AmyJ's Story

Fool me Twice...

Sorry to write a novel, but this is pretty involved…

Twenty years ago I met a man that I fell completely in love with. He was 13 years older than me and after a few weeks of incessant flirting he asked me out. The way he did it was unconventional: he threw ice down my cleavage, then ended with asking if he could take me to breakfast that next morning. I agreed, we went to breakfast, had a great time, we drove home, and by the time I got into my apartment, there was a message from him on my machine asking if I would like to come to his place so that he could “dig the ice” out of my shirt.

I was young, stupid, and incredibly attracted to him, so I took the bait and called him. I THOUGHT I would just go over and we might sit and talk (stupid, yes) and instead I went over to find him naked in his bed waiting on me. I couldn’t resist him and spent that morning having the most mind-blowing sex I had ever experienced in my 24 years. I was not overly experienced myself, but there was an edge to having sex with him that made me borderline uneasy, but I had my first orgasm with him and was completely crazy about him.

The “relationship” with him lasted a few short months. I had the misfortune of getting pregnant early on, but he was so sweet about all of it. Then I lost the baby just as quickly, but I noticed that he wasn’t the sort to offer any type of comfort at all. It was like none of it ever happened. I became quickly disillusioned with him and decided to back away from him.

Throughout these months, I noticed also that he was always hot and cold. He would be all over me one minute and then act like I didn’t exist the next. I wasn’t the type to chase any man and wasn’t about to do it with him. Looking back, I see now that it was him trying to work me into a dependency on him, and I was too naïve to understand. I tired of that little game and moved on. He had a job as a county attorney, and soon he disappeared from my radar; the next thing I knew I was told he was dead—killed in a car accident. I was told this by two separate sources, so I was sure it was true.

Fast forward 20 years. I spent all those years worshipping his memory and considering him as “the one who got away.” This past March, I had a bizarre set of circumstances happen to me and began having vivid dreams about him soon after. Every night the same dream, I’m sitting at my mother’s funeral, everyone in the room, including my mom and I are sitting talking, and “John” walks in to tell me how sorry he is. My mom tells me I should look for him. I thought at the time that it was my subconscious needing some closure. But instead of finding an obituary I find out he is alive and I make the decision to email him.

We quickly reconnect and at first it was really cordial, multiple friendly emails, then after a month of flirtatious banter, he boldly came out and asked me how I felt about him. Like an idiot I told him I still had feelings for him, and he said he had never forgotten me, never gotten over me, then he just cut off all contact with me. I confronted him, he acted like he had no idea where I had gotten the idea that he didn’t want to talk to me and we resumed the “relationship”.

I was in the process of a divorce, and he seemed so supportive, the first month or so. He was a former state police officer, so he offered all sorts of advice to me as a former cop and also as an attorney since there was a history of abuse with my spouse. I fell for all of it. I became more and more enchanted with him.

Then came the sexting. He began it all, I had never had any experience with that sort of thing, but he lived two states away and it seemed really sort of fun at first. The first time it happened was a couple of months after we reconnected and it seemed so nice to have the attention. He was such a good lover in the past. After we were “done” he talked so sweetly to me about how he felt. He loved me 20 years ago, he still loved me, I made him feel like no other woman had ever made him feel. He loved me like no other woman he had ever loved; I wasn’t anything like other women--just REALLY seemed so sincere. And I believed him. And I still believe him. I think deep down, he just may have made me his “Madonna”. At least at that particular point in time.

The emails and texts kept going back and forth, but I began to notice that some of the emails talking about problems I would have with my ex, or something else going on in my life may well have been sent to the man in the moon. There would be no acknowledgement of any of it, no mention whatsoever of even having gotten my emails. No more offers of help. Just more and more of him fawning over me. UNTIL I would tease him about something. Then he would get pissed and start the silent treatment. It could go on for days, up to weeks, and only end when I had apologized until I was blue in the face and professed my undying love for him.

Then he would come back and act like none of it happened. I would go for days sick to my stomach over him, terrified I would say something wrong. He started asking for pics of my body. Started with my face, which I sent, then wanted some of my breasts. I refused, he’d get mad, cut off all contact. I finally agreed but made sure my face appeared in none of what was sent. And the ones I sent were pretty tame. He would appear to be placated.

Then a couple of months ago, we were talking one morning, I made a comment about needing to get in the shower to get ready for work and he asked if I would masturbate while thinking about him. It kind of ticked me off, so I sarcastically asked if I was to video it as well, and he got all excited about that particular prospect. I told him I was kidding. He became REALLY angry, which at first I didn’t realize and demanded to see me. I said we could meet, and he then responded that he wanted to meet so that he could withhold sex from me and teach me a “lesson”. I jokingly said the only one I saw losing in that particular battle was his penis. He went into a rage and told me I deserved to be with my ex, which I pretty much took to mean I deserved to be abused.

