indigorabbit's story

hard to tell

It's hard to know where to begin. I'm in the throes of divorce from my narcissist, and he hasn't been diagnosed or anything...he is just strange and hard to figure out.
I'll start from the most recent and work my way backwards. After 7 years of marriage and about 4 years of that being really conflicted with each other, my husband gave me a list. He said the purpose of the list was control, for he needed more control.

Later he removed the triagulating once someone explained what it was, and that I was simply trying to defend my daughter from his verbal abuse.
Looking back, this list was the culmination of myriad controlling behaviors. He and his family should have patents on projection and passive-aggression since they are so good at it.
He put the "cease psychologizing" on there because at one point I thought he had Asperger's, because he absolutely freaked if I moved a piece of furniture, and if there was a feeling in the room he couldn't handle it. He didn't comfort me when I cried, and in fact, mocked me in front of the kids for crying. In counseling, after three sessions he finally admitted that his behavior could be construed as mocking, but three months later when it came up again said, "I didn't mock you." The therapist said it was my fault that my N couldn't see that he mocked me, because I couldn't accept that his intention was not to mock me. Huh? That made no sense whatsoever. He knew he mocked me and CHOSE not to take responsibility for it.
It's strange, although he could be somewhat charming at first, he wasn't the type to lavish me with love and attention. Even early on, the type of attention I got was "say yes, not yeah". Coming off a break up, I was vulnerable and wanted another child so badly. So we jumped in and had a child together. I had two children from a previous marriage and for the most part, he treated them well, albeit rather harshly and we all felt like his "project". I honestly think, looking back, that he used me to have a child for him and his family; he is pretty enmeshed with his mother.
The house, the cars, everything is in his name. Divorcing him means letting a lot go.
But I am concerned for my children. It seems they are simply pawns in his game, for he admitted to withholding support from them as a parent...I had to remind him most nights to go say goodnight to them. This was after I worked full time, did all the shopping, cooking, and cleaning (none of which was ever good enough for him) and it was like pulling teeth to get him to do anything...he had to go to yoga or get a beer or whatever it was he had to do.
He never spontaneously apologized, never demonstrated a level of contrition beyond superficial, never could hand out a compliment, and did not have much to offer me by way of relationship. IT isn't like he was ALL bad, and it's hard to sift through what was "real" and what was a lie.
Now, he is suddenly Mr. Dad. I truly don't get it. That is what is most confusing. It seems he knew what I loved most in this world (my children) and he is determined to take that away. He is smart enough to not go for full custody, but the kids are with him more than they should be. Of course, he is acting the perfect parent now. What the hell? It makes me feel like I'm in a Twilight Zone episode.
Have any of you experienced this? What does the Narc do with your kids? How do you handle it?