and stopped taking care of myself. Yes that was me who forgot about me, abandoned me for you.
What have you given to me? What have you left for me? What have you ever done for me? What have you ever even thanked me for? What have you done besides take? What have I done besides give give give to you. What have I done so wrong in your eyes? Nothing, because you have no emotions, You are a text book Narcissist. You have no self image, you are a thick grey fog who will never see yourself for who you truly are. That grey thick fog has sat in my soul since the day I met you. Uncertainty building up each and every day. Black clouds taking over my who soul each time you dumped me and ignored me and left me. They never went away, I was always uncertain. That was me who held you and mommied you and loved you inside and out like I should have been loving myself. That was me who gave you the best sexual experiences you will ever have. That was me who accepted that your a 42 year old scumbag fking loser. I am 28. Who’s smiling? That was me who accepted your old man looks balding head cruddy teeth stank feet rashy bicycle riding ass, everything.
That was me who thought you were god. That was me who forgot about my god, my importance, my heart, my mind, my soul, my existence. That was me who lived each day for you. That was me who never felt empowered to do anything with myself for the past year and half. That was me who accepted that you flirt with other woman in front of me. Guess what? Your image now sucks, why? Because I am not there, Im not there making you look so cool, when your just a phony. So fake. Your as fake as a makeup, fake as your so called “ego” fake as some lush fool who sits in a bar all day feeding off of people. As fake as that monopoly money you throw away to drink & be somebody. How you would hate when I would say “your going to the bar again?, cool go be somebody!” Oh how I loved saying that!! I can see why you cannot hold down a job! I can see why when mommy isn’t doing it for you anymore or whoever else you come knocking at my door, call me, ask me how I am.
I can see when your completely alone you cannot stand to be in your own skin, I can see now in a month you will go to jail for a year. Not paying child support? Maybe you can experience the jail and lonesome you put me in the past year, maybe you can wonder who is going to write you, maybe you can pretend that your the coolest thing in the world when all the thugs look at you and laugh. Maybe you can enjoy that. Maybe that will define you as a person. Maybe when you sleep at night in a cold lonesome bed, 7x7 cell, no cigarettes no booze nothing you can see how and why, and then think of me. Worry about me, scared that I found better, scared that I am laughing in your face, scared that everyone knows your a deadbeat, scared that everyone and everything knows you for truly being you! How does that pit in your stomach feel? How does it feel to beat off in secret, since that’s all you truly enjoy is yourself. Hows that feel when I find myself again and you see me I look right thru you? How would that feel? How will it feel when I find a damn proper wonderful man and you see him holding my hand, kissing me, smiling at me, touching my face, feeling the love, the kind of thing you are not capable of. The kind of thing that brings little touches of hope and joy into my life. A smile where I can look at myself and know I am going to be OK, im NOT living at my parents, I DRIVE A CAR, I HAVE MY OWN PLACE, I DONT DRINK VODKA LIKE A FISH, I am not going to drop dead of a heart attack or liver failure. How is it going to feel knowing in your future, you have nobody?
Nobody that could even compare to everything I have completely done & offered you, you are a dead fish, and you will die alone. I feel bad for you, because I feel. I feel unlike you do. Your feelings are to feel like a king when YOU get what YOU want, since you cant face yourself in the mirror, you can have whatever it is that makes you thrive. Because you don’t have a life, a heart, a soul, I can see why your x left you, I can see why she never allows you to see HER kids, I can see why you are going to truly miss the person I MADE YOU FEEL LIKE. Because I am sure as shit right on knowing NOBODY will do it better than I do. I promise you that. You little turd.
It hurts knowing I fell in love with a fraud. It brings light knowing I am falling in love with ME again. SLOWLY. It feels good knowing I will find true love. I will move on. I forgive myself for being hurt and shameful of myself, because of you. I am smiling. So I hope you remember who I am. And how I MADE YOU FEEL. Because you no longer have that. Maybe if you never abandoned me, left me feeling useless and have no word, and I could speak my voice. Then just maybe things would have been different. Shame you live in a shadow of others lives, shame you will never have control or realization of your own life. Shame you will always sit and pretend who you think you are. Shame you will always hurt others, shame you are a soul less man with no foot prints. Shame for you you could have had me for life, luckily for me, I ripped off your mask, and see you for WHAT you are. Glad I called your mamas house right after you D&D me and told you what you are, and how you affected me, and how I laughed the whole time knowing IM ME, IM REAL, your a phony. A phony little man withering away into dirt and dust, you are now the dirt on my shoe, for I am no longer your rug. By the way. You suck at life. xoxo

Jan 4 - 5PM
Luv2bme
Luv2bme's picture

Now it's time for you..