I, as a co-dependant, tried to apologize but he wouldn’t return any calls, texts, or emails. This went on for two weeks, so I emailed him, said I was making a trip to see him, he could either meet with me or not, but I gave him the dates, said my hotel room was non-refundable. He shot back that although I consider him to be “stupid” he was not stupid enough to believe a hotel room was non-refundable. Well, it was, I booked them online at a discount, so I sent him a copy of the reservation. No response at all. Until two weeks later when he emails me out of the blue to ask me what time I would be getting into town. He wanted to stop by to say “hi”.

I said I wasn’t coming. I sold the reservation online. I asked if he’d changed his mind about wanting to see me and started proposing alternate dates. No matter what date I chose he always had something going on. In addition to being an attorney, he was also in the military reserves and had been for 40 years. Always had something to do with that on every weekend I suggested. I asked HIM to name a date. He names one, and I said okay. Ask him if he’d like me to put in for the time off. He said yes, I do it, book the room. He then tells me when I let him know that it all was a go that he’ll only be able to see me for an hour or so both of those nights. I became furious and realize he’d done that on purpose. He was withholding contact from me for punishment.

Eventually, I emailed him to let him know that I had used my reservation without telling him and that he didn’t need to worry about it anymore. He sent me a pleasant response, said he wasn’t concerned, and asked how I was, like nothing happened. I sent a civil reply saying I was fine, and we began emailing once again however I refused to be anything other than cordial.

He remained formal as well, and finally my emotions got the better of me; I told him I missed him, he said he missed me so much. I would like to point out here that he always told me at the end of every conversation with him, that he loved me. But only after I said it first, and it was always in the same language that I used with him. If I said, “love you”, he would say “love you”. Never “I love you TOO”. He would always parrot back, word for word what I would say to him.

Then a month ago, he started back in with the demands for more pictures. He wanted me to head further south with the camera. I stalled and said I would think about it. Then, a friend of mine got a membership on a background check website, so I decided to put in his email address. I found out he had a profile on a dating website. I went in, set up several fake profiles and waited to see what would happen. Nothing did, so I forgot about it.

Then one morning three weeks ago he started in with more sex talk that went on the entire day. I’m not sure he realized I was at work the entire time, or quite possibly he didn’t care. But it went on ALL day and all evening. Eventually I tried to move the talk to more about what he wanted to happen with “us” and he started in by saying he was sorry he was the way he was. Started in with telling me how lucky he was to be with me (he was always the most candid after he had just finished masturbating), that he really was into sex, the dirtier, the kinkier, the better, and that he was so sorry but it was just how he was. He just kept apologizing, saying he hoped I could love him for who and what he was.

Then he just sort of went quiet for about a half hour. Eventually I asked him if I had said something wrong, to which he responded that I always “say everything right”. Then he said he wanted another “round”. I really wasn’t into it, but thought that he didn’t need to know that I wasn’t participating myself and hadn’t that whole day. He asked about the pic he’d requested, and said it wasn’t fair because he’d sent his to me weeks ago. I immediately asked what the hell he was talking about, he hadn’t sent me anything. He sends me pictures of his penis and tells me, “you’re welcome”.

This set off immediate red flags with me for more than just the obvious. First off who was he sending pics to if not me? We hadn’t discussed me wanting any, nor did I at ALL. So I decide to hurry things up, start talking dirty to him to get him to finish and get away from him. He gets more and more into it, and tells me he wants to use me as his “dirty whore”. Whoa. I play along for a few more minutes and he decides he wants me to call him and talk to him. I say I can’t and sign off. As SOON as I get out of the conversation with him, I go in and check my email to try and get my mind to calm down before going to sleep. There, in my email, is a notification from the dating site telling me that he had sent one of my fake profiles a flirt and a chat request WHILE he was talking to me--during the half hour gap in our conversation.

I cry for a minute, feeling like I had just been hit by a freight train, and type an email to him and tell him exactly what I think of him. As usual, the next morning, he responds, calls me a drama queen, I’m crazy, he never knows what to expect from me, we were DONE, OVER. The same spiel I had heard every OTHER time I had tried to break it off with him. He would always try and turn it around to make it look like HE was the one ending things.

And now I sit here--Madonna made whore. Why am I so broken hearted? He obviously has a screw loose, maybe several. I told him off in such a big way. He tried to make it sound like I had staged the whole thing to get out of sending him the picture he wanted, so I sent him one. It wasn’t MY vagina I sent a pic of. Just one I took off the internet and cropped to make him think it was mine. Then I told him to picture someone decent enjoying it. The really scary part is, it’s been three weeks now. Always four weeks and then he contacts me. I know deep down I will hear from him again. And how do I resist? I do not understand the hold he has over me. Anyone else and I would call them a creep and run the other way